How do you feel about being on the spectrum?

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i do not feel any way about having AS.

i feel irritations concerning textures and other sensory issues whereas "NT" 's may not.
"NT" 's feel sadness and anguish over things i do not.

(i dislike the term "NT" because it is too simplistic but i will use it, because the only alternative i can think of is "non autistic's", and that would imply that the irritations i say i feel are only felt by autistics which is not true).

a lot of "NT" 's say (like) "your life must be so hard for you to bear. i mean having no friends and no one to care if you lived or died".

i usually reply (like) "i'm quite content with my lot. i do not need people to care about me. i like my animals and they like me and i am warm and fed and sheltered and that is all i need".

they may say (like) "but man!! don't you feel lonely or left out? i mean don't you want to do the things that are fun in life?"

i will say (like) "i like my life the way it is"

they may say (like) "well if i woke up tomorrow morning in your life, i would be devastated! i mean i would be just sooo sad"

i would say "well if i woke up tomorrow morning and i had turned into "you", i would be sad about my affairs for the very first time in my life".

so i prefer to stay in my autistic mind. if i became "NT", i would probably be suddenly very distraught about my state of affairs in life (about having no friends or clubs or credibility etc)

my replies and attitudes i have just stated are not necessarily the result of having AS.
my unconcern for being cared about by anyone is probably not a hallmark of autism, but a hallmark of my genetic personality.

AS is not ALL consuming, as there are components of "AS" and "NT" that are identical, because having AS does not effect those components.

i consider "autistic" as "NT" with a "faulty" fundamental wiring system.

_____boring paragraph
it is like NT's and AS people have the same range of models of "motherboards" (personality phenotypes) but having AS means that my wires are unshielded (demyelinated) rather than shielded.
unshielded wires reduce the clarity of the data they transmit due to "cross talk" between themselves and other wires. my wires that are unshielded, transport important external data that is garbled by infiltration from "cross talk", and it is then "laced" with my internal "artifacts" before it reaches my seat of consciousness. this is why i am "self absorbed" or "lost in my own world" or whatever.
it is because my own electromagnetic emanations pollute the data my brain gathers from the world. so i see more of me than i do of the world.
aut-ism
----end boring paragraph


i think who i am is deeper than whether i am AS or NT.

my personality is such that i do not require people to care about me, and if i did not have AS, i would be an NT who does not require people to care about me. i would be a standard "recluse" i guess. my fundamental personality is structured at a place below where AS has any influence.

so if i had a personality that was a needy personality that craved acceptance and inclusion, i would find it very hard and i would not like having AS. so i count myself as lucky. not lucky to have AS, but lucky to have a personality type that is not greatly concerned with the disadvantages that AS presents.

they say "you don't know what you're missing"

well i do not know what i am missing, and therefore i do not miss it.

sorry for the length but i have trouble with thought condensation. i can not condense my thoughts into summaries.

Parts of my brain are damaged and because of that my brains development was abnormal. This doesn't equate into being less skilled, less able, or less knowledgable. It just means the parts of my brain that weren't damaged have been overdeveloped to compensate for the lacking parts.

I don't really feel anything about being on the spectrum, i cannot change the fact i am on the spectrum, i cannot magically change into another person and i wouldn't want to. Who i am isn't going to change, and who i am is all i've got to work with. Seems like a pointless thing to think about, feel about.

It's troublesome that I have trouble understanding what people mean and what they want from me, that I have little ability to tell if someone is kidding, that I'm a crummy conversationalist, that I totally melt down under pressure, that I can't make even pretty simple decisions.
However, I pray that asperger's really is what I have and that I'll get a diagnosis, because it's something I can live with and if I get the correct support for a disorder I actually do have rather than having psychiatrists throw darts or roll dice to decide on what's wrong with me and what treatment I "need," maybe my functioning will improve. It's also nice being around here were there are other people with so many of the same problems, which is really comforting.

I don't like having so much trouble functioning, but maybe if I can better understand what exactly is wrong with me and can get my shrink to listen, I'll be able to deal better and NOT have quite so much trouble functioning.

To be honest it doesn't bother me as i just get on with it. The only problem i have is making friendships and at times some people just don't understand me how i feel but overall i feel good allround.

I do not like my impairments, I certainly wish I didn't have them!
It's so not cool to be restricted in my abilities, likes and wishes and it's often a total pain in the... errr, butt and really giving me a lot of despair and stress.

But I don't think that impairments mean that there's something wrong with me thankyouverymuch. I think there's something seriously wrong with people who think that impairments mean there's something wrong with others.

Being on the spectrum is fine. Being off the spectrum is fine. It's all good and whether or not you're restricted by your condition doesn't have anything to do whether you're okay about being on the spectrum/being the way you are or not in my opinion.

You can love being you and thus about being on the spectrum, but still be absolutely mad and angry when something of your autism gets in your way.

I mean, it's like liking your hair. It annoys me when the wind blows it in my face and I feel that could throw a tantrum if I'm having a bad-hair-day, but I am always totally cool with having hair the way it is.

The mere 'being' of things that is unrelated to anything real is different for me than the practical uses and the everyday life experiences under whatever circumstances with it. Autism 'being' a part of me is absolute good as is everything else about me, practical it is not so much. Autism totally isn't good in my everyday life under the many everyday circumstances but a source of stress, despair, restriction and failure.

It's like... a person can be really content and proud of themselves, but they still can be a total moron and know it and hate it in everyday life and in everything they do.

Oh yeah, I'm so not agreeing with other people's assessment of how achievements and success determine worth and happiness. I struggle to understand that achievements could make anyone truly happy. Maybe they do make others truly happy - then I am just a different type of human. Or an alien. Or something.

Exactly. I wouldn't be able to guess who I would be without it. I don't like some things, but I can't know if they would be better or worse without it. So, since I like me, I'm all in favor of it.

From what I have observed in many people in many forums, in this, you are normal. I have observed that people who posses a particular ability, also posses great interest in learning all they can about people who have that ability, and in developing that ability in themselves; and by the same token, most folks who do not posses a particular ability, also often have little interest in learning much about it, nor do they wish they had it, unless they don't know that they do. Many, for instance tell me that they feel sure that they would feel overwhelmed by feeling other people's vibe inside them, where I feel empty when I go a while without it.


Please don't apologize. I really enjoy reading through all of your detail. I find it greatly stimulating.

It's complicated... I wouldn't wish this on any child either. When I was a child it was clearly a disability. However, overcoming those disabilities made me a stronger person than many NT's. I do beleive it has given me gifts which have led me to be semi-successful adult. I'm lucky enough to have made a career out of my special interest. I also wish I could understand others better and have better relationships with friends and family. Overall I think NT's have problems too and everyone is blessed in one way or another.

I am who I am. Finding out that I have AS has answered a lot of questions for me about difficulties that I had while growing up (and still have.)

For instance, I now know that my inability to judge people's intentions led me to always respond badly to teasing - even when it was not malicious. My reactions led the other kids to tease me more - just to get me to react inappropriately. Knowing that it's an issue allows me to be wary of those situations & causes me to look deeper than people's actions in order to help determine their intent.

Now that I know about AS, I can begin to examine difficult situations in the context of AS. In some situations, I'm finding that it gives me power - because I know something about myself that others don't know. I can often see that I will react to things in a way that others don't expect (they expect me to react as any other NT - and I don't, which keeps them off-balance.)

I still have difficulties in dealing with people. Making friends is a skill that I have yet to learn (keeping friends is proving even more difficult, as time goes on.) I'd say it's a slight disability - I'd like to have friends & a support network (people who might actually notice & care if I suddenly dropped off the face of the planet.) AS seems to create a threshold that I can't quite seem to cross, when it comes to relating to people in a non-work setting.

But for the most part, I just live my life & get on with it. In general, I don't think that my problems are any worse that the average person's (just different.)

I'm not brain damaged, I'm brain altered.

Thank you everyone so far for contributing

Chris

Awww Maggie, that kitty looks like she's soooo having a good time!

Well, I was going to put, 'I don't really care', but I do. I'd be very upset if someone took my AS away from me. I don't care, however, about being socially defective(as such). Most people talk at dinner time to their friends or indulge in some other activity(i.e water fights), I read. I'm happy reading. With AS I'm a Utilist, if I'm happy, I don't really care about other's perceptions. It doesn't matter if I don't conform to unjustified standards to gain that happiness. People will throw derogatory terms at me and look down at me because of this, but in the end of the day, it's my life, and it's a life I love and wouldn't change for any amount of conformity, social status or some other vain, supposed value.
I view social status as something materialistic, tbh, in the sense, if you value that over your happiness(of course, some gain happiness from social status, however, I think I've trained my self as such to not care) over how OTHERS view you then your priorities are just NOT in favour of you.
I think more people with AS should follow this philosophy.
EMZ=]

Being on the spectrum describes the person I am perfectly and in a very non-judgmental way, as well. Through the years many people, and some of them with very good intentions, have reminded me for my "own good" in one way or another just how different and out of step I was from the norm and that I should try harder to be less weird and more like everyone else. And so I tried to be like everyone else for about 58 years and discovered many ways to get it wrong. But now that I know that I am someone with AS, I can be content just knowing that being "different" and "out of step" is actually normal for me.

Tough question. I think I like my asperger's. I'm not going to call it a gift, it isn't. But I like being alone most of the time. I like my random interests, I like my restrictive routines. I know to NT's that sounds insane, because they have this whole "mental box" system going on, and autism is firmly held in the "ret*d", "freak" and "disease" categories, but diversity is a good thing, and if people were more accepting of our flaws we could actually contribute a lot more to society. I'd love to be able to small talk, and "Play the game", but I'm not bitter that I'm an introvert.

But am I happy about my mental health? No. My co-morbidities, apathy (a schizophrenic symptom, but I think it's significant enough to be categorized separately), depression of some form, likely dysthymia, and schizotypy, are truely horrify painful at times, and I think that without AS I'd be rid of the other conditions.

I've always felt like I was "almost normal', and based on my experiences from the past few years I come across as slightly strange to my peers but most of them do tend to give me the benefit of the doubt these days. I have problems, sure, but pretty much everyone has problems.