How hard have you worked on social skills?

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How hard have I worked on social skills? Too hard.

I sacrificed my own happiness to maintain a mask of normality. Now I have to learn to let go, and find myself again... somehow...

Not working on them at all,
I invent my own,
Sometimes it works and when it does it magic,
Most of the time it doesn't i get into all sort of troubles.

I worked very, very very hard on them. But I have a lot of concessions I make for myself. I refuse to try to look normal. People will just have to accept my shocking non-verbal skills and get used to them. I can only do so much, my mind is only able to process so much at once.

I have fairly decent social skills, which is why my psychologist diagnosed me with mild AS. Much of it was learned over time, through trial and error. I still have issues to deal with, though. Here are a few things I've done that have helped:

* Rehearse conversations in my head. I'll often have imaginary conversations in my head, especially if I know I'm going to discuss something with a particular person in advance. The actual subject of the conversation isn't that important. What it does is get your mind used to interacting with another "person" even if they're imaginary or if the real conversation is nothing like the imagined one. In fact, I don't think any of the rehearsal conversations I've had were similar to the real ones. But I think it helped me get more comfortable with it. I do this a lot when I'm driving around.

* Observe. It seems pretty obvious, but watch how other people interact and see what's received favorably and what's not. If it seems like something you'd be comfortable doing, try it with someone you trust and see what happens. If it comes out bad, explain what you were trying to do. If it comes out good, then it's something you might want to add to your social skills tool box. If you can, try and figure out what the nature of the relationship is between the people you're observing so you don't mimic inappropriate behavior. Help from a trusted friend can be very useful in this regard.

* Create short scripts. Not monologues. I've "borrowed" and altered many lines from many different books, movies, and TV shows that I've used to connect with people. The important thing is to find something that fits your personality and to keep it short. A phrase or sentence is all you need. Also try to match it to the situation if possible. Again, getting a trusted friend to help can be beneficial. Don't imitate Mary Catherine Gallagher..."My feelings would be expressed best by the monologue from..."

* Learn to read body language. There are several books available on how to read and interpret body language. I've read several of them. I think it's been a big help in understanding others. It can also help you present your own body language so that you send the message you want received. Be careful with modifying your own body language, though; others might interpret it as fake and may think you're being deceptive. Then again, they may think your natural body language is expressing deception, like avoiding eye contact.

* Repeat what you heard in your own words. This has been the single best technique I learned in the workplace. Whenever someone is teaching me something or asking me to do something, I'll repeat it back to them in my own words as I understand it and make sure we're communicating the same message. I've avoided several potentially bad situations with this approach.

* Don't be afraid to ask. If you're not sure what a person means, ask them. I do that from time to time. Just make sure it's someone you trust who won't give you a smart-a** answer.

* If all else fails, be yourself. Don't do anything to change who you are simply to fit in. Whatever social skills you learn and apply, use them as a means to understand others and help them understand you. Even with the social skills I have and the tools at my disposal, I'm still the "odd" guy at work. However, I get along with just about everyone even if they think I'm not "normal."

I still have issues with interpreting some nonverbal signals, and I think reciprocating appropriately will always be a challenge for me. More things to work on.

I had social anxiety for a long time. I onnly recently started to reduce this anxiety by paying more attention to people around me. When I'm in crowded places I have to tell myself nobody is looking at me or judging me. I also adjusted my body language to appear more confident. People tend to show more respect to people who show more confidence. Why have anxiety if you feel people respect you?

However I still can't hold peoper converstaions for long. I think my biggest problem is managing the transistion from small talk to a proper conversation. I just try to think of relevant questions to ask, which makes the conversation one sided.

Don't get any idiotic friends who can't tolerate differences in you. That's an obvious one, and it makes things so much easier.

I don't really care whether someone on the street, who I am exceedingly unlikely to interact with and in all probability will never glimpse again, thinksI'm mentally deficient because I sing in the street.

too hard...

I tried befreinding people but it backfired...

I now hang out at the vat (a bar in red deer) whereby I randomly socialize...its not too bad

work is another way i try to work on my social skills.I use the customers as practice for eye contact.When they ask for something, I try to make eye contact momentarily.

DarrylZero, interesting list... it reads in part like a lot of my experiences growing up. To answer your question from my perspective, exhausted, is short form - no. The long form is that it becomes like riding a bike or playing a musical instrument; I am able to maintain my ability filter out 'noise' and inflect my conversation with others (although I think I rely more on mimicry and a store of responses than having my own words in verbal conversations) but it does make me tired, and there are times when I can't do it on command (tired, stressed, overwhelmed, sick, whathaveyou). It becomes facile, but never exactly natural for me.


M.

exhausted,

I agree with what makuranososhi said. With practice it becomes easier, but I don't know if it will ever become "natural." Even with the effort I've put in I still have some difficulties. For example, I've become fairly good at reading body language most of the time, but it becomes much harder when I'm also trying to engage in conversation at the same time. I still miss things, or sometimes I'm not sure I'm reading nonverbal cues correctly. It does take effort, and I think it's one of the reasons I find extended social interaction, such as being at work, very tiring. As I said, there are still things I have to work on.

I hope this was at least somewhat helpful.

After i started getting over my social anxiety issues i tried to put myself in a lot of situations out around people. I'm still horrible at the eye contact and usually at facial expressions.. those just seem unnatural to me.. but i think that getting out around people a lot and trying to strike up conversations about random things has helped me in being able to carry on a conversation, at least, even if i still come off as a bit odd. I've learned to ask other people how they are doing, and to ask questions about their situation when they say something about something that happened to them or a personal issue, even if i'm not that interested.. Sometimes this can eventually end up at something i can relate to in some way and i'll be able to add some input. I haven't made a lot of real friends through the conversation skills i've slowly developed, but at least i make some acquaintances and get the satisfaction of interacting with other people a little bit, and that's something.

How hard have you worked on social skills?

I spend more time on the web than I do with people IRL.

Hey, i think that interacting with people online can help with real life interactions a little bit... Not with the nonverbal stuff, but just with conversation skills. I think that watching a lot of TV sitcoms helps, too