mom of a 17 yr old Aspie boy

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I am an Aspie but my son is not so my advise would be from my own personal experiences. Try to find a common aspect or component in his interests of video games, videography, technology, digital animation and working with animals. Once you find what this is then it would be very easy to motivate him into studying this, become an expert at it and develop confidence in himself.

I wouldn't worry so much about friends or dating for him right now. Those are things that will happen when he's good and ready.

But I do have concerns over the "Oh, he's naturally immature due to AS, so it's okay if he doesn't do anything with his life for a few years". If you give him those "few years" of idle time, he might never want to work or go to college. I've seen it happen. And the parents just comfort themselves by saying "Oh, it's okay. He's just a slow bloomer. He'll get a job when he's 30, but for now, he needs to 'accept his limitations'."

Even a few months of idle time could really screw up an aspie's motivation. We have a tendency to really like getting into a routine, and really loving our leisure time.

I've been through periods where I wasn't even fully idle, just under-occupied, and I felt much more anxiety back then (about school/work) than I do now, when I'm over-occupied.

Even if he refuses to work, at least push him to volunteer somewhere 5 days a week. An animal shelter maybe?

Let him do his own thing, as that's all he's going to do when everything is said and done.

Hi there,

I have a 12 year old son. A lot of what I read in the original post again made me fear a lot of the things we'll face as our son grows older. Not too long ago, I searched independent living skills online. As a likely candidate for Aspergers myself, I wanted a clear idea of what independent living skills are... so I can work more on teaching them to my son.

Anyway, I found a page that I plan on using as a sort of checklist. (It's a pdf file) Our plan is to go through each skill on there, and work with him learning them. Once I feel he shows independence on a skill, I will check it, then move on. Since our son can be quite oppositional, especially when it comes to learning things I'd like him to (rather than his special interests) ..we decided not to tell him that this is what we're doing... we plan to just sort of 'secretly' expose him to situations and work on advising him through them. You can find the list here: http://www1.dshs.wa.gov/pdf/ms/forms/10_267.pdf .

Our son too is an only child. I worry myself sick about his future, but I've learned that if I show him I'm worried, he'll worry even more. He too concerns himself with "What will I do, who will take care of me if my parents die" etc. My goal is to get him to a place where he can gain much more confidence in himself. I don't have much for answers for you, but perhaps the list will illustrate for you what skills are required for independent living. That way, as he learns each skill, his confidence will grow.
Does that mean my son will desire to get his license, no ..he'll probably put it off for quite a while due to a lack of confidence in his abilities. Will it help him go to college straight after highschool? Maybe not, but it will bring him a lot closer than if we did nothing at all.

Best wishes to you all.

I'm a teenager going to college next month for the first time and the only aspie in my family, so I can probably only give you limited advice, mostly based off my experience, but oh well, advice is advice, right?

Counseling, as others said, can help with the situation since it's building his confidence and helping him to learn social skills, but then again, if he wants to do it his way, I would let him do it for the best of it.

Community College can work too since it's, well, at the community, of course.

Then again, if you want him to go to a university, you can check the colleges online to see if they have an Autism program. College, as everyone knows, is a rough transition in life, but with aspies it becomes rougher. An Autism progaram should help with the problems of Asperger Syndrome, such as social skills, sensory overload, and many things like that. Since a group of aspies go to a college and since they meet every day for--well--let's say a meeting or something like that, he doesn't have to feel alone in a world full of sociable people. Caution: only some colleges have this program. If your state (or country if you live outside the United States) doesn't have a college with an Autism program, it'll be trouble for him if you let him venture off. Of course, I'm going to one in Kentucky, so I can't speak for every state or country.

As for the immaturity--hmm... I would let him be himself. I mean, I'm 18 and still feel like I'm an eight year old. No problems so far.

Well, that's all the advice I can give you s of now.

I'd like to add:

In the end, it's important that your son is able to look after himself if something happens to you and you're not there to support him, and if he is incapable of it [due to the severity of his disorder], things need to be put in place for him.

Him doing "normal" things is quite far down on the list of what's important or not, and my psychiatrist is of this opinion too.

Hey, I am a 19 year old college student with Aspergers. I see your son is having some of the same concerns I had at his age and now, as our ages are not to far apart. I was homeschooled for almost all of my academic career and had too had few friends, and almost no one to hang out with and my level of social development was and still is behind. My mom was concerned and really didn't think I could handle college, even though this is a small school I am still 3 hours from home even with my fast driving. My first semester was rough and my first two roommates I did not get along with, and I've had some major depression problems in school. The good news though is, I have made some truly amazing friends, all be it they have their own issues, but don't we all? They have really helped me with my social skills, everything from encouraging me to talk to people, to how I dress, to how I walk, everything which I really needed. I am a B student pretty much, but I am hoping to bring my 3.1 up to a 3.5 next semester so I can get into the honors program. So really if your son doesn't want to go to school, tell him to go to community college and let him live at home, but if he wants friends and if he wants new experiences encourage him.

My 17 year old NT brother doesnt seem too motivated about after graduation, nor does he have plans yet for what he wants to do.He works as a stock clerk at a grocery store in Vegreville, but other than that, he has no idea what he wants, nor does he do much.He spends his pay cheques on things like game cards for his computer games and junkfood.Although he has his learner's permit, he doesnt have his full driving permit yet either.

One thing to consider, if his grades are good and he scores high enough, do the ACT now, and if he scores high enough, check into taking one online college course from a regionally accredited college (like UMUC online), and have him take "Study Hall" or something like that in high school so he's not getting one extra class, and maybe the high school would let him do Study Hall in the computer lab for him to work on his college class. It would kinda ease him into college, and maybe an online college might be more in his comfort zone.

Also, explain to him that he's going to have to work at some point, and a college education gives him more opportunities to not only choose the type of career he wants to do, but also the type of workplace he wants to work in. Without that degree, the opportunities will be more social in nature as McDonalds will require him to deal with co-workers and customers.

But, if you force college when he's not interested, you might be setting him up for failure. My father was sick with cancer that we knew was going to kill him, and we found out my first semester into college. I didn't want to go to school again til after he passed away so I could spend as much time with him as possible. He and my mom forced me into school claiming it was so that I could stay on their health insurance, and I failed 2-3 classes for every one that I passed. Considering I was using student loans, I have a debt larger than a degree right now with no degree. Of course, i was working too. I've had a job more often than not since I was 17 until I had my first kid. But now a days, with all my experience in professional fields and no degree, I'm still not qualified for much beyond McDonalds and receptionist.

One way you might consider to get him a little more stoked about college (for the right reasons...fortunately he doesn't seem interested in frat parties) is to go find the book What Color is Your Parachute. The first half of the book is on job search and home business, but the latter half is a bunch of exercises for one to create a flower of their ideal work place. It teaches how to priortize very well (nice little worksheet on that), and it helps one define his goals such as what to do with work, why do you want to work beyond the pay check (like to help the world type thing), what kind of work environment do you prefer, geographical location, etc. It also asks what training is necessary for this job. Maybe he'll decide something that doesn't require a college degree as much as an apprenticeship, but that's something he will have to decide.

I'd also look into providing him with information on careers with his special interests (like creating video games). What kind of jobs can he do with his "hobbies," what they pay, what type of conditions the work place requires, and what training is required to get there. Maybe he'd be more interested in goals like specific job as opposed to "finish school."

I would also supplement with some counseling. It sounds to me that he isn't afraid of leaving the nest as much as failing after leaving the nest. Once he figures that out, it would be easier for you to teach him the tools he needs to ascertain success. I also like the advice of coming up with a plan if something were to happen to you. My mother constantly reminds me of her life insurance policies and so forth for times like that. Right before my father passed away, he and my mother bought a grave site together for the both of them, and the tombstone. It was probably the wisest thing they could do since I have a sister who loves to argue with me.

Also, make sure you show him tools beyond college and ambition and job search. He really needs to learn financial management. With that skill, he could live off a McDonalds pay check if he had to. First do that talk about how you can either save for your future or steal from it...there's no in between. Every video game he buys today is taking away a video game in the future, and he can try to save for the future by finding other cost effective ways to get his video games (such as buying them used or making friends that know how to share). Of course, teach him the difference between checking, savings, money market, IRA, etc. Maybe even start him off with a Roth IRA in the next year or so (as he'll be more apt to add money to something that already exists rather than creating a new account). Also, he needs to learn the wonderful world of banking and how their version of customer service works, how the debit card works, how overdraft protection vs bouncing checks work, and the legalities regarding writing bad checks. Either way, now is the perfect time for him to start saving because he doesn't have a debt yet. Speaking of which, credit cards is an issue you need to face before he's 18 (they all swarm after that age group like no tomorrow). Also, he needs to learn how to access his free credit report because he will probably get a credit card without telling you, and then he'll understand what you are saying about debt but not fully feel the gravity of it, and seeing his credit report and score being affected will help him understand the gravity of it.

With financial management comes personal management. It's one thing to know how to cook a meal and go to the grocery store, but it's another to learn how to cook meals every day, clean up after those meals, and do the grocery shopping on a budget finding the best deals on meat and so forth. You should know all that mom related stuff is a tough gig, and many boys just miss out on learning that stuff due to the gender roles. What's worse than being single all your life? Marrying a girl like me who is very "domestically challenged." My mother in law is supermom when it comes to the domestic stuff, and my husband has no idea how she does it or what is involved. Both expect me to be much better at it than I am. My mom always pushed college and career like if I have that, then I could just pay someone to do all this daily maintenance of the house, or maybe she assumed it would come natural to me. I don't know, but I'm lousy at it. It doesn't matter if I were single so much, but now I'm married with kids. I wish so much right now that my mother 10 years ago taught me how to do this household management stuff and forced me to let go of my special interest long enough to do it because I want the best for my children now and I don't know how to provide that.

My theory though is, if you are great at financial management and personal management, then what you do for a living isn't of importance because you would then be in a position to make almost anything work for you. It's not about making more money, but learning how to manage what little you already have. Until you learn how to manage pennies and nickels, you won't be ready to deal with ones and fives. That's why you see so many big wigs fall, and fall hard. In my case, I never learned how to deal with my minimum wage pay check, so when I started getting a nice salary with benefits, I was still always broke. Gee I wonder why? This isn't Aspie vs NT...all kids need this (and some grown ups too )

Also, has your son considered the military? It has done wonders on my Aspergers, but no two Aspies are alike. But if he does have an interest, I highly suggest going Air Force or Marine Corps. If you want training for a career...Air Force. If you want to shoot a gun at bad guys...Marine Corps. Army will put you in combat, but Marines are better trained for it. Also one big difference between the two...Air Force is every man for himself in comparison to the Marine Corps (who is big about teamwork). Don't get me wrong, Air Force does function as a team, but just not to the degree the Marines do. I guess the difference is, if a Marine gets into a bar fight, every marine in the bar will have his back. If an Airman gets into a bar fight, the other airman will generally call the First Shirt to tattle on the airman fighting, who would then face an Article 15 for an alcohol related incident. Either way, military gets training in a career, housing, food, pay check, free access to attorney, tuition paid for college, life insurance, health insurance (100% at that with no copay, and they'll prescribe OTC so you don't have to pay for it either), free gym access, free access to psychologists and nutritionalists, free briefings on money management and family support type topics, and tax free shopping (great deals on liquor), and free unlimited CLEP Tests. For anyone to succeed, the most important thing is to pass that PT test with flying colors and avoid getting in trouble (especially for alcohol related trouble). The military is just a great place for young people who aren't sure what they want to do with their life and want to leave the nest. They really do teach you all the skills you need to transform from child to grown up. But if you don't want it, you won't make it far into basic training. Be careful giving out your number to some recruiters (especially army)... they will follow up, and follow up, and some as bad as a bill collector.

An Asperger's diagnosis precludes you from joining the military in the US.