Asperger's, Anxiety, and Success in Life

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The problem is, with people like him and many professionals who purvey the "fit in" mindset, is that "we" can't integrate into society and appear normal, no matter what they say. Even the highest of functioning people will never be normal and appear and behave the same like everyone else around them--if they continually force themselves to attempt to do the things that normal people do, they're going to fail eventually. It's inevitable.

This creates depression and pain, which leads on to suicide. It's happened with another person who wrote a self-help book in the same vain. Again, the help obviously didn't work (and it never will, as it's treating an ASD as an emotional and cognitive disorder, when in fact it's a neurological one that can't be thought out of).

The best "survival advice" for someone with an ASD is, to not compare yourself to others; do what you're happy with, not what others project onto you as they find that happy--they aren't "us". Walk our own paths so to speak.

Hi!

I'm really glad you posted this. I have a lot of the same problems. I didn't even realize my behavior until I was a junior in high school. I made a joke about how no one laughs at my jokes and, ironically, no one thought it was funny and took it so offensively because I had pinpointed people out. Basically, I lost 5 friends over it - one even told me they hated me. And I didn't get it. I didn't understand why they hated me all of the sudden - what did I do? I was just making a joke! But after I realized I was losing friends because of how I am, I became extremely analytical (it takes me about an hour to write a message like this one) and it sent me into a whirlwind of confusion. I'm kind of in a place where I don't really even know who I am anymore. I mean, it's gotten better with therapy, and since I've been researching AS I've been less ashamed to let my guard down. People's opinions will always matter though and I will always need friends. I love being alone, but I need some social interaction from time to time.

I also have trouble verbalizing my thoughts - I never even thought of it as all I see are pictures when I'm thinking, but that is definitely the case. I'm glad you mentioned that. As far as school, I'm extremely similar. It's hard for me to focus on it, but when I can, I excel easily. But this requires that I don't have hardly anything going on outside of school, which, for me, is near impossible. I can't hold a real job while I'm in school. Everyone doesn't understand why and they all act like I'm just super lazy. But when I was a waitress for three weeks while I was in school, I literally thought I was going to lose my mind. Everyone thought I was over exaggerating and being a b---- for quitting, but after I learned about AS I realized I probably would have suffered a serious nervous breakdown if I had kept it up. And I actually did end up suffering from one after I went to CA about half a year after that to be an actress - that was a disaster and it took about 6 months of therapy for me to even get somewhat normal again.

For what it's worth, socializing is hard, but what I've learned over the past few months is that you need to work on becoming more familiar with you, which is what it sounds like you're doing, before you can truly accept what others think of you.

Heck, that's the best advice for someone without an ASD, too.

A very good first post, and I think you're on to something important.

My own experience is that I get stressed in situations where I have to be social. I'm always on edge, and though I can "fit in", I feel really quite exhausted by the whole process.

I used to feel as though I should feel bad about being lonely, because I've never really made friends, other than my husband. Everyone else has friends from school, keeps in touch, goes to reunions... I've never been able to.

Once I stopped wanting to, I realised what a relief it was. So, I'll never go on friends reunited... I don't need to. I'll never go to a school reunion. I didn't like school when I was there the first time, so what's the big deal?

I think it's important to acknowledge our needs, for quiet, for space, for time to be ourselves. That's no bad thing. Then if we have to go into the NT world, at least we have our true selves to fall back on.

Before I ever heard of AS, I had a simple motto to live by (or, at least, one of several simple mottos).

If you try changing to make everyone else happy, you're the only one who's miserable.

There is value in adapting your behavior to please other people, but only to a point. It's a give and take thing. I learned long ago that if I did everything society asked of me, I would still not "fit in" or be "accepted." People are too fickle to please for very long. More so, if you want me to change for you, then you owe me a similar effort on your part. I'm willing to go halfway, but if you won't make the effort, why should I?

People with AS must learn to like themselves for what they are and know that it is enough. All you can do by trying to be more like NTs is mimic how they look and act, but it will never really be who you are. Your life becomes a total fraud, and I'm not surprised this is a depressing place to be.

I'm lucky to be pretty verbal, but in my head I'm mostly visual. It isn't pictures, but it's patterns. It's like I see complex problems and the solutions, but it's something not quite visual or language oriented. It's something else. Maybe it's math, and it's a 7th sense. It's kind of like the taste 'umami'/savory. It isn't as obvious as salt/sweet/sour/bitter but just as important.

I'm sure a lot of us see the answers to mazes. We look at the maze, follow some threads with our eyes, and see the solution. When we start drawings the line, we complete it quickly without error. But if we were trying to solve the maze with a group of NTs we would have to talk about each turn, and how we felt about it, and everybody would have an opinion, which they're entitled to, and it's all about process.

That's exactly it. It's not completely visual, rather conceptual. Although a lot of it is visual, some of it is what you have described - something else entirely.

Yeah, and this is also how we were taught to analyze things at school. On tests/assignments, there are always questions that ask to explain how you have gotten to the answer. I have learned how to analyze things that way, but it was a difficult and painful process that took hours of hard work every day. Although I can now do this type of thing well, my analyses are based primarily on logic instead of feelings.

First, I wanted to apologize for not responding sooner. I wanted to sit down and write out a good response, and this is really my first chance.

I would advise finding some sort of activity outside of school which goes along with your special interest. School and classes are really a bit too competitive for people to let their guard down. I don't really know what specifically is available to you... maybe some sort of chess or game club? If you do something that you like, you can always discuss it with others as a means to break the ice.


I really don't know how to help here. I do know that I don't have the "Aspie stare" that is common among those with AS. Maybe this is your issue? I know someone with AS who did a lot of "eye contact therapy" and I got the impression that it really helped. I can put you in touch with him for more specifics. I don't know anything more than that.


Yeah, I hear you. It's easy to think that way. I always revert back to previous life experiences and remember that things have a tendency to work out, and that I am confident and have faith that they will. This sounds somewhat religious, but that is not my intention.


I'm flattered and honored that you regard my posts in such high esteem. I always worry that my opinion is written off because I am not a "true Aspie."

People are interesting. It's just the individual specimens for which I can't seem to work up much enthusiasm, at least not for long. Being around too many people generally just makes me tired and cranky. I don't know why, I've just never understood why some people need to be around others so much or why they find others' business so endlessly fascinating. It's just who I am.

I guess you must be very introverted then. You don't experience emotional fulfillment from spending time with people.

Well from what I've gathered over time, while we Aspies do get it to a point, for the most part, those "vibes" that go between NTs...we don't give 'em off, nor do we register them.

We can get some emotional fulfillment from it, but not anywhere near to the extent NTs can.

I think it entirely depends on how introverted you are. Believe it or not, many with AS are more extraverted than they may even realize. Certainly there is an introverted side that is very strong (almost defining) with the hyperfocus, but then there are all of the other times. If that extraverted side doesn't find an outlet, I would suggest that this is extremely hard on the person.

I know that I have a strong extraverted side. If something in life is bothering me, for instance, I immediately feel better about it if I vent to someone I trust. I also love meeting up with trusted friends, whether it is at my house or out and about somewhere in the world. These are both very strong extraverted traits. I think if I didn't have some way to do this over the course of several months, I would get very depressed. But that's just me.