What is "approachable" and how do I be it?

Post Reply New Topic

Here's a possibility, maybe part of why you're seen as unapproachable is what you said about smalltalk?

Although this may not be you, you probably get the point:

Boss: How's life?
You: (look the other way)

Okay, maybe that's extreme, or not. I was reading about how there's what people are saying vs. the purpose behind it.

The scientific literature says people use smalltalk to show personal interest in the other person. Since it's a work environment and they want a "happy team spirit", then that may be part of why they think you're unapproachable.

I would guess you can still be a hard worker and also work in some smalltalk.

I found that several Asperger resources recommended this book for learning smalltalk http://www.amazon.com/How-Start-Convers ... 510&sr=8-1 So I was thinking about giving it a try myself.

When I'm dealing with (or have to deal with) overbearing, nosey, obnoxious people I use the power of questions. For one people will be overjoyed to talk about their favorite subject...themselves and thus enjoy your company. Second questions can have the effect of putting pushy people back on their heels a bit. So chit chat like this and then say you have to do some work and we can talk later. Make an effort to say hi when you pass people early in the day. It's something I have to force myself to do.

I don't think it's faking it that they don't like. I think most jobs expect you to be fake, just not too obviously. I guess that's not too helpful.

I could learn smalltalk, maybe. The problem is that it's such a "do nothing" job that most of it IS just hanging around with the opportunity to have people talk to me. That's one of the reasons I want to quit so badly but I can't because any future employer would contact this manager who would say

"Oh her? She's a real b***h."

and I don't know how to get around future employers contacting this one.

There's also the issue of the personal questions. I don't like to talk about myself. I don't like people to know anything about me. My life is my business. So when they ask me a question that they probably think is innocuous, I see it as a bit of an attack. I wouldn't care if we could just talk about music or TV shows or something (conversations that don't go anywhere but still establish me as a "friendly" person), but when someone asks me about where I went to school or my past or my health or my family, there's no polite way to get them to f*** off.

Yes. You learn to fake it.

If you landed in a strange land/world with a strange language and no way to get back to your usual world what would you do? You would learn to fit in with the situation you cannot escape from (or you would die). You live in a world that is overwhelmingly NT. There is no Country of the Aspies to go to. You don't have much choice but to learn to fit in as best you can or you will suffer a great deal.

I am an Old Aspie. It took me over forty years to "pass" for human. And still I am the same as always underneath; I am literal minded, single minded and not given to diffuse sentiments like the Normals. I have married a normal (53 years married) and begot children and grandchildren most of which are Normal. Only one of my kids as in Aspie and he has learned to cope.

ruveyn

But sometimes I'd rather blow my head off than listen to someone talk about their kid's soccer game. I geniunely DON'T care.

Is there any book out there specifically geared to helping aspies/schizoids (its never really been established which I am) fake it?

Maybe not fake it, but learn skills that will help you relate, and make it less painful.

Although I mentioned this one earlier, one I'm looking at right now is by Don Gabor, "How To Start A Conversation And Make Friends"
http://www.amazon.com/How-Start-Convers ... 525&sr=8-1 I found out that various Aspie sources recommend it if you want to learn the art of small talk. It looks good, although it doesn't talk about the body language aspects much.

Some others:

Andrew Matthews, "Making Friends"
http://www.amazon.com/Making-Friends-2- ... 698&sr=8-4 Also various Aspie sources recommend this book if you want to learn social/people skills that many take for granted, but even NT's have to be reminded of even though they claim they should have known the concept.

Although not small talk, becoming good with body language will help you get across a warm impression to them. I'm reading "Teach Yourself Body Language", by Gordon Wainwright, right now and it's interesting. It uses the research and puts it into layman practical terms, plus do it yourself exercises. It includes topics from eye contact, smiling, head movement (with do it yourself exercises to see how they react), gestures, postures depending on the situation, how to synchronize body language when having back and forth conversations, etc.
http://www.amazon.com/Teach-Yourself-La ... 044&sr=1-3

Excuse the length, but this is a relevant topic on where I have been working and improving lately. Can't say I'm any expert, but I've been really working on this exact thing recently (more... obsessing). I'm also only really put into social situations at work, so that is all the context of this. Outside of work, I don't have much relations to bother with unfortunately. It makes for a great place where light connections are perfectly acceptable, and you don't have to commit to anyone any more than you want to. I'm a bit closer to a managerial position so I've really had to make things start working for my own personal success, it's been a good kick in the ass.

Where I was the past seven months: I've been generally anti-social since I was dx'd. I've really backed off from trying with people, and had to sort of hole up and rebuild how I went about things. I thought I was doing ok before the dx, but I was never quite making it, so I lost all confidence once I figured out what was really going on (as it's mind blowing to realize that everything you knew was wrong). I was avoiding eye contact, and barely able to mumble out a 'hi' when passing due to flat out fear I wasn't liked in the first place. I did this before, but was a bit stronger with my basic acknowledgement of others. I wasn't approachable even before apparently, when I thought I was trying and had no clue I was so different.

Perhaps I just had a really good week so far, but I feel have found something that has really boosted my confidence just this past couple weeks. I'm not saying it is easy, but coming up with a script/routine that appears friendly will make you appear 'normal/sociable' and help start things moving. I never in my life have called people by their names, as I tend to mix up names and get into embarrassing situations. I've started tossing in names into greetings, or to get someones attention if they aren't walking/looking in my direction. This is much more personal, and it appears to make a huge difference from my 'experiments'. It is a scary thing for me to do, but it almost never fails, as normal people love this crap.

Where I have been these past week: I have stopped worrying if people care to talk to me or not. It doesn't really matter, and shouldn't stop you from saying 'hi', and asking how someone is doing. I've been practicing this with some of my more approachable co-workers, and was surprised at how easy it was today once I had a good script in place and had practiced it in my head many times. Thankfully, I have a few friendly co-workers who generally don't let me get by without saying 'hi' to me, while a majority let me walk by avoiding eye contact without ever saying anything. Next step is to approach the people that just make me paranoid as all hell. I've been leaving my office door open, and a couple people have just started saying hi to me as they pass, it is quite a difference just from a couple days of this.

Now, I'm not talking small talk, or hearing about whatever boring things they may want to talk about. This is a basic level of friendliness/acknowledgement, and you don't have to extend anything past that if you don't care about the person or what they have to say. It doesn't mean you're going to be best friends and hear every detail about their life. It makes the work environment a bit smoother, as most people are there for more social reasons than to just 'get the job done'. Knowing someone enough to be able to adjust to their style of working will help THEM adjust to YOU.

I may be taking an entirely different approach internally, in that I am genuinely interested in people, what they have to say, and want to hear whatever boring thing they want to talk about, as I spend most of my life alone. I've always kept up with people by just listening, but that only goes so far and is very one-sided. In this case, at the heart of things, I'm never faking it, so even though it is scripted mentally, there is something non-verbal that they just understand. I'm pretty weak in the facial expression department, so there is something deeper that just exists.

As far as the employer, it isn't ever a job requirement to 'fit in perfectly'. However, appearing to be an integral part of the 'team' and considered as a long-term asset, yes, fitting in socially is a requirement. If people are distracted by your anti-social tendencies, or they impact working as a team (such as a co-worker second guessing even approaching you for a basic question that would impact their timeline), then it is detrimental to the company and will be a factor in their decision to keep you around.

That is an opinion, and could easily be considered slander/defamation, so no employer with any intellect/experience will say something negative for a job reference to avoid a potential law suit.

The worst thing they can do is say 'no comment', which usually sets off red flags. If you were a good employee, they will be more than happy to give you a good reference/recommendation.

Look at 'Games People Play' by Eric Berne, doesn't really tell you the how but it tells you the why of small talk and is invaluable I think for aspies who want to make NTs more predictable. Not an easy read but very worth it.

Also 'What Every Body Is Saying' by Joe Navarro, amazing book revalatory for me and very easy conversational style. Invaluable for the non-verbally challenged.

Then look at 'The Truth About Lying' by Stan B Walters, not as nice to read as the Joe Navarro book but even more useful when it comes to deception or faking.

None of these are geared towards aspies but if you want clues as to what is and isn't acceptable then the second 2 books are what you need. The 1st will tell you what small talk is for and about why NTs do such weird s**t.

Hilarious. This post made my day.

I wouldn't bring AS into it if I were you.

Does your boss (or whoever it is) mean that you are not approachable to customers and/or clients, or to co-workers?

I support polymathpoolplayer's suggestion, with a slight variation in approach and spin.

I would speak to your boss or manager privately, without being confrontational or defensive, and ask for clarification and advice. This would be "playing your cards right" and "making friends and influencing people". I realize that you may not feel comfortable doing this, that it might be against your principles or something, and it sure would be easier to say "Screw these idiots" and leave. But as you said, you don't want to leave a bad rap behind you which might pop up its head when you look elsewhere for employment. So, just play their game, don't think of it as kissing ass, think of it as winning in a game of chess, a swimming race, a game of pool. Sometimes all it takes is one right move, using the right stoke, one great shot, to win the game.

^^ The above is good advice.

Here's what not to do, this is picture of a woman I work with.
Wear totally un-fashionable loose bulky clothing.
Never get contacts or nice glasses, wear some that like you got them when you were 12.
Grumble about everything all the time.
Talk to yourself like a lunatic.
Always take time to point out arcane things that could be infractions of company rules.
Never get a decent hair style, just use scissors to cut it straight off.
Alway talk about thing that you have no personal experience of like you're an expert.
Never get a joke.
Never smile.
Just do the opposite of all the above, and I'd say you were apporachable