This is what I'm trying to figure out now. I've been going to shrinks for about 7 years with all sorts of diagnoses, and only got the ADHD and the other two psych diagnoses listed in my signature in this past year. I'm taking Ritalin which helps some, but I have sensory and other issues that don't seem to be addressed by the ADHD. The psychiatrist wanted me to see a neuropsychiatrist, but never scheduled the appointment. So, I contacted a neurologist on my own.
I just saw the neurologist and not only had my diagnoses of motor apraxia reconfirmed-which I was diagnoses with as a young child, but was told that I wouldn't have the apraxia without some sort of developmental disability. I had seizures as a child-grand mal, and now may be/ have been having petite mal seizures over the years also. And apparently I should have been receiving balance training/ occupational therapy and cognitive thearpy, and testing to find out which developmental disability since I was a child. But because I was forced to learn to cope in difficult social and familial situations, that was basically ignored and never even mentioned to my mother by my neurologists as a child or the school system. Mainly because I wasn't a behavior problem, unless you consider my defending myself from constant bullying and attacking.
So, now I have to have a 48 hour portable EEG done, an MRI at some point, and am being referred to another clinic to see a neuropsychiatrist in addition to the neurologist, plus occupational and physical therapy. All of this so they can do the cognitive testing and identify which developmental disability-which from my history would be, in my opinion some type of ASD.
All of this is very expensive, and I have little money and am making payment plans that will drain me of nearly everything, I'm sure. But I'm doing it, because it my case, I have tried living-working on my own, "being normal", etc. And failed at it. And as someone mentioned, earlier, I think, even failed at college even when studying something I loved.
To make matters worse, I'm living with my mother who thinks that you can just push past everything, and that just because I'm smart and have artistic talent, that means I can do everything like everyone else. She really wants to be done with me, and not find out in her retirement that she has a developmentally disabled, albeit intelligent and talented adult daughter, who may or may not be able to be as independent as she wants. And she constantly rubs in my face how she worked and raised kids with her mental illness-schizoaffective disorder in her case. And I guess I should just buck up and be able to do the same, because otherwise I'm just being lazy and to her it's like " I won't" do something, when she doesn't understand that " I can't" do some things. And even with the doctors telling her my needs/symptoms and even with the uncertainty from the testing ahead, she still doesn't care. And I have had to deal with her and her own condition and medication not working-which really doesn't work well for someone with my conditions.
I hate being seen as manipulative, when I don't even understand it, other than intellectually. I'm a horrible liar. I'm brutally honest. But to her I'm playing some kind of game for sympathy, when I've had difficulties all my life. She uses the threat of kicking me out, letting me be homeless constantly, and this walking on eggshells really gets to me, sometimes making me feel like giving it all up, or maybe making an example out of someone. Thank goodness, I guess for anxiety drugs, so far I haven't harmed myself or anyone else. But it's like if she knows that something will, for example, over stimulate me, she'll do it, and then blame me for my reaction. And I have nowhere to go.
My only hope now is that I'm trying to get disability. And hopefully enough, and in combination with the other diagnoses-whatever they will turn out to be, that I can get out of here. Two people with neurological/psychological issues shouldn't live together, sometimes, I think. It's not that I hate her, and she was a good mother to me growing up, but I hate her attitude and sometimes it makes me feel like I hate her. I really wish all this diagnostic stuff would have been completed when I was a child, rather than at age 26. Because once you're considered an adult, for better or for worse, everything is "your own fault", your responsibility. And no matter how much you try, it seems like nothing is ever good enough. Not to mention any skills one has learned over the years as coping or compensating can obscure getting a proper diagnoses.
I wish this whole process was simpler.
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Have Diagnosis: ADHD, PTSD, and Schizotypal Personality Disorder, Motor Apraxia. Now in process of additional diagnoses-Developmental Disability, unspecified by Neurologist, awaiting Neuro-Psych Testing, and possible seizure disorder.
03 Nov 2009, 10:53 pm
