Sometimes I don't understand others, and am glad not to.

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wow, she sounds psychotic. her poor daughter

I've had a couple of conversations with other parents about how to help our kids remain friends. one woman was very clear that it was her girls who were at fault and she was going to put a stop to it, and she did and now the girls are all best friends. another parent who had no clue there was a problem talked to her daughter, found out what was bothering her, then called me back and explained it. then I talked to my daughter who had no clue her ADHD behavior was overwhelming her friend. my daughter wrote a very sweet note to her friend and she's also worked hard to tone it down to make her friend more comfortable, and they have been getting along very well ever since.

I guess I think there's a logical way to work things out, or there should be. people can't always remain friends, but IMO there's no excuse for not working it out so they aren't enemies. it sounds like the little girl is not getting any decent guidance.

When I think of empowering myself, I don't worry about whether or not I have a positive or persuasive effect on the other person... it's about having a firm clear presence in the world, not just laying down and letting people walk on me, but standing up, taking the risk and saying what I have to say.

It's about backing myself up. Letting the power in the interaction be mine, not giving it away to another out of fear.

This is one of the ways I take advantage of my therapist's advice... we brainstorm together to find a way that suits me. It's a social skill, just like every other thing it seems.

And obviously there are times when I'm just not up for it.

But I do think you and your son would benefit from empowerment training, learning how to say a firm, clear 'No' and not abandon yourself in the face of another's pressure, emotional tripping, or bullying.

Just my opinion, though.

A-ha! I was talking to him and found out why he doesn't want her around him... also specifically more or less what he's thinking of in terms of "wanting to be friends" with the girl.

She will not keep her hands to herself no matter how many times he asks. He is also tired of her "gossiping" which is a lovely trait passed on from her mother... apparently she is talking about whose mom and dad is drunk when on what street and about the guy down the road doing a bunch of drugs and junk like that on the bus. He's essentially tired of it.

What he actually means by "friends" is... every once in a while friends, not good good friends. He said it's okay if they are around each other every once in a while, but doesn't really want to be around her all of the time, or for extended periods of time, lol.

So basically... just gonna back it off and let it take it's own course... just not make it a big deal with the mother unless she brings it up as a big deal, and ask the bus driver to keep them separated.

can't keep her hands to herself? Is this general touching, or "Show me on the doll where the bad man touched you with the bad touch" type touching?

It's typical "ha ha-I poked you!" type of junk... and she does it CONSTANTLY, worse if he tells her or asks her to stop.

That is how it was in the first incident as well, so I know it will not be addressed, will likely get worse for him if I bring it up, and a huge scene will be caused when I can just "walk away" from it and let it all just fall through.

I'm glad that he told me... that was really driving me nuts. Basically it's the same crap he's been putting up with since the beginning of summer and he's just tired of it... so I can easily address it and just shove them off since they obviously never acknowledged the behaviors as a problem to begin with. We can ignore them just as easily as they ignore our attempts to maintain it all.

It also makes it a lot easier if she brings it up to me again (like, if she catches me when I'm out on my porch or something since she only lives a few houses away right around the corner), to just tell her exactly what I think. Actually, I might skip that part, I might just jump straight ahead to how exactly things just ARE going to be, and if she pushes, then she can hear my thoughts, lol.

Definitely makes it so much easier to decide on anything when knowing the facts.

Eewww, that little girl really is a toxic number.

I don't know how old your son is, but it might be helpful to you both to expand his vocabulary regarding people he knows. I was just reading one list I liked recently...

Strangers
Familiar Faces
Acquaintances
Friends
Close Friends

This little witch moves either to Familiar Faces... "Hi, ____, bye" or Acquaintances... "Hi, ____, how you doing? Isn't the rain wonderful? [small talk]"

Hmmm, now I'm noticing there is no Dangerous Backstabbing Enemies on the list... maybe a little too optimistic for real life?

ROFLMAO, maybe a bit optimistic, but it's a good start for an 8 year old to work with

Yes, he's familiar with a chart with these people listed, but it was moreso behaviors that were appropriate with each group.

For instance:

Close friends and family-allowed to talk about Star Wars non-stop as long as they are willing to listen, but must remember to listen to them as well.

Acquaintances-hi/bye type of stuff, yes/no questions... talk about school and small things like that
ways to move acquaintances into the close friends list possibly: ask about their interests, try to stay interested in what they have to say, remember to try to take turns when talking



A chart of names though, for him to place where he thinks that they belong, or feels he would like them to be, would be good. That way he could see visually how important these relationships are to him, and maybe gauge better how he should react to things (whether he should just ignore or actually try to sort things out, etc.) and all... I think that would help a lot actually, thank you for the suggestion!

Glad you liked it... I found the labels very helpful for my thinking.

The list also had examples of how much you would hang out with the person and where. Such as...

Familiar Faces... see them around, pass them in the hall, have classes with them. That's it.

Acquaintances... conversations every so often, small talk or about class. May see them in extracurricular activities (or on the bus). That's it.

Friends... the folks you hang out with at school, may eat lunch with them, occasionally do things together outside of school, clubs. You know about and share some details of each others lives and interests, but nothing too secret or personal.

Close friends... know some of each other's life story, visit each other's homes & families (maybe), trust each other with emotions, problems, feelings. You share interests and sense of humor. You see each other outside of school.

This list helped me see that someone I thought was a close friend was actually more of an acquaintance bordering on friend... I was more invested than she was. So it's enabled me to start to act more appropriately in relation to her.

I also have a place now for my favorite store clerks... I've tended to say too much to them about myself... now they are my friendly acquaintances. I have a better idea of how far to go in conversation.