Either can't or wont speak when upset?

Post Reply New Topic

Growing up I didn't speak unless with my family or best friend or if someone spoke to me first. But because I always replied when spoken to, it wasn't noticed much - teachers would always complain that I was such a great student except that I didn't ever speak up in class, and at least as a teenager I was very aware that if I actually HAD spoken up in class I would no longer have been considered such a great student.

One of my worst memories of this was at college when I had to read and talk about a book for lit class that I really loved and really understood and I knew that not a lot of people understood it and for once I really wanted to tell them what I had read and how I had interpreted it and when I spoke nobody seemed to hear me - I knew I wasn't making myself clear, it was all jumbled and mumbled, but noone understood that I was really engaged and nobody asked any questions. It was just gone.

I think that's probably one of the reasons I got out of academia. I mean there were other more longterm reasons political reasons but on a personal level that one was really awful. But if I'd had more practice speaking it wouldn't have turned into such a disaster AND wouldn't have been such a big deal.

People don't understand how hard it is to put words together, it's not much of an effort to them. When I do make the effort it's because I care and I wish it would be appreciated and I wish I would be given more of an opportunity to explain things at my own pace instead of being either swept up and dragged along or rejected.

But everybody's different. Just being aware of what happens makes a big difference I think.

I find it very hard to talk to people, when I'm upset. I just keep to myself, instead.

yes- i have this too, but i think you're looking at it from the wrong perspective.

its not that he is internalizing his anger/confusion etc- its just that emotions can overwhealm, and with some a.s people, our brain just shuts down... like a minor computer crash... the data is still there, but everything is frozen. like a mental hypothermia (where the body concentrates on keeping the heart going,and withdraws circulation from the extremeties- my brain can just switch off. i probably wont walk under a car, but i centainly cant speak).
my brain literally feels overloaded with information, and so i just....crash. and shutdown.

i can be ENDLESSLY loquacious, but sometimes- especially when stressed or upset, i cant formulate a sentence of even three words, even in my head. somestimes it hurts to speak at all; like eye contact does.

its not related to IQ, or vocabulary. its very frustrating, which exacerbates things further... then you begin to feel panicked...

less often its because the thought, or reply, is spiralling so fast in my head i just confused by my own brain. thats more akin to a feeling of loosing control- if you open your mouth- you'll shout, or not be able to stop some weird torrent of...i dont know.. rambelling.

i like the suggestion above about sign language- that might help. you could make up your own. i would find that useful.
or a small card, so he could point to- im in pain, im upset, i want to go etc...

good luck- hes lucky to have a sympathetic parent.

Thank you sooooo much everyone. I'm not stupid or being over protective!
Now is the BIG obsticle of how to get others to recognize that he is NOT manipulating them, this is very real for him. I know it can be frustrating to others working with him, but I have learnt patience and space without getting annoyed or excluding him and it eases sometimes very quickly, the more people push or worse yet, treat him like he is a liar or being will full, the worse it gets. Now how to make others understand.??????

you're not stupid and you're not being overprotective.

apparently I have this problem, too, but didn't know it until recently when my husband asked me where I wanted to go for dinner. APPARENTLY this stresses me out because my brain goes into a shut-down sequence. I didn't know it until he said "wow, you really do shut down when you're under pressure" and I realized that whenever I feel forced into making a quick decision and defend it, I get really anxious and shut down.

when I get into that space I have to decompress (our household word for quiet time with minimal input). if I can discuss things via online chat, I usually do better because there is less input and my brain is more free to process.

if your son has an IEP team then you should meet with them and explain it, so they can implement a plan for allowing him to remove himself to a quiet spot to recover. I've found that the teachers are generally reluctant to incorporate any deviations from their standard methods, even in special ed classrooms. it's kind of weird, IMO. in general I've only been able to get positive results with teacher, classroom therapist and school psychologist meeting together. meeting with most teachers one-on-one is a waste of time.

As decent as my math skills are, I cannot count how many problems I encountered in a relationship due to this problem. I do not like to speak when I am bothered by something. Especially when it pertains to the individual who is questioning me. I know if I speak my mind, it will only lead to what has already been previously mentioned in this thread by numerous people. Sometimes it may even turn into a vendetta that will last a few days. But strangely enough, my mood will change, I'll forget about it, I move on, and you can't get me to shut up! By then I will have constituted an approachable way to bring up whatever the issue may be. I tend to think silence quenches the possibility of escalated confrontation(which can lead to verbal, or physical abuse), and leads to inner reflection to analyze and understand internal or external conflict to resolve the matter. Communicate when you are ready! I feel silence, with the absence of suppressed anger(it's okay to be angry-just understand why you TRULY are), is quintessential to personal growth, regardless of who you are. But that's just my opinion

oh yeah, I guess I forgot to preface my above with "in addition to a complete inability to speak when I'm emotional".

I was trying to make the point that the selective mutism is even a problem in relatively minor situations where I feel pressured, which I didn't realize until recently when I found out there's actually a name for not being able to talk sometimes.

as usual, I left the connecting information part of my story out.

upon reflection I realize my pattern when attacked has been to break down in tears and not be able to explain why. historically once it's clear that other parties aren't interested in waiting for me to calm down and be able to find the words to explain and/or aren't interested in how I feel, I've gone into full meltdown, or I've shut down for sometimes months at a time. meltdown usually got me hurt because my mother saw it as unacceptable defiance and in my previous marriage my ex was the only one allowed to have strong feelings, so over time I've been able to develop shut down as my defense. it was much safer.

I don't talk much when I am not upset, so you can imagine that I clam up when I am. There are very few (as in one right now) people to whom I will open up when I am upset.

If i get upset, sometimes i kind of choke up and it gets hard to talk... When i was younger i used to get quiet at pretty much any time i got anxious. It just seemed easier to not say anything at all if i wasn't sure what to say or do in a situation. Usually these days if i get upset or overloaded and i have to talk(like if i'm at work) i'll stutter and sometimes repeat things. It can just be hard to get your thoughts together well enough to communicate normally when your head is spinning in frustration and confusion... Especially if those people around you are part of where that frustration is coming from.

I have two different forms of this. One active and one not.
I share the one others on this board are describing when I am deeply depressed where it just takes too much effort to even open my mouth or move my hand.

However, I have another type that happens when I am frustrated or angry. I can move my body and my brain is working and going sixthousand miles a minute and I open my mouth and make the shapes and nothing comes out. There are varying levels. The weakest one means I can write, my mouth just won't work. The middle one, I can speak a little signlanguage (this is SO helpful. I had to teach my partner basic signlanguage right after we moved in together) but if the person I am speaking to doesn't understand what I am trying to say, it backfires.
The most severe stage, I can't do anything. I can open and close my hand like a "firework" motion when I try to do signlanguage, or motion to things, but outside of that, I can only cry or whimper.

I never withdraw or intentionally don't speak, even when I am upset I try to communicate.

So if when he's angry he doesn't just withdraw, it may be something like this. If so, It's "can't" not "won't"

edit: it's really good that you're trying to find an answer. My parents /were/ the ones assuming it was on purpose.

The more upset I am the harder it gets for me to speak. When it happens in public I can usually hide it, but last week I got upset over something at a party and a few friends found out I couldn't after they asked me a question and it took me several minutes before I could bring out a response, saying that I was fine and that I would rather not talk about what happened at the moment.