marshall wrote:
Are there any other people here on the spectrum who ever struggle with writing? I feel like it takes me way too long to write posts and I don't have the large vocabulary or eloquence that most people here have. In general I feel like my writing ability sucks and I'm unable to express myself adequately. I also feel like I'm the most boring person on here. I have nothing interesting to say anymore. Everything has already been discussed to death.
I don't know. I'm now beginning to doubt that autism is the only thing that's wrong with me. I feel like there's something else in addition but I'm unable to express what it is. I feel like I'm trapped inside my head, unable to communicate something, but I can't even identify what it is. I feel like I've gotten stuck. I spend many hours of the day here on WP, mostly just reading, and I've gotten so bored with it. Yet I can't make myself do anything else. Every time I go on the web I go to the same sights over and over again and then I get more and more depressed when nothing interests me. I have such a drab uninteresting life compared to other people here. It's like I'm stuck in a shell. I barely talk to people these days and I don't find people humorous or entertaining like they find each other. I notice when others interact they're always smiling, gesturing, laughing, animating their face, etc. I'm completely flat and stiff. I rarely have anything to say, anything to laugh or joke about. I'm just bored out of my mind. It's gotten so bad. I often wonder if the only way I can alleviate all this is to end my life.
You've just pretty much summed up my sentiments. The "flat and stiff" feeling is how I feel around most people, too. If that's not autism, then I don't know what is. With writing, I'm pretty much the same. I post a reply, then see something I've omitted, then edit it again and again. It's one reason why I hate writing on paper. On paper, I often end up scratching out parts of what I've written and inserting new words or phrases. When I type, I can insert, delete, and rewrite as much as I want, and that's the only way I can (somewhat) coherently express myself.
There's one part of your experience that doesn't match mine, and that is boredom. Even when I spend continuous amounts of time alone, I am never bored. There's always something for me to do, whether it's playing a computer game, reading a book, listening to music, or just contemplating. I have a rich inner world into which I can escape at any point in time. I can relive past events in my memory, ask questions, solve problems, think up imaginary scenarios and conversations, and make connections all day long.
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Leading a double life and loving it (but exhausted).
Likely ADHD instead of what I've been diagnosed with before.
15 Dec 2009, 11:48 pm
