I want my Asperger's Obsessions back, Darn it!! !!

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One last thing i just wanted to bring up before i go shovel more snow for money:

Do any of you tire of the cycle, or feel worn out by it? It happens to me more lately but i cannot get out of the cycle!

The way i see life, aspergers, ADD, Depression, anxiety, physical sensation, psychological needs, bodily needs, bodily limitations, my body itself, physics, other people, their needs, responsibilities in life, responsibilities to society, physics itself - all of that, is an imposition and external to what i consider to be "me". So i don't see the cycle of obsessions/special interests as part of me, rather i see it as an encumbrance, although sometimes a pleasurable one. But then I also see the need to eat as an encumbrance - just think how much more work you could get done if you didn't need to eat ever! Of course I am actually gluttonous when I eat. Make sense of that, I dare you!

The cycle of obsessions is such that in the back of my mind, having been through as many obsessions as I have in the 27 years of my young life, I know that they will be temporary and that saps my enthusiasm as much as any other factor does.

In my artwork as you can see from the above post, I go through ideas the way i go through obsessions - i follow each variation on the theme out to its logical conclusion and then i'm done with it and its off to the kiln to get it fired; the next one is a variation on that. And on it goes.

What i have begun to find is that the obsessions don't actually completely satisfy me the way one might expect. I don't own them. I rent them. I get this that or the other toy or thing or whatever and enjoy it from as many possible angles as i can and then i put it aside. In my mind I don't see what the big deal is when other people object to my partaking in consumerism because a) i don't throw them out, and b) they have a lasting positive impact on my creative process. The thing is though that it is expensive and doesn't take care of all of my emotional needs; however i forget that when i'm in the throws of the obsession, and the way my mind works, with its limited "working memory", if its out of the sight of the mind's eye, it might as well doesn't exist, until the next time the magic 8ball is vigorously shaken, which might not be for a long time or it might happen tomorrow or an hour from now.

The inner peace I am searching for has to come from within. I know that. Theres not much that is profound in that, and yet if my take on the world and how i relate to it is inaccurate, and some of these things really are part of me, then there has to be an equilibrium i can achieve that would allow me to have obsessions but not let them replace other things, like emotional and psychological stability.

THe obsessions, when i have them, and some of you may concur, provide a rush that consumes me almost completely. It gives me context and carries me through unrelated tasks that i would rather not be doing, when i have to do them. But it is exhausting after a time and doesn't satisfy the need for inner peace. But they are awfully compelling when they come around.

The thing is, when i have these obsessions, they cause me to relate to my art differently. Lets say I was interested in WW2 submarines again; then for the duration, thats all i would be able to draw. The thing is that my interest in them wasn't as much artistic as emotional, whereas when i make the sort of art i do, that i have posted a link to above, i am working with pure aesthetics and thus transcending the obsession's source entirely, and thus have more freedom of a sort.

However it also means certain sorts of things are unavailable to me, for instance, making art out of subject matter that would normally be the source of an obsession for me is something i now cannot do, in part because i don't see any artistic merit. in it. Or i don't see an effective way to give it artistic merit because the emotional charge it gives me distracts me from my aesthetic sense.

So far i have not been able to reach an equilibrium on this and it is becoming a problem that effects my livelihood because I am a professional artist.

Everyone else i know who has Aspergers, and you guys, seem to have a much simpler relationship to the issue of your special interests. I don't. Its complex and inconsistent. If none of the above makes any sense to you, I apologize.

spacephrawg, I too am a professional artist. I have sold a lot of work and have galleries that represent me.
I have also found, in the past year, that I can no longer find a meaningful place for myself as an ASD person, in the art scene. THis has been an ongoing issue for me. I have had a choice - I could either adhere to a "product-based" mode of art production for the sake of commercial viability (this also involves the formulation of an 'homogeneous or brand like style" as is touted in the art schools as the THING to pursue) or I can be true to my ASD.

My pain around this issue has been pronounced and complex. In the end, I am who I am, and I can no more eradicate the autism from myself (which is the requirement of the scene) than I can become GOD. In my case, my relationship with my art is far more process based than that of many other artists I know. It is also far more heterogeneous, BECAUSE my process is unconcerned with developing a brand or signature style, and more concerned with the myriad sub-special interest issues that comprise my art practice. The commercial gallery scene has said to me over and over again - YOU HAVE TO DO ONE THING< CAMILLA. i have always replied, "why?" and "Who says?"
In the end, the scene requires the homogeneity i referred to in my earlier post on this thread. And if one has a presentation like mine, that is an impossibility, because it requires denial of the heterogeneity that is at the heart of my relationship with "self as special interest.)

Ten years into my art career, and two years into my formal diagnosis of an ASD, it has come down to winding down my formal career as opposed to abandoning the autism in me. I cannot fit in any box. never have and never will.
And so, further commercial success will no doubt elude me. But maybe I will be happier in myself, because I am surrendering fully to who and what I am. That is a good thing.
Luckily, some new special interests are pulling me in new directions, which will buoy me into a state of blissful joy and absorption again!

off topic for a moment:

Millie, though i am not yet in that part of the art scene, i am familiar with your problem, or i think i am, through other people:

One of my favorite sculptors, Lee Bontecou, got fed up and left the art world when she spontaneously changed styles mid-stream (her vacuformed plastic fish). She became reclusive for many years, continuing to make stuff. Now she's back on the scene making stuff that is an evolution of her older stuff.

I'm not sure if you're saying you want to quit but I hope you're not. The galleries want you to make a consistent body of work because its easier to market, or at least thats my opinion. They haven't tried to sever their relationships with you because of your changing artistic output have they?

The most important thing for me is trying to figure out what "Being true to yourself" requires in the context of whatever new inspiration comes along. I work in series and everythingn i do is a variation on the things that came before. Perhaps that will make me more marketable but i fear the majority of my work ,which is abstract, may not sell very well. People in America don't understand things with less than obvious meaning most of the time.

On the other hand! compare the creative approach of TV writers in the USA and the UK, specifically the BBC - i'm talking about tv dramas and comedies. In the USA, they try to appeal to everyone and you get watered down crap. In the BBC they aren't bound by doing things that way. The joke within the institution is that they do things to please that one guy sitting in the back who is picking his nose.

Since we all have to make money though, it is necessary to have a commercial line as well as a fine art line.

I used to intern for Mr. Joe Wheelwright, here in Boston, MA. Here is his website:

http://www.joewheelwright.com/

Anyhow he has three main lines of production. He has the expensive crowd-pleasers - the stone heads, the cheaper crowd pleasers - bronze moons about hte size of a baseball, and the deeper fine art in the form of his tree people. He does them all more or less at once. In any given day he spends some time on each.

Despite Aspergers, i have been able to switch tasks sometimes between two or three works in one day. I usually have a few going on at once: the brainy-looking pieces take the longest so they get the most attention; the geometric things get addressed when i put the brains on hold; the Egguins get done when i am tired of the other two or just need a mindless task to keep my brain busy. Egguins btw are these guys:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/phrawggmak/sets/72157622661493483/

The egguins are my crowd pleasers. They do have a deeper meaning and as such may well be the deepest of anything I do, but most people just relate to them because they think they are cute. I can go into what they are about at another time. The point is that the sale of six of them recently got me $70.

The other pieces haven't sold a single one yet, but the guy who bought the $70's worth has expressed interest and those more complicated pieces are worth more. So one can hope.




Here's the thing: I don't do anything if i don't want to. I couldn't give a damn about any romantic idea of art creation, or making a contribution to the world, or anything really. I do art for myself. It just so happens that some of what i like to do is appealing to people. maybe I am lucky that way. The stuff I raelly care about - the geometric and brainy-looking things, don't turn people on as much but maybe thats ok.

What kind of artwork do you do, Millie?

Also what do you mean by a "meaningful place in the art scene"?

My obsessions tend to cause a lot of "doing" and less learning. Even things like religion: When I get obsessed with something like that, I learn a lot about it, and then I spend a lot of time thinking about it or bouncing ideas about it off of people I know (no one ever gets offended when I talk about religion!). As such, the cycles can come back without me having to be bored of them, because there's always something new to do.

They think they know what's happening when they look at the shell.
For the casual aquaintence, maybe it's better that way.

It's only when things go wrong that I would want the important people in my life to know more.
And that would be because I would want them to help me, not because I want them to
use the information as ammunition against me.
So far, it hasn't worked out that way.

Maybe I'm better off letting them believe that the novel shell is all they need to know.

People who want to hurt will attack what they BELIEVE to be a soft spot. That's half the reason it took me so long to become a misanthrope. Their aim was so bad, I didn't know how often people were trying to hurt me. I just figured they were crazy.

Come out, little hermie. No one wants to eat you.
Your parents, teachers, shrinks, they just want you to come out and play.
Here, take this mind-altering substance so you can forget why you like that shell so much.

I think I've figured out why I don't like Temple Grandin.
Using intimate knowledge to lure your friends into a slaughter house just doesn't work for me.

my obsession has cooled on down. now its heading twords autogrphed sporscards, and the rise of everything ichiro suzuki and peyton manning once yao ming gets back in it, ittle be about him

I get new obsessions during the run of one obsession. I sometimes (usually) have several obsessions at one time, and that's only because they overlap, so I will forget the oldest obsession or just not become interested in it anymore, but I will still value it, and I will find a new obsession, and the oldest obsession next to it would become the oldest.
And it runs in that continuous cycle, like all the time. Which is why I have hundreds of obsessions, most of which have been very short-lived.
And I can return to some obsessions, normally the ones I took the most interest in, but they don't last very long as they did. But never do I run out of interests.
The category that most of my obsessions come from are like fantasy, science, science fiction, surrealism, space (which is an obsession itself), imaginations, and movies or tv shows, or colectible objects. So yeah, they never run out.

chuckle chuckle!

There are many good people in the world. But there are also many who simply bully ASD people, OR misunderstand us out of incredible ignorance and lack of awareness.
in the end...for me...the larger world IS the slaughter house and the greatest peace and pleasure is attainable by simply being me. In my case, I fall flat on my face every time I try to fit into the mainstream world.....

My family has a club - The Fang Club. We are a club of crustaceans.


as for the term "meaningful place in the art scene...." That would translate to having a place in the broader world where I can truly be me. But in the end, it just doesn't work that way. and so, i have to find my own places in my own ways. I've never met an employer or ANYONE in any field who can fully embrace the idiosyncracies and inconsistencies that comprise "me."

So...I'll build the finch aviary in the backyard instead..........



And as for Temple and "the stairway to heaven?"
I can't quite get my head around that one, either........

Should I have explained that better?
The current special interest, or shell, may not technically be a permanent part of me,
But the need for a shell is absolutely a part of who I am.
The particular shell matters. It must be just right.
And when I outgrow it, I need to find another.



Streaking is unnatural for hermit crabs.
They don't go without a shell unless something is very wrong.

understood perfectly, now.

.. couldn't agree with you more, we are similar age, my obsession that i built a career and business from is now deadly uninteresting to me yet I have to trudge on.

Your sense of humor is a breath of fresh air. Just wanted to say. Thanks for these posts.

Back to the issue of obsessions, thing about me is when i stop and look at the pattern and the need for these obsessions, the whole phenomenon starts to look to me like an exhausting bother and the romance is suddenly lost.

I really hope I don't lose my current obsession, because that's what I'm going to build my career on, as well...

I was reading an article by Steve Pavlina about the top 10 reasons to not get a job. I guess this is actually a case where an 11th would be added for autistics.

hello ablomov. Yes. That is what has happened. But I am not so uninterested in painting - more that I have come to realise the strictures of the scene and trying to navigate through that as an AS person, make it too difficult for me. Added to that, I thought it might be more open-minded, and in the end, it is just like any "career" with hoops to jump through, appalling nepotism, ways of behaving that are not natural to me as a loud mouthed aspie.

I shall continue to paint privately and when I want to, and NOT because of trying to fit into the NT art scene.
At the end of the day, there is a glass screen between me and other people in the art world. There's a career path and formula one must follow and I haven;t done so because I can't. I am a pure auto-didact in every sense of the term.

Anyway, it was exceedingly painful arriving at this decision and surrendering . ANd once I had, I just felt the most ENORMOUS sense of relief - as if I could just be "me" again without having to contend with the pressure of a formal career.
I can get back to pursuing my special interest in my own time and own way, along with the other special interests I am developing.

I do not think all people with AS will go through this experience. Many here on WP have a much better prognosis than I do, in terms of working with people, managing dynamic and changing situations and work environments.

I am not impaired in the verbal sense . ( Hyper-verbal aspie.) BUt I am fairly afflicted in terms of my inability to be around people and to cope with dynamic forms of interaction, as is required in normal NT life, on a daily basis. I can deal with static forms of relating where roles and scripts are clearly defined. (Hence my ability to cope with NA, which has helped me a lot.)
and of course, when one is a hyper-verbal aspie who has an extraordinarily high verbal competence, then the gulf between this apparent verbal competence and the other parts of my ASD presentation result in that unneven pattern of abilities that the regular world finds so downright annoying.


Throw in a good dose of whistle-blowing - and you have a recipe for career disaster!

I haven't got to that age yet where your obsessions get less strong. But I really don't want my Aspeger's obsessions to go. I've had obsessions all my life, it would be different without them. I wonder when my SpongeBob SquarePants obsession will fade though.