Having Children

Post Reply New Topic

I am an 18 year old guy, with Asperger's and other comorbid psychiatric conditions, and I dont think I am ever going to have kids because I am still a virgin, extremely shy, never had a girlfriend, left high school without a single kiss, and I have a fetish to dentistry thats soo bad that I barely have any feelings towards women. A pair of breasts will not even barely raise an erection. I dont even want to have kids because my behaviour is soo wierd that no one could survive with me and I dont like change, but I feel like If I dont one day have a child, or even a girlfriend, people will think I am gay or something, or Im a pedophile, or a pervert that no one will like. Ive even planned to move away into the mountains because I just cant stand people and their opinions towards me. And dont get me wrong, Im not some teenage girl that wants to have children at the age of 13, Im actually getting an education, maintaining a composed life, etc, although Im just worried about the future, what people will think about me in the future, because people already think Im wierd based on the way that I behave.

I do want to start a family, mainly because the Bible says to "be fruitful and multiply", and if I choose not to have kids, I might go to hell.

I have children, and loved being pregnant. I think, though, this is something that must be controlled by logic.

It is never a decision to make lightly.

I wanted children.
I had children.
I love my kids.
I didn't know I had Asperger's until, like, two days ago. (I think I have it, so does my mother)

Is it hard? Pssht um, YEAH. But who is it easy for?

I'm a single mother, no husband, not rich (in a monetary sense), don't travel, not many friends - but I have my little men.
It's awesome watching them grow, seeing how they change, how excited they get to learn new things. They smell, SOOO good. They're soft and sweet and smiling and I get hugs and kisses every day.

There is a lot of 'chore' work around having kids, they do make a great deal of noise, but it's how you look at it. I'd have to clean the house anyway, I'd have to put food in the fridge anyway, now I just have to do it more often. They take pretty much all my money - so no travel etc - but I'd rather have my sons than a vacation. What would I spend my money on anyway? Trendy clothes? An expensive cell phone plan? Going out to dinner with friends?
hahahhaaha, right.

So for me, it's worth it. The hardest part is the pregnancy. Man I hate being pregnant. The increased sensitivity to smells alone was evil.

Everyone's afraid of being a parent, most people think they'll mess up their kids, but life has it's challenges and we do the best we can with what we have.

Having good support options around you (a relative who can take/watch the kids for awhile a few times a week) helps.
Putting the kids to be at 7pm helps a LOT.

so then adopt

He's entitled to his opinion on the matter but in the same respect you're entitled to yours. Not to butt into your personal life but if it's something you feel strongly about wanting to do then i'd sit him down and explain that. You seem to have taken to heart his wishes, it would behoove him to return the favor. But that's just my two cents.

I wouldn't mind getting married to my best friend, who's a man and adopting a couple of babies of my own. I have issues with sex, which is why I'd rather adopt. If they happen to be on the spectrum in the end, I think that would be even more cool. I've always liked special needs children, better. They're not as judgemental about hair, fashion and music, as the normal kids are.

I'm curious...what are your issues with sex?

If you feel they're too personal to discuss, I totally respect that; but I'm certainly curious.

I don't want someone's penis inside of me, and I was raped by a man who never washed, shortly after I've moved out on my own, once. Thank god he's been kicked out of my building. There was also this man in a wheelchair who tried to french kiss me. French kissing is "The Crippled Man's Rape Tatic."

oy, I totally understand.

In that case, I would go the adoption route, if that's how you're most comfortable.

I definitely want kids though.

Heh--it's funny, I used to think that the world could never put up with more people like me...now all I hear from people is "we need more people in the world like you"; yeah, maybe my girlriend( eventually who will be my wife), and I can do a little something about that

What I think is so incredible about the thought of raising children is that you don't know what to expect: they could be just like you, totally different, get lots of their ideas from you, take a totally different spin on it; but they're still yours, and y'gotta show yer up to the challenge of handling it. I just love the thought of that.

I always wanted children. I have five. Its challenging for me a lot of the time. Noise, chaos, confusion. My 6 yo is an aspie as well and thats where I find the most trouble. Not in dealing with her, but trying to help her understand a world I don't understand myself. I use Google a lot. Seriously. I don't have supportive family or anything like that so I can't rely on their help.

I think my best coping mechanism is that I have turned parenting into my special interest. I research endlessly, especially when something comes up that I'm unsure about. My failure at parenting is what I've seen repeated in this thread. The interactions with other people. Kids friends, parents, teachers, etc. That is a real struggle for me. At times I'm sure I'm mucking it all up, but I just keep on keeping on.

There are so many wonderful things about being a mother that I can't possible express how it makes me feel. To know that these little people will grow up to be big people, and learn from you, and learn to love from you. They could be anything, or do anything, and you shaping everything all the time. That power and responsibility is tremendous and one I don't take for granted. I love them so much. I'm concerned about their welfare 24/7 and though I'm not always as attentive as I'd like to be.. I am there for them. I love their snuggling bodies next to me, and even in the midst of a touch overload.. I still wouldn't trade them for anything. Their eyes light up when they see me, and hugs and kisses are something so marvelous that words don't do it justice. I could never have imagined in a million years just how rewarding being a parent is.

But I am challenged by it in not only the normal ways that all parents are (late nights, babies that won't stop crying, kids throwing food, potty training, etc) but in ways that are unique to those of us that have social troubles, and sensory issues. Sometimes I have my hands over my ears and I'm rocking back and forth because I can't process all the noise and I have to escape. When you're a mom you can't just run away and lock yourself in a bedroom until it goes away. I can't just leave them. So sometimes I need a temporarily escape in my mind, and covering my ears and rocking accomplishes that. I can breathe for a few minutes, get myself together, and try to avoid a meltdown on my part. (which almost always ensures a meltdown on their part as well.)

Keeping my meltdowns in check is another issue that "normal" parents don't have I guess. Though I suppose everyone gets mad from time to time. I've found a way to diffuse the situation and it works for now because my kids are little. (11, 6, 4, 2, and 2 months) . I call myself the "Grumpy Old Troll." If anyone knows Dora the Explorer, theres an episode that has a troll bridge scenario in which they have to answer a riddle to cross the bridge. Anyway, he sings a song, "I'm the grumpy old troll who lives under the bridge. I'm the grumpy old troll who lives under the bridge. If you wanna come over, all you gotta do is this... all you gotta do is this. .... Solve my riddle!" And that is a song we sing a lot around here. (and not just because its catchy lol) Because the troll is a funny looking grumpy character that tries to scare Dora, but really he's not that scary at all. And thats a lot like what I may look like during a meltdown. I've had my 6 yo say before, "Mama, I think you're turning into the grumpy old troll again." and she's right. It helps to keep my emotions in check and to forgive myself and not be so serious. In the moment when my senses are being assaulted, talking isn't useful.. but remembering the grumpy old troll song has proven really helpful.

The posts written by other members here I can really relate to wholeheartedly by the way. Its not loving my kids and being here for my kids that is the problem, its mainly teaching them how to interact with a world I am not much of a part of... and interacting with others that are around my kids.

I adore kids and would like to have one someday, but I don't think I would make a good dad.

Seems like he wants you to have his children, but he's not ready to do that NOW. So he'll pretend it's not what he wants.

If you're good at multi-tasking and able to stay calm in stressful situations, you might be a perfectly good parent.

I have two kids, one with AS and one without. The hardest part (aside from never having time to myself, not being able to get a break when needed) is the social element of raising kids. I never spent one minute thinking about this before I had kids. But every day has a social agenda. In school, you have to communicate with the teachers (and if your child has ASD, you communicate with the teachers and the school a lot), you have to communicate with the other moms/parents, you have to communicate with the other kids who may or may not befriend your child. I have to push myself in all these things because normally, before I had kids, I wouldn't bother to hang out with or talk to people that I did not like or that I wasn't very close to. Now I have no choice but to hang out with strangers (like when my child is invited to a birthday party and I have to stand around trying to make conversation with the other parents). And I have to try hard to come off as a bland, "normal" person, because these other parents can be judgmental (and you don't want your child to be shunned or excluded because the other kids' moms think you're a weirdo). It can be like middle school all over again, where you are trying to fit into a social group and everyone else seems to get along really well and you are on the outside. To me it is very, very stressful. I'd prefer to avoid all this stuff, stay home and stay in my routine, but you can't do that when you have kids. You have to get them out there where they need to go and want to go.

My main bit of advice is to make sure you live very close (no more than a 15-minute drive) from family. Friends are good to have around, too, but they move away or don't have kids and live a different life. Plus, friendships end. Family is family forever. If you're lucky enough to have a good relationship with your mother, father, brothers, sisters, cousins, etc., you should make sure you live close enough for them to help you when you need help. I would give anything if my mom was still alive, just to have her come over for an hour or two once a week to be with us. I need someone that I trust 100% and who I know is not judging me. If you have family around and they are helpful and kind and wonderful, your life will be a lot easier. Your kids can play with cousins and have a ready-made and accepting social group.

The other thing that helps is to have a lot of money. I used to think I could just get a babysitter when I needed a break or time to myself. Turns out babysitters are $10 an hour where I live. So if I go out for dinner and a movie with my husband, the evening ends up costing us over $100. We can't afford that. Even if I just go out for two hours, that's $20. Just can't afford that on a regular basis. But if you are very secure financially, you can have a nanny or regular babysitter and that would be a HUGE help.

Before I had kids I didn't realize how much effort I expended every day just to keep my head above water. Like working to earn money, paying bills on time, returning phone calls, doing laundry and grocery shopping, feeding the dog, cleaning the house. Regular life stuff. But now that I have kids, I am overwhelmed. I have to do all that stuff plus all the stuff for the kids, and it is extremely difficult for me. I have it all in my head and it causes a crushing stress. I feel like I always have a million things to do and will never, ever be able to get it all done. This is a constant state of mind for me. It never ends. Some people with AS can be very easy-going, but I am not one of those people. I am high-stung and have a terrible time coping with change and stress. Kids are a constant state of change and stress! They are also wonderful. But it is not easy for someone with AS to raise kids. You risk becoming very isolated and that's not good for the kids. They need opportunities to live a regular life, not just stay home every day doing the same things by themselves (even if to me that seems like heaven).

It seems so far off and elusive now, I doubt it will ever happen. That image I used to have whenever I closed my eyes just gets fuzzier day after day.

I am probably going to have to go on some pills for my anxiety when I have a kid. But I will see. I have my husband too. I don't expect to be on the computer all the time anymore when I have one. Because I love to talk, I might not have a problem talking to other parents.