Loss of motivation in life

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Yep, me too.
These days it feels as if there's a potential hill blocking me from making any great effort.

It's an interesting idea that it may come from a lifetime of being held back and otherwise controlled by others. Certainly a history of repeated failure and frustration isn't the best motivator, and if you come to see the world as somebody else's oyster, then that won't get you moving either.

One counsellor suggested that my mother had trained me into a "don't do it" attitude with her negative, overbearing ways.......it's quite feasible in my case, but I've never noticed any connection with my present life, i.e. when I feel unmotivated I don't have flashbacks to my childhood to explain anything, I just don't feel like I want to invest my resources into this or that. There's no obvious answer to the question "why?" that stares me in the face.

I still have some motivation left, perhaps only because I understand how my life could spiral into oblivion if I completely succumbed to inactivity. But my motivation is often very brittle, easily destroyed by the slightest whiff of failure or by any suspicion that there might be better ways of spending my time. I fear doing anything that won't show good results pretty quickly. Yet once I see progress or some sign that I'm really mastering the particular task, I can soldier on for weeks. But mostly life feels like pure slog, always having to drag myself up to the plate. Often I don't even want to write a "to do" list, because I know I'll come to hate that list. I wrote one a few days ago - it's no doubt a useful list, but every time I look at it, I see all the things I've failed to do.....I've checked off a few items, but most of it is still not done, and that in itself demoralises me.

I think a lot of my trouble comes from not thinking in words.....it's very difficult for me to challenge my own negative thoughts because I barely notice them, as they're not initially expressed in words that can be spoken, written down, and properly evaluated. When I do see them, I'm often amazed - they're often just silly excuses for inactivity - e.g. an exagerrated sense of what might upset others will stop me in my tracks, though I very rarely try to ask them how they'd feel, I just abandon my plan. Whatever happened to the notion of taking reasonable risks?

What makes it worse is that I feel so lazy, yet intellectually I think there's a lot more going on than just bone idleness.

I don't find encouragement from others particularly useful either - in fact it's more likely to motivate me if others tell me my plans won't work. "Positive reinforcement" is just like water off a duck's back - so many people come out with empty platitudes and hyped-up claims about the power of the individual, and I'm very wary of this "can-do" culture. For me, feasibility is a thing that needs careful assessment, it's not a suitable area for cranking out an unqualified pep-talk. I'm sure it can work on some people, if they're both underestimating their own abilities and susceptible to suggestion, but for me I need to know specifically how and why a particular proposed activity is going to work out well. No offense to those here who want to say things like "hey, you can do it, don't give up hope"......just that in my case it doesn't reach the mechanisms that are responsible for my lack of motivation. I'm probably too independently-minded for my own good, but that's the way I've always been.

I used to think like this to, but not anymore.

what was bothering me was I thought life has no meaning. But it does have meaning, when you are dead it doesn't, but alive it does.

My advice is look for things that give you meaning to your life.

Couldn't agree more. Your life has no meaning until you give it meaning!

For many people, this has to do with starting a family. For many Aspies I expect it's to do with their obsessions.

Whatever yours is, find it and you'll have a sense of purpose

I am 46 and also very tired of late. Tired of life, I think. Tired of trying for 46 years to fit in and be who society expects me to be. It hasn't worked, and now I've lost the will to keep trying.


Well said.


Same here. NT's think they know the answers. It's so frustrating. I guess the blessing of living this long is being able to know ourselves and be honest. But I still go back to feeling like I should (that horrible word) be doing more, be more hopeful and motivated. I'm just not, and I'm trying to deal with that and not feel guilty about it.



I agree. There is a lot to gain in realizing we are not alone.

thanks for the identification, MsTriste.
I certainly find it very important at this stage in my life.

Since my dx, the one really good thing is the "shoulds" have, eased off somewhat. I am giving myself fuller permission to be me and to find some peace in myself. It's good. At least now I know what I am and who I am. Prior to my dx I was scratching in the dark like a fretting rodent. (45 years of that wasn't much fun.)

Ive just been DXed and still trying to figure out what I should be doing. The more I look at myself and my personality, the less it resembles how other people are and the sort of things they are doing and thinking. I dont know. Maybe soon I will figure something out.

my experience - for what it is worth (and it may be worth nothing...) has been the post diagnosis process in adulthood is complex, difficult and rewarding. I certainly appreciate being able to re-evaluate my life from the vantage point of a new paradigm that explains a lot of what was previously unfathomable to me and those around me.
But it has also been very hard and there has been a lot of grief, rage and regret.

It's around 2yrs since self-diagnosing and 1 year since dx by a specialist in ASD's.
As hard as it has been, there is a kind of intangible quality to me i have never had - a deeper level of acceptance and a willingness to allow myself to simply live as who and what I am, rather than the alternative --- which was a series of stringent and painful attempts at trying to fit in (at great expense to my wellbeing.) I look back on many years of self-abandonment and that is hard.

At the same time, I do feel a substantive improvement in my self-knowledge and I am feeling ok. sad. but ok. I am starting to really understand my limitations and I am also staring to understand where I can place my energy so that I can maybe have some happiness.

I hope that helps. Good luck with your journey.

Thank you. Yes I think most of the changes that occur post-dx are intangible.. for me it has really brought me a more realistic view of my situation and my need for autonomy from people who think that I cant take care of myself.

I need to focus my energies on being able to live a more independent lifestyle. It is difficult though as that involves giving up some old habits I have used to cope for a long time which are now sabotaging my progress in life. I think for me that is the self-abandonment that you speak of... abandoning my real life to do silly things. I have to find things that replace them.

I think also I have to stop telling myself I should be like X, or Y, instead of being how I am.

Also I am different to a lot of aspies here on the board so it is sometimes hard to find advice that applies to my situation... anyway I guess that is my challenge to find.

I enjoy reading what other adults write who are living their lives... there is much wisdom to pick up from these posts. .

This thread is bringing me to tears. I can't even begin to list all the things in the posts that I can relate to.

I do know that in the past, I was blocked by other people from doing what I wanted to do. In fact, I was so un-self-aware that not only did I not know what I wanted to do, but I didn't even realize that I was being blocked from doing it. All I heard for so many years (well into adulthood) was "can't" and "don't" and "won't" and shouldn't." When I began to break out of that, back in the early part of the last decade, I immediately encountered a huge amount of resistance from the naysayers in my life. An excellent therapist and a very caring school advisor helped me to overcome the external negativity. At this point, all the people who opposed my growth and learning have either become supportive or have been left behind by me.

Now my only opponent is myself. We are still working on that one. However, at least I was able to learn how to rise above others' imposed restrictions on my choices in life, thanks to the therapist and the advisor.

Millie wrote:

My feelings post Dx too. All the years before, knew i couldn't be 'me' due to no paradigm of understanding physiologoy. So lived in a split world: with the world 3/7 days, 4 days to widraw and regroup. waiting for the time of explanation.

HAppy to be whole at last on this planet..publically ie.!

I think even if you are 20, it's a valid reason and not an excuse.

Your life is your own and should be spent on things that work for YOU. Not on burning yourself out trying to fit in. You shouldn't have to wait until you burn out before you're allowed to stop forcing yourself into a mold that doesn't fit and does damage.

Like if you have hypertension...you don't wait until you have a hemorrhage before you do something to ease it.

To this end, we are only motivated if we have something to live for.

What's your motivation?


--- adapted from a fellow Aspie

20...yes. that's valid too, as you state.

We're never too old nor too young to pursue our dreams.

To feel good and to have fun....trouble is, I don't know of a good formula to get that to happen. I can find a thing that makes me happy now, and store away a few tons of it, but if I get bored with it then I'm back to Square One.

Autistic inertia = what do you do when you're not engaged in one of your special interests?