Eye Contact

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I have been told to look at people when they are talking to you... I remember that as a kid. But before I ever knew about autism ect, I had always wondered why I had trouble with doing so... why of ALL things? I do what I hear lots of folk here do: bounce from eye to eye to eyebrows to mouth & nose, ect. Even growing up doing this, when I received teaching comments for my TAing during my BS, I KEPT getting comments about my behaviors, including eye contact issues.

But I have similar issues as people are describing here. If I do manage to look at both eyes, it's not for too long. I somehow begin to space out, like falling backwards off a cliff... that loss of balance. Sometimes I manage to keep talking (and I have no clue how that goes, lol) but I apparently usually just stop talking and kind of stare... I've been called on that a few times.

So I just don't do it. No one has commented on me about my tactic... But even my teaching evaluations tell me it must be noticeable, as I have been doing this a very long time... hard to improve upon.

Other things I have noticed:

-Doesn't bother me to look at eyes if I know they aren't going to shift their gaze towards me.

-Can do eye contact if I'm LIVID..... I have had a couple BFs comment that the only time I really look at them is when we are fighting and I'm on the offensive super-pissed side of the fight.

-Also, I like eye contact if I'm super up-close to the face... Have only done this with BFs, but putting my head to theirs and looking one eye- to one eye or both head on and up close is fun.

I see nothing. The eye provides me with nothing. I make no communicative eye-contact, because I cannot. I only see a marble. I only look at someone's eye when I want to see the eye, not to read emotions or to show anything.

I hardly look into people's eyes but I've never been told off for it, unless I'm getting told off for something else or intimidated by someone they'll tell me to look at them, which makes me want to look away more. I do try to look in people's eyes all the time but I can't do it long enough, I can only look in my brother and sister's eyes and my closest friend's eyes and feel comfortable, my siblings because they are young kids and they're easier to look at up until the age of 10.
In my year 11 parent's evening when we saw the English teacher she was always trying to look into my eyes when she was talking and leaned forward, if ever I tried to look up from the table it was like shining a torch in my eyes, she was just so starey and was sitting close to me so her eyes were hard to avoid, not good.

I find it extremely hard to make eye contact with most people, it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable - apart from a couple of my friends and my family. Usually, I look down at the floor, anywhere below the eyes on a face or to the side of the person's face, and even with my friends the eye contact isn't excellent...

So this goes all the way from one side where the eyes are just marbles and who cares if they're looked at or not because there is no information there ------------ all the way to staring at the eyes makes one feel sucked into them like they're losing balance and falling in.


And 3 votes for the act of looking from one eye to the other and only being able to focus on one eye at time.

When I lock into both and stare at the eyes I feel that imbalance, lose the thoughts I had and feel like I'm falling in or off balance. BUT looking at one eye at a time is more along the lines of the "marbles" - as in look at each object. An eye, a nose, a mouth, an eyebrow, another eye, etc. Just parts.

Are there any NTs here that can add what do YOU see or feel when you maintain eye contact with another NT? Do you look at both eyes at once? Do you get unspoken cues and messages (that you like?) from eyes? Do you feel like you're losing your balance or falling into them if you hold the gaze for long?

Aspies are said to be more in tuned with the animal mind and animal brain, and in the animal world holding steady eye contact is quite aggressive and threatening. I believe that's why some have mentioned that they're able to do it when they're angry (I am too) - full force. I wonder how it came to be that humans consider it a good thing to hold that steady gaze and make it NOT aggressive.

I used to have problems making eye contact when i was younger but nowadays im fine with it.

What changed?

I've never really noticed that much before, until a few months ago, but I hate making eye-contact. I always look just below the eyes, around the mouth and nose. My peripheral vision captures people's eyes.

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I hate eye contact. Sometimes I have to make it almost like a marker to confirm what is being said, but usually I look down or focus in the distance. People usually tend to think I am not listening to them or that I am being snobby and that I'm bored but that is so far from the truth. I listen and understand better when I am not looking someone straight in the eye. Letting my eyes wander around relaxes me and opens my mind I think, I focus much better that way. Sometimes when I make eye contact it's like a shock to me and my head starts shaking and it's very embarrassing. Like others, I have no idea how to do eye contact..do you stare at one eye or switch? I find myself staring into one eye mostly. I think people would be surprised to know how much I love to listen to others talk, I find humans so fascinating.

In middle school I had one teacher who really went out of his way to encourage me. I think about him almost everyday and what he did for me. He would pull me aside after class and talk to me about what a good student I am, and tell me I am a special person and he treated me like I was worth something. I remember one conversation we had about eye contact and he tried to encourage me to make eye contact and he told me I need to have more confidence in myself. He also got onto people who would pick on me all the time. Out of all the teachers I've ever had, which is quite a lot, he's the only one that has EVER made an effort to get to know me and encourage me. He truly made a difference in my life. He made me feel like I had something to offer the world. Sadly, he switched to another school and I never got to tell him how much he meant to me, he probably has no idea. I hope someday I am able to find him again and tell him how much he helped me and how special is. It's a shame more teachers and professors aren't like this, none of them seem to care anymore about students. I want to be that person for someone, I want to be there for a child to make a difference in their life.

criss, I saw where you said you are a counselor, that gives me encouragement. I am working on a degree in counseling presently but have been discouraged by numerous people to not pursue it bc they feel I don't have what it takes and that I won't be an effective counselor. I have a hard time being open about myself and talking about myself in the role playing classes where one is a client, the other the counselor, and mostly I keep to myself and am very quiet. I feel ashamed bc everyone must think I am uninterested and not taking it seriously, but that is so far from the truth. I really love what I am doing and in the role of the counselor I feel great. I love listening to people and I have a genuine desire and need to help people. I was wondering if you experienced any of these problems or any other problems when you were working on your degree?

when i trust someone, i like eye contact, but i don't feel like i need it unless i am trying to get something i think is important across. then i feel like i need to make eye contact because in my mind, if the person i am talking to is not looking me in the eye, then they are not really listening to me.
i get alot of people thinking i am interested in them when i am not, because i make eye contact with everyone. i have a thing for eyes, human or otherwise, and i love to stare at all the different swirls and flecks of colour that can found in a person's eyes. so i tend to get in trouble with some people...

yet for all my love and interest in eyes, i have problems focusing on both eyes at the same time, too. i constantly flick my eyes back and forth between left eye and right, but you know what i have noticed? other people do it, too. the flicking back and forth between both eyes, i mean. even my friends who are NT do it sometimes, especially when they think i am lying to them or if they are lying to me. i am not sure why... it would be interesting to find out, though.

on a side note... i always find it amusing that people insist that when someone is lying, they won't make eye contact. studies have shown that it is actually the opposite: when someone is lying, they are more strict about making eye contact, precisely because everyone believes liars don't make eye contact. a person who is lying reasons that if they make more eye contact, then no one will suspect them of lying. always thought that was funny.

My NT boyfriend says you're supposed to alternate between eyes, or if you're being really serious stare at only one eye. He says it looks creepy if you stare between the eyes, which is what I normally do so I'm glad I know that now...

When I try to look into people's eyes, I get scared. Tried doing it for a long time once to put my finger on why, but the only thought going through my brain was "STOP! NOW! HURT!" Which is silly, because of course it didn't hurt. It's just incredibly scary and I feel like a deer in headlights.

When I cycle to University, whenever I pass someone coming towards me, I either try to ignore them completely by looking at something next to their eye line in the distance or what will happen is that lately, my eyes have started to kind of well up which kind of blurs them completely and then I can look at them.

It doesn't help that I have double vision, in the sense that I can only use one eye to 'look through' at a time. (think closing alternate eyes when putting your thumb out in front of you, i don't get two images formed, i can just consciously select which eye to look through).