Accepting Asperger's Syndrome

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is it that you have become 'more autistic" or is it possibly that you have a far greater awareness of THE SPECIFICS of how your AS manifests in a detailed way, in your day to day life?

Before my dx I was considered weird by a lot of people. I had no idea the extent to which I was considered strange.
Then I was dx'ed and I became aware of the specific manifestation of AS in my daily life and that knowledge was both burdensome and enlightening. I had known about all my traits as I had lived with them, but I had no idea I was so VERY different from others in terms of my mental processing and the way I viewed the world and people in it. I also thought the gulf I felt between me and others was bridgeable if I just tried harder and harder. Realising this is perhaps not the case - the glass screen is not a consequence of some kind of environmental trauma but is a consequence of my neurology - has been very hard to process. It involved a lot of grief and despair, which sometimes gets me down.

Two years since self dx and a year on since formal dx and I am finding that I am starting to find some acceptance around all of it.

Thanks for a great post and a great thread. You highlight and articulate the issues you face so well, and I relate to your process.

good luck on the journey.


My personal view is a clear knowledge of the specifics of our ASD presentation can be the key to less struggle in the long run and more meaningful and productive and suitable ways of living our lives.

I relate a lot as well.

Im still full of despair about it though 2 years on from diagnosis. I wish I had never found out about AS now Im just so self consious and embarrassed of myself. Im much more social phobic now and anxious about doing and saying the wrong thing.

Before I knew about AS I always lined things up and flapped and I even thought my echolalia was reflective listening lol and I look back and feel so embarrassed about what people must have thought of me, and how many people knew I had AS and didnt tell me.

I was hopeful before I knew about AS and thought if I read enough self help books and had enough therapy then I would be normal, I tried harder and harder to make friends and thought if I just learned the right tricks it would be ok. But now I feel more hopeless that I will always be rubbish and not any good at friendships or relationships or work. Ive become so socially phobic now that I have no friends or boyfriend and cant talk on the phone or email let alone work.

I can relate to this. I left university due to depression/social anxiety and eventually went back 2 years later after being treated. I was talking to people more and managed to make friends! I was so full of hope that university wouldn't be like school, but as time went on it became obvious that something wasn't "right" - my friends all seemed to progress in their friendships while I was left behind and I relaised I just didn't "get" people. This lead me to discover AS and eventually my diagnosis.

After being diagnosed I kind of regressed back into my social phobia, although I am no where near as bad as I was before. I withdrew from my "normal" friends and basically spend most of my time on my computer. I still have friends from school though (depsite being lonely most of the time i made friends towards the end), one of whom is getting diagnosed for AS and the other is obviously AS but doesn't realise it yet.

I think you're exactly right, that I am probably just more aware of my traits.

I find I get especially nervous around "authority" figures, like my manager, because I am afraid I will "slip" and she will discover something is "wrong" with me. Of course, it's a viscous cycle because the more nervous I become, the harder it is to appear "normal". This problem would probably be solved if I came clean about my disability, but I was afraid of admitting it on the application in case they didn't hire me because of it, and now I don't want to tell them in case I get into trouble for leaving it out on the application.

I think telling people would make me feel "free" to act more like myself, although to be honest i don't think I'd behave much differently than i am now, I'd just feel more relaxed..

I've accepted my AS, at the age of 19, when I've read an article about an 18 year old boy who has it, in my local newspaper.

trying to go through college without knowing I had this was a disaster for me. I wish I had known, I'd have dropped out and lived at home and just attended classes. I really thought I was capable of doing the social stuff and I failed miserably at it, became alcoholic and self-harming, blah, blah, blah.

It's hard to adjust my thinking even still I will try things like facebook and have it being negative and unfun and then I get reminded once again that I just suck at stuff like that. I think the academic part is absolutely necessary to your life, getting a degree in a field you like but the other stuff is a complete waste of energy, especially for someone on the spectrum and just an energy drain.

That's understandable. Getting out is tough but keep it up. Keep coming back though.

Yes, I have had phases of that since being diagnosed, too. In a sense, it's become even harder to socialise as an inner voice tells us words like : "We have AS, so are bound to mess it up somehow". And I start wondering what communication I'm missing out on, whether anybody has noticed I'm behaving oddly due to AS etc etc.

I'm very secretive about AS. Almost in denial, to be fair. Only ever told 3 or 4 people about it. Sometimes I think I should be more open about it as those who are OK with it are going to still be OK with it. And those who aren't OK with it can take a running jump and I don't have to bother a single brain cell worrying about them But I fear rejection so much, I just keep it all to myself.



I hope it isn't always like that you for you. Maybe it goes through phases and what you're describing happens when at a low energy ebb. Mid winter is always a time when I feel most alienated and I have noticed that over a few weeks I can range from *knowing* that I am the most unpopular person who ever walked Earth, to actually feeling good about a social situation. I'm basically saying I have felt like you describe, yet somehow things have changed, maybe all part of natural cycles.

It may be worth deliberately cutting out the self-help books. They can become a compulsion (I sometimes say I'm a 'recovering self-helpaholic - only half joking). Sure, some are good, but most aren't and hardly any will apply to your specific situation - if one had ever 'worked', you wouldn't need another one ever again! I think self-help books and even therapy can have a negative effect on those with AS, maybe NT's too, as among other things, they cause us to absorb yet more ideas of how we"should" be, and lists of yet more things where we aren't matching the norm. They add to our list of problems to solve, behaviours to address, rather than reducing our problems. How you 'should' be is inside you all along, not in a book written by someone with a totally different life experience.

your completely right about the self help books, and aswell I think because they are writen for NTs by NTs we are no doubt not going to be able to live up to their standards or neccersarily have the neurobiological capabilities needed.

little tigger said this to me and I found it really helpful


Im now going to try and accept that I will always be rubbish and disapoint people and that is ok and does not mean I dont have a right to live.

And many are written by charlatans who don't want to do a proper job.



Yes, I like what J0sh said above, too. Particularly about not comparing yourself with others. This is so hard to do though, as the mind works mainly by comparing. Well, my mind seems to, at least I have found that I do seem to feel more content and function better after spells when I've kept up a meditation practice. Perhaps because this does bring some respite from the never ending judgement of the mind. It is hard, hard effort though and lapses are the norm.


You won't *always* be rubbish! Maybe when you let go of trying to be 'other' than you are, you may feel a lot better and even get better response from other people. This has helped me in the past. Don't forget if doing this does help you, come back and remind me as I'm always forgetting to do this myself!

I dont think I shall ever forgive myself for being me.

Well, I for one think you're absolutely lovely just the way you are!

There were times in my life where I wished I never found out I had it and I used to think "Damn it, why did mom have to tell me?" Knowing I had it meant I knew things about myself I had to work on and I felt I was better off not knowing or else I wouldn't have known what my struggles are. It just meant great more things wrong with me and finding out what I do isn't normal.

I don't tell people I have it because I don't think they need to know even though I have felt at times I just wanted to blurt it out so I be understood better. When I worked full time, my office clerk thought I didn't use my common sense because I couldn't understand vague requests and connect the dots and read between the lines. He kept telling me I should know these things because I had been there a while. I also remember the personal space issue I had when I worked in Montana and I was getting massive complaints. I could never understand why I was being targeted so I figured maybe they just like complaining about housekeepers but no other room attendants weren't getting complaints so I figured maybe they like to complain about people who pick up the dirty linen. Then I went onto thinking they must know I'm different or else they wouldn't be picking on me. Then Mom told me it was the personal space issue I'm having and I don't have a sign on me saying I have AS and I don't know when I am in their personal space. I kept being accused of rude behavior at work.

that is so true. I remember once being so naive as to think that self-help books are written by people who actually want to help people. Some are, but it is definitely a business and a job. Some of the ways the 'guru's' behave on facebook, so blatantly selling themselves as a freaking messiah or something, really turn me off and that's when I realized they are about marketing. They need to make a living.

but you dont know me! If you knew me you would get annoyed and quickly tired of me just like everyone else.

Yes, it is a bit of a shock when although you suspect something is different, you find out it is real, well, that is a big deal.

Yes, I got more autistic for a while but now I know where my missing bits are I am learning to find ways round them and some have improved. I hate handshakes but the other night I managed to touch the edge of a few peoples hands in church when you have to give a sign of peace. I don't like it, but I managed, next time, I will take my handshake gloves though