Why do people seem to have issues with people not hating

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I think the points made about getting obsessed with being cured or 'fixed' to the detriment of the rest of life are really good ones.

I've had that problem with many doctors. They want to "cure" me (for a non-autism condition), which means spending my limited money, which reduces what I could otherwise do, and wasting my time, energy, motivation. etc. Just completely missing the bigger picture -- that there is a point of diminishing returns to chasing a cure -- at some point you need to live life or you're going to miss way too much of it. And when I start telling them I just want to manage what I've got on my plate... unfortunately things have gotten weird.

A bit OT, but there's something about doctors and "cures." It does seem that to many, acceptance of disability is failure; a tragic outcome. That they must have in their head some Benneton-like TV ad, with happy shiny, non-disabled people dancing in a circles in green fields in slow-motion. I have to wonder if it's not just some parents being overzealous, but that the medical system itself (through that mindset) that can heavily encourage desperate/crazy cure-seeking.

/rant

I think there are lots of issues that get oversimplified by people on both sides of the various debates.

For instance there is a huge difference between hating parents, and being bothered by power structures that privilege parents over autistics when it comes to autism organizations and other issues. Autistics who fight that problem are fighting the sane battle parents fought when professionals controlled all the organizations.

Unfortunately there are people on both sides who can't tell the difference. Some see the power structures and are angered by them, and go on to hate parents. Some see the autistics fighting those power structures and accuse them wrongly of hating parents. Some see parents who can't tell the difference, hear the parents saying that all these autistics hate parents, and are thus primed to see "parent hating" in autistics who fight the power structures without hating parents.

Many of the big "charities" for all kinds of conditions operate using questionable ethics, give very little power to actual disabled people, use all their efforts on things of little direct benefit to the disabled people they supposedly serve, and contribute (often through fundraising tactics) to some of the most damaging prejudices about disabled people. These things are not trivial and can even be a matter of life and death (for instance Autism Speaks did a fundraising video that has been used in the defense of a woman who murdered her little happy autistic daughter. Sometimes there are good intentions and sometimes not but you know what they say about the road to hell.

Some people look into the issues and decide if they support these charities or not. Some people have a knee-jerk reaction to one or more issues and decide they're utterly evil. Some people assume charities are good in general. Some people see the knee-jerk reactions and assume that there are no substantial problems people have with them. And some people assume others well thought out opinions on either side are knee-jerk reactions and have a knee-jerk reaction in the opposite direction.

The topic of cure is not meaningless just because there isn't one. although I have heard people on all sides assume this. Many people want cures to things where no current cure exists for all kinds of reasons and people rarely tell them it's a moot point so they shouldn't want one.

The quest for a cure can have a very intense impact on autistic people's lives.

Those of us diagnosed before the age of 18 (or whatever the age of majority where people live) have often been given all kinds of questionable or dangerous or even torturous treatments in the hopes they would cure us.

I was told in my teens that if no cure was found I would be in an institution for the rest of my life. There were two sets of people in my life: People who believed I was hopeless and people who had hope. I had completely burned out my ability to appear to function in a way that even sort of resembled nonautistic people. I knew this better than anyone. The only hope anyone offered me was that this would end and I would be cured and I wouldn't need extra support and all would be wonderful. Nobody told me there were third or fourth or fifth options. I attempted suicide several times. I am now living that third option that nobody told me about.

The quest for a cure can also mean that huge amounts of money are poured into finding one (that may never exist) instead of into helping autistics in the here and now. This is a major issue for many different kinds of disabled people. Money that could be used for assistive technology research, research into our best methods of learning, etc., can end up being spent on something that may never benefit anyone.

Again there are people who look into the issues, there are knee-jerk reactions, knee-jetk reactions to the knee-jerk reactions, and the mistaking of well thought out ideas for knee-jerk reactions.

If there is one thing these issues aren't, it's simple or caricatured. All kinds of disability communities have struggled with all of them. None of them are even new.

#4. There are people who don't really care enough to hate it. (It's too much effort to hate something. I'm lazy.)

Point is,it should be accepted that there are people who don't hate it and dont see it as a disorder to be fixed in them

As long as you accept the people that hate having it and want to be cured.
Or me, who hates it one week, loves it the next. Arrgh! <--- that's me getting annoyed at myself.

Bottom line is there isn't a cure for this and we just have to learn to accept who we are. One thing we all can do is better ourselves to seem more "normal" if you think you're not considered it.

I'm not considered normal but also not really capable of seeming more normal. Fortunately I also don't confuse seeming more normal with bettering myself.

I went through the process of hating who I was and what I couldn't do and then finally getting comfortable with it before I had ever heard the word Asperger's. I guess I have already "failed" at life and the world didn't collapse and I'm OK with the simple comforts of life that are available to anyone who wants to pay attention. I also have had plenty of time to observe those who have what I don't and to know that I'm not built to handle the kind of stress those things require.

Agreed with all you said.

I guess that in today's society, you're supposed to hate people and especially if they're not like you. Something that I'd never do to anybody.

Hmm...I can see both sides. On one hand I grew up knowing I was different. On onew hand I have a high iq on the other hand I haven't translated that into success. Although over the past ten years, year by year I've been able to say I'm doing better than I ever have. - just am not moving as quickly as my peers have. I struggle socially. I have to remind myself how to have conversations. I used to be really shy...not shy now, but social skills I really have to force myself to practice. In my twenties I could loosen up by drinking...but quit because I was expecting. My X was/is quirky as well, so we fit in with each other for a long time. After we divorced...I just slowly started trying to build a life with my daughter. I make myself go practice being with people outside of work. Its sometimes difficult because sometimes I feel most satisfied when I'm alone, with hours ahead and nothing but a good book, or some uninterrupted computer time...or a solitary walk. Lol. I like being with myself and my thoughts.

When my daughter struggled through the years and that finally led to diagnosis, I started thinking about why I'm different and saw a Dr who diagnosed me with ADD. My brother has been diagnosed as an adult with adhd. Now my sister also takes the same meds I do. I can see how my Dad has always had sensory issues and outbursts and is dangerously clumsy (he works construction). Its been interesting.

I guess though, as I love being by myself, my awkwardness doesn't bother me. But I see my daughter struggle with wanting friends but always alienating them...and then I see a real disorder problem. Other people see her struggle as well...she's not comfortable with always losing the friends she maKes, but always does. Then I see it as a problem/disorder because her outbursts and awkwardness prevent (right now) her having the life she wants.

I can tell that having a diagnosis has helped make her more aware.

I guess that's my 5 cents. If you are satisfied, successfully and happy in your life in your way, you are not having a problem, but if your deficits prevent you having the life you want, there's a problem. Sorry so long.

Well, I do remember having many brushes with some very shallow people before. I remember when I was in Biology (when I was still in school) and we were having a discussion about genetic engineering. My group unanimously agreed that it was a good and bad thing, but we couldn't completely agree on what exactly made it good or bad. Some class members were outright social darwinists and some were against everything that wasn't completely organic and so on. One person suggested that it was a good thing because we could find genes related to certain disabilities and fix them. I disagreed with that and I explained the deaf community and the autism community (with more emphasis of the deaf community because I thought more people would understand this better). One girl was very offended y what I said and she responded (and I quote): "Why would anybody refuse a cure for deafness? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard". Her friend tried to explain that it wasn't stupid and that these concerns were legitimate.

I also met a few people (via the internet and in my day to day life) who have outright denied my diagnosis on the basis that I am comfortable with sharing my experiences and don't feel the need to talk in whispers about it (or feel the need to conceal it). In fact, I'm either quite balanced or somewhat positive when I talk about my AS. Hell, when I talk about my history of anxiety, I'm usually straight forward and vocal about it. While I do identify the debilitating tings about my disposition, I don't crumble into hysterical cries about how "I just wanna be normal".

A lot of these people have responded with something of to the effect of

"Y'know, most people don't TALK about their mental issues and they certainly aren't positive about it (unless they are talking about recovery). I'm inclined to not believe you and I assume that you're lying. Now I will explode into a rampage of other assumptions about you even though I literally only know the very little snippet of information that you have shared about yourself. I will now be arrogant and assume you were misdiagnosed and that I know more than your doctor, your therapists, your family, friends, educators, peers, etc just from that slither of information and not from personal experience and even though I am not a qualified psychiatrist. This is all because you're not ashamed/don't hate having AS and that goes against my expectations of how people should deal with their mental disorders".

Obviously it's more snappy than that.

On the other hand, I shouldn't assume that people are self loathing just because they resent their AS. It's not my place to judge them. If "fighting aspergers" works for them and they are genuinely happy, then good for them, but I'm not into the whole "fghting" scene. It doesn't feel natural. I'm more of a "get on with it" and "use every part of the buffalo" person.

I'm espicallyhappy with the not caring what thers are doing aspact

I hate that I didn't figure it out sooner, I would have done some things differently.

I wouldn't want to be cured of who I am though, and am of the "assist and enable those who need special considerations to overcome what difficulties they may have and want to be rid of" rather than "cure" broadly.

I don't have an issue with autismspeaks because of the cure/anti-cure or whatever, I have an issue because the name is a lie, it should be families-of-those-with-autism-speak.org or something, as I've never seen an autistic person actually speaking for themself in any of their commercials/events/videos.


My cat can't open the back door, he needs special consideration when he needs to go use the restroom, and with his communication limitations. Should I cure him of not having thumbs and bipedal gait so he can open it himself? Wouldn't that be curing him of being a cat?


I know there are many who have far more impairing effects from autism than I do. If they wish to be "fixed" or "cured", that is their choice, but until there is such an option available, it seems to me that helping them with the problems we can fix now will do more than hoping we can broadly cure autism in general some day.

I recognize that I have limitations at social interaction, so I overcome it where it bothers me, and don't worry about what I can't fix/don't care about.

If was forced to choose between applying something as vague as a blanket cure to everyone on the spectrum in the world, or be able to help everyone with autism communicate what they want others to know, and simply live comfortably... I'd choose the latter.

Homosexuality used to be in a psychiatric manual. They removed it when they realised it doesn't actually cause people distress, but that it's actually other people who cause it by making fun or rejecting them. Sound familiar?