Newbie needs advice about marriage to NT

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I moved out last fall and I'm calmer and less stressed than I've been in years. Still dealing with a lot of depression but that's pretty much SOP for me. My ex and I now get along better than we ever did while living together, talk nearly every day and still occasionally do things together. We're both much nicer people when living across town from each other. It would sound crazy to most people, but I know Aspies will understand when I suggest that you might consider finding a duplex, so you can have your own space.

I think there would at least not be the presumption that the other person is selfish and uncaring. It would definitely depend on the two individuals involved, but at least there would be that, no matter what other challenges there are. One of the things that bothers me the most is being characterized that way when it's not a deficit in caring, it's a difficulty acting on it in the way that an NT would.

~Kate

My husband understands me and he has lot of patience so he is able to put up with me.

From my reading it sounds as if he see's this as your diagnosis, your problem and you need to make the changes.

Unfortunatly that is not going to work for your progress, his or ANY marriage for that matter. A marraige is all about give and take just because you have a diagnosis doesn't not mean that you alone have to make changes. In any marriage we have to play to each others strengths and weekeness, and be willing to pick up the slack even if that is not our field so to speak!

However any hurt or disconnect that was formed prior to a digagnosis will not just disapear with a diagnosis. My best analogy is if you go to the denist with a sore tooth...Denisit tells you its a cavity, you can not just walk out feeling better just becuase you know what is cuasing the pain, the pain will persist and will get worse. You have to take steps to fix the problem and work on preventing the problem from reoccuring.

If he is so hurt from the past and shut off, that he is unable or unwilling to go to consuling and be a part of the solution along side you...then it may be best to part ways and cope with it on your own and most importantly with your children. Just becuase he is shut off to you, does not mean you can not fix any hurt or distance with your children.

From an NT married to a Aspie for 5 years and together for 10, alot of walls have been built, lines have been crossed and feeling have been hurt on both sides. WE have ALOT of work to do, but have both decided that we would not want to forfit what we have and start over with strangers...I guess we would both be happier being miserable together

We give each other alot of space...To the point that people often think that we are weird. We eat in different rooms, Currently with the boys being so young, noisy, and un predictable we sleep in seperate rooms, but we make time for each other and ourselves but it is not happening over night.

hope that makes some kind of sense...good luck on your path whatever it may be.

My husband and I went to relationship counselling and do you want to know the first and the best thing both of us learned. It's that neither of us are mind readers and we both have different needs.

I'm suprised that your husband expected you to mind read whether or not he wanted a cake after telling you he didn't.. That's just unfair.. He either wasn't listening in your counselling sessions or your therapist sucked.

I would try to get him to go to counselling with you again.. Marriage isn't easy but I do believe that it's worth fighting for. As the above poster said marriage is a two way street.. These aren't just your problems they are both of your problems

Goodluck!

P.S. Have been married 13 years and at a couple of points in our marriage divorce seemed like the only solution except it wasn't and we have managed to weather a few storms.

"Marriage isn't easy but I do believe that it's worth fighting for. As the above poster said marriage is a two way street.. These aren't just your problems they are both of your problems "

That's what I can't get my husband to understand. He thinks that because I'm the one whose "problem" caused a lot of our difficulties, it's totally up to me to fix them.

~Kate

How about this as a perspective: in your first post, you said you do pretty well outside the home because your mother crammed appropriate social behaviors into your head. Could your husband be exhausted from 16 years of you not being able to learn to be emotional and capable with him?

I am dating a man with AS (for a year and a half). Let me tell you-- the frustration gets unbearable some days. To me, it sounds like you need to bite the bullet and put forth some SERIOUS effort. Even if the result isn't perfect, seeing a ton of effort put into the relationship makes a huge difference to a partner. If your answer is always "I can't," then you give him absolutely nothing to work with and no end to his frustration. If you tried to do things differently, it could make a world of difference.

Just my 2 cents....

I don't know the specifics of your situation so I can only speak in generalities. But there is only so much a spouse can do to help. At some point, the person with the issue needs to take responsibilty for who they are and the issues they have and do what they can to make things better.

I think the other poster might be right. Your husband might just be out of gas. If he sees serious effort and a will to try and change then he won't feel as though he is the only one trying to make things better.

Problem is, I *do* try. I've *been* trying. I am about the LAST person to say "I can't" without even trying first. (BTW, I'm not the OP, just someone in a similar situation). However, I also have the ability to do fairly well outside the home. I don't think you understand, though, that for an Aspie, it is HARD WORK to "be normal". To be expected to do that 24/7/365 is a daunting task. Many people can't do it for the time it takes to go to school or work. I can, but I cannot keep it up all the time, any more than even the best athlete can run full speed all day, every day except when he's eating or sleeping. Still, I try, and I have tried for over 25 years. I used to have meltdowns; I found a way that works to control them so I haven't had any in 17 years or so. I had my ADHD treated, so I do a bit better with remembering to do things. It's not like I've done nothing.

What really gets to me is that although there wasn't a name for it 25 years ago, my husband KNEW who I was. I thought he accepted me. I feel baited and switched.

~Kate

Oops, my bad. I thought you were the original poster

Nobody can keep anything up 24/7. And if my post came across as saying that no one is trying, that's not what I meant. I guess my point is to feel some compassion for him as well. He probably does accept how you are-- just doesn't make it any easier for him. Spend some time letting him know that you understand how HE feels, instead of just trying to explain how you feel or worry about how you feel. Let him know that you know its a challenge for him, as much as he has (in the past) been accepting of it all being a challenge for you.

A previous poster said its a two-way street. It doesn't just work that way for your short comings. He has some too-- and you need to be supportive and accepting of those. You want him to accept you the way you are, but seem unwilling to accept the way he is. He has been willing to give up some of the things he really wanted, because it was so difficult for you. Perhaps after all these years, its time to focus on giving him those things while he is experiencing something that is very difficult for him.

No biggie. Our situations are so similar that it's easy to confuse them.



Because I know what it's like to be insulted, berated, and rejected for my shortcomings, I *do* accept his. He's got ADHD and there are things *he* does that aren't perfect either. But I am not the one demanding *he* change, except that he not make unreasonable demands on me (which he didn't do in the beginning of our relationship).

Believe me, I do know it's a challenge for him. I'm not always the best at expressing myself. I'm still disorganized. I still forget things. I do have sensory issues. I do tend to stick my head in a book or a computer and tune the world out. Thing is, while it didn't have a name 25 years ago, I sure as heck was this way then...if it was such a hardship for him, why stay with someone who "needs to change" and then expect it?

What are the things that frustrate you the most? I'm curious, because they may lend some insight into my husband's situation.

~Kate

That's something I've often wondered about when I hear of NTs complaining about their Aspie partners. Some of them say that the Aspie really was easier to reach in the old days, which made me wonder how that could happen......in my own case, with some of my partners, I've initially felt a terrific rush of positivity and energy that has made me temporarily capable of almost superhuman achievements for them, seemingly without any great effort. But as time wore on, I lost it and reverted to type. It's difficult for me to know what happened in terms of Aspie traits because all the relationships I've started were during my pre-diagnosis days when I didn't even know what AS was, but I was definitely aware of greatly improved abilities that made me think I had somehow finally disproved all my nagging fears of being nothing but an introverted nerd who just couldn't cope socially. A new partner would always be a kind of special interest, until the partner's darker side became apparent (my perfectionism?), then after a few disagreements things were just never the same and I couldn't muster up the required enthusiasm any more. I can see how some of my partners might have felt conned, though it was never my intention to trick anybody.

I'm not saying that explanation applies to anybody posting here, just that I think that it can happen in some cases, even with the best intentions in the world, and that the mere fact of having Aspergers syndrome doesn't automatically mean that the behaviour towards a partner is completely uniform.

I guess I don't really know your relationship (duh, lol), but let me give you a situation or 2 from my relationship and what I think about when I read your posts.

My bf is TERRIBLE at expressing any kind of emotion. It's really hard for me to be in an emotional state (irrational) and rationally tell him what I need from him at that moment. It's something I have accepted and do. Somedays, that's REALLY hard. We also have an agreement that I actually get days where I can express my frustration and he doesn't take it personally. I love him the way he is, but it doesn't mean it doesn't get to be too much to handle some days. I had that day on Sunday. I explained my frustrations and my feelings, he listened and held me. I am very aware he can't change it, but it means a TON to listen to me and act compassionate. I tell him what I really want to hear (that I am beautiful and that he loves being with me) and he reassures me that he thinks and feels those things, but sucks at showing it.

He forgets everything. We have put a ton of reminders in his phone to help him remember. He forgets to tell me plans, so now he gave me his password so I can just check his email. We try to find work arounds.

If your husband is insulting and berating, there is a much bigger issue. He is allowed to be frustrated without being verbally abusive. I guess my point is that validating his feelings outloud may do a lot. Letting him know that you understand his frustrations and want to give him everything (but are unable at this time) may truly help a lot. I know that for me, when my bf acknowledges my frustrations and appreciates my patience, everything is better for a while. Then, on another bad day, he needs to do it again. I do expect him to get outside of his comfort zone a bit. I have to go out of my comfort zone. We agreed a long time ago that yelling is NOT an option and it will not happen. Neither of us do so anymore.

I am not perfect. Not by a long shot. I acknowledge my short comings as well. I don't know what I am trying to say other than mutual compassion is key. If he is over-the-top frustrated right now, then you need to act with compassion. Someone has to take that first step to healing. Even if you feel that he is in the wrong, he is entitled to that feeling.

As for "Thing is, while it didn't have a name 25 years ago, I sure as heck was this way then...if it was such a hardship for him, why stay with someone who "needs to change" and then expect it?," things pile up. The first time it happens, something may not be frustrating, Sometimes not the 2nd time. Or the 3rd. After it gets frustrating, it can still be OK and acceptable. Everyone reaches a breaking point with frustration. They need to be able to get it out-- and he should be able to voice it and express it to you.

I hope some of this makes sense.

Just wanted to pop back on and say thanks to everyone who posted.

We are going to work at it. Please don't misunderstand my original posts.... I KNOW my husband is frustrated and that he has a right to be. When I wrote this I was near my wits end and on verge of a breakdown. Every time we tried to talk it became an argument and I'd shut down. I couldn't stop crying for days and it was even freaking out the kids.

We've done a lot of talking in the last few days. I can imagine it's hard to calm down when you're an NT facing frustration at every corner. The talking was painful, but necessary. I know I need to change some things and I am working hard on doing that. Like Kate said, it's hard 24/7/365. I think I've finally gotten him to understand that there are things he can do to help me versus hindering. (like talking calmly, not taking things personally, not expecting a "miracle" cure) and he's finally gotten me to understand that it's not just little quirks but big life changing actions that are causing his frustration.

For me, the one thing I'm going to focus on is not spending so much energy on "outside" people (ie, acquaintances) and trying to appear normal for them. I'm not going to worry so much about not having close friends or if people think something I say is weird. I hope this will give me more energy to focus on things at home. I'm lucky in this regard that I'm a SAHM and don't have to deal with a job or school which I know a lot of people on this board contend with.

This whole AS thing is new to both of us. I give tons of credit to all the NTs who love and put up with us. We don't intend to be difficult and I just think there needs to be give and take on both sides if a relationship is going to work.

I am glad you are talking and working on things. It's hard, but definitely worth it.

To this comment: I give tons of credit to all the NTs who love and put up with us

And Those NT's give you all credit for really trying to bridge the communiation gap when it IS so difficult.

I think it is wonderful that you are going to try and work it out. Marriage is hard no matter if you have AS or are NT. I think men and women in general are so different, that no wonder it can be a challenge at times.
Good luck!