Do you accomodate to NT "customs"?

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"Normal NT Custom" this is how it is supposed to go in polite society, any differentiation from this is problematic to the social structure of Management and Subordinate.

X = Hello
Y= Hello
X = How are you?
Y= I am fine, how are you?
X= I am fine, too, lovely day, isn't it?
Y= Yes, lovely day, might get some rain later, though
X = Yes, good for the garden
X = We have been looking over our books, Mr Y, and we can't afford to continue your job assignment, we are going to have to let you go.
Y = well, that is certainly a surprise and a disappointment! However, if that is your decision, I can't argue with you about it.
X = yes, well, I am sure you understand it was a difficult decision for us, very difficult, but these things happen
Y= yes, these things happen.
X= please clean out your desk and the security guard will walk you down to payroll to get your check. Thank you, have a good day
Y= have a good day.

The Belgariad series by David Eddings. The Pawn of Prophecy was the first book.

As for the original question, I find that if I don't comply with the NT social expectations, it usually leads to discord in my day. It takes a lot of energy, however, to restrain myself from my aspie tendencies during conversations. So when I don't feel like I have the energy to sustain more NT-ish interactions, I either keep to myself that day, or I reduce my conversations to smiles, nods, and short unoffensive replies.

Last edited by catherineconns on 09 May 2010, 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Wow. I don't think I could ever carry on my side of the conversation with the customary responses. These "NT customs" don't fit in very well with reality. I guess that is why I aggravate people sometimes.

It depends on the custom. If I'm at a funeral, I will most likely abide by traditions for the duration. But if it's a custom like small talk, probably not as much.

What Not to Say About Someone's Appearance

Don’t say: “You look tired.”
Why: It implies she doesn’t look good.
Instead say: “Is everything OK?” We often blurt the “tired” comment when we get the sense that the other person feels out of sorts. So just ask.

Don’t say: “Wow, you’ve lost a ton of weight!”
Why: To a newly trim person, it might give the impression that she used to look unattractive.
Instead say: “You look fantastic.” And leave it at that. If you’re curious about how she got so svelte, add, “What’s your secret?”

Don’t say: “You look good for your age.”
Why: Anything with a caveat like this is rude. It's saying, "You look great―compared with other old people. It's amazing you have all your own teeth."
Instead say: “You look great.”

Don’t say: “I could never wear that.”
Why: It can be misunderstood as a criticism. (“I could never wear that because it’s so ugly.”)
Instead say: “You look so good in skinny jeans.” If you slip, say something like “I could never wear that…because I wasn’t blessed with your long legs.”

What Not to Say in the Workplace

Don’t say: “That’s not my job.”
Why: If your superior asks you to do something, it is your job.
Instead say: “I’m not sure that should be my priority right now.” Then have a conversation with your boss about your responsibilities.

Don’t say: “This might sound stupid, but…”
Why: Never undermine your ideas by prefacing your remarks with wishy-washy language.
Instead say: What’s on your mind. It reinforces your credibility to present your ideas with confidence.

Don’t say: “I don’t have time to talk to you.”
Why: It’s plain rude, in person or on the phone.
Instead say: “I’m just finishing something up right now. Can I come by when I’m done?” Graciously explain why you can’t talk now, and suggest catching up at an appointed time later. Let phone calls go to voice mail until you can give callers your undivided attention.

I work my arse off trying to follow the line and for what?

Typical example: In a hospital I once left in tears because I basically got told I couldn't possibly be experiencing the type of pain I was describing. I wasn't lying or exagerrating or making up some crazy condition - I had a really intense kind of pain which was keeping me from functioning properly it was so bad. I didn't claim to know what had caused it or why it was happening or how to cure it - I just knew that I had this really bad and persistent pain that hadn't gone away for 24hrs. I went in and did the indefinite waiting and controlled my autistic 2yr old while I was at it, and in return I got told I was talking rubbish.

Then while still in pain, and having been humiliated by the so-called-professionals, I was expected to make small-talk with the nurse taking my bloods. I was so upset I remember saying in the end something like "look can we just leave the small talk please and just take the blood?" and despite saying it in a polite manner, the nurse looked at me like a ret*d then wrote in my hospital notes that I was hostile and rude.

I am still so upset about that incident and it was 2yrs ago now. I'm sick to death of walking around on eggshells having all these conversations I don't want to have with people who play no real part in my life - in return for absolutely no consideration for my sensory problems at all. I don't care where my hairdresser went on holiday or why the new waiting room is going to be painted dandilion-petal; I want my hair cut and my waiting time minimal.

I try my best but I'm not really sure why I bother. Maybe it's different if you're diagnosed and have more considerate people in your life. I'm not diagnosed, apparently I'm just "hostile and rude". That'll go along with the "gifted but lazy" I was at school then.

Well, since you're singling me out for some odd reason:

Of course not. That's not what I said or even implied. Generally speaking, non-autistics do not have any idea that we are on the autistic spectrum or what Asperger's Syndrome is. I think I went out of my way to preface this with "The NTs that spend time with us...", didn't I? <checks> Yes, I did. This is not the General Public. This is to answer the OP about NT customs and successful socialization. To show that NTs that want to be around us DO make accommodations and it isn't a one-way street.


Whoa! Dude, seriously, you've been hanging out with totally the wrong crowd of NTs... Consider this: Most of our parents are NTs. Would you talk about your mother like that? Someone else's mother? This seems odd from you because your advice is often good if delivered harshly. Sometimes you even say things that really do need to be said to some people. But for all that, I didn't think you were one to engage in this "NTs are teh Bad Guyz" nonsense.


A valid conclusion about friends, I agree! However the premise -- that is honestly your life outlook? NTs are out to get you? I haven't seen this sort of behavior on the part of NTs since high school. Although this might be true if you spend your time hanging around people that are still strutting around mourning their lost Glory Days and counting coup. Seriously, man, what's your story with your NT exposure? I mean, I'm not here to invalidate your life experiences but this isn't my experience with neurotypical adults at all and I've been AS since before there even was an AS. So what's the story? You're fine to PM me if you don't want to go public.


You're missing that they can be people who have escaped a strong religious upbringing who feel God (or another higher power) is watching them even in solitude. Also consider: Being "100% myself" when I am alone would mean eyeballing women through binoculars in the neighboring condos. If I don't do that, it doesn't mean I am not on the spectrum. It means I may have developed some kind of rudimentary moral center/superego/conscience.

I believe that the autism spectrum is a set of disorders. It is clinically deviant from the statistical norm. The only way to survive in this world, and not get called a jerk while doing it, is to learn some basic manners, small talk, etc. You're not a sell out for doing it. Personally, I don't get the current cultural fascination with being "an individual" and "being different."

These days, I don't make a conscious effort to fit in, I just do what comes naturally to me. If NTs don't like it, then they can p***s off, no one's forcing them to talk to me.

Customs service topic

I accommodate when I shop at Walmart. I am just another customer.

I will agree manners and politeness are very important. But, I can't see the purpose of painting over the realities of life with a fake picture of perfection.

I find your comment quite insulting that autistic people have "a cultural fascination with being an individual and being different" because we are unable to conform to NT expectations. We are not some kind of fad, we are actually different from NT people. My giving honest responses does not cause me to be a disruptive individual., it only shows that I am not typical.

I've been getting better with learning NT customs, but I really only put effort into imitating and following the rules when I'm either being introduced to someone new, or I need to talk to a stranger.
And I can't keep this up for more than a couple hours... it's very draining

I've made some concessions to fit in with the NT world, but I've never felt good about it, even when the results have appeared good. As the OP said, I just feel that my dignity has been taken away.......indeed all I've done is to wear a disguise and to pay lip service to customs and procedures that are meaningless or downright odious to me, and frankly it hurts. I see it as caving in to unreasonable demands.

Maybe it'd be different if people didn't apply pressure to conform to these things......e.g. I "had to" go to a huge wedding and I hated it, I was just wishing my life away for hours. I was there because my wife had nagged me - "you are my husband, it's your place to be there..." (frankly I don't think the bride and groom even noticed I was there). I even let her choose my clothes for me. Some people would do well to realise that just because I don't have meltdowns doesn't mean that don't feel any stress or pain....I'm very smooth and calm on the outside and nobody thinks anything's wrong. If only there'd been no pressure to go in the first place, maybe I'd not have felt so coerced......I might have decided that it was worth a try, and if I'd made that decision for myself, without the nagging and gulit-tripping, maybe I'd have felt a little more relaxed and not had such a crappy time of it.

But mostly I don't bother with NT stuff that I don't have any sympathy with. My ideal is to surround myself with the kind of people who just wouldn't want to put me in a place that hurt me. I wouldn't dream of laying any pressure onto anybody with that kind of thing - if somebody doesn't want to go along with my stuff, sure it might sting a bit, but if I ever do throw a party, I'm not going to resent anybody for not wanting to come along to it. If nobody wants to come along, maybe it was a naff idea in the first place. But looking for that level of enlightenment from the mainstream would seem to be a waste of time. We're probably better off sticking to our convictions and setting up something better with like-minded people. Anybody who doesn't like it can form their own group somewhere else, and good luck to them. I'll stick to the non-judgemental and to those who can keep their paws off my autonomy.

That said, as long as this "disguise" element doesn't come into it - pretending to like stuff I don't like - then I'm more than happy to work hard at forging bonds with anybody. I don't mind spending hours pondering what my friends and associates might be feeling. I don't mind trying to transcend my logical mode in order to make the right response to another person. But that's about discovering and growing, it's about realising that we all have emotions and that we can't get anywhere with friendship unless we can learn to reckon with emotion. There's no need for a sell-out, because I too have these emotions and I actively want to know how they feel and how I feel. I also suspect that an Aspie who has learned a lot about feelings could be a better friend than a NT who just got the standard-issue brain and has given the matter no further thought.

I think that many, if not most of, people with ASDs are capable of learning to follow cultural customs. It's true that a few cannot. But many simply choose not to by choice, in favor of maintaining their subculture. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but I do think it's partially a product of the 21st century.

Why would I accommodate for an NT friend, if she's just going to be nasty to me? If I'm with good people, they accommodate a little for me, by showing interests in things I like, and in return, I accommodate for them, by talking about things that they're interested in.