meaningless social niceties

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I exchange a lot of social niceties with people, though at my age it's probably only to be expected - coping strategies for AS seem to improve beautifully with time if you're lucky enough to avoid being totally ground down by setbacks.

I used to find small talk a lot harder, because to me it all seemed so empty and shallow. But I began to realise that it's rather like money - it's the fact that people believe in it that makes it real and useful, it has no intrinsic value at all, which is why it varies from culture to culture.

So metaphorically, what you're doing when you say "nice weather today, don't you thnk?" isn't so much about the weather, what you're "really" saying is something like "I see you as somebody I might be able to relate to" or "I'm happy to treat you as normal and acceptable" - i.e. reassurance. Just like with computer programming, you need to learn the value of using the correct syntax, and even though it may look stupid, it works.

It's been likened to the grooming that other primates do when they sit together and pick fleas out of each other's fur - "grooming talk." The direct practical use is questionable but it helps the animals to bond together, in some mysterious way.

Once I'd realised that social niceties weren't as daft as they looked, I began to respect them and I found it a lot easier to take them on board as a part of my social repertoire. I still get impatient with it all, and regularly think "why can't we cut the crap and just say what we mean?" but the point is that it's not crap, it just looks that way to the uninitiated.

Wow. Tickled me rosy with your insightful response. I realize now I have felt that theory dance the fringe of my mind more than once. Just never could or would bother grasp onto it. I think you're really onto something concrete with that.

Still doesn't change the fact that I loathe small talk. But by keeping that in mind I might learn to respect it at least a little more bearing that deeper purpose. At least streamline my part in it all.

I long have realized that small talk is a necessity to build up to more intimate and trusting relationships with most anyone. I think that's called making friends? But I never really thought about it quite that way before.

On the flip side I'm convinced that many people resort to small talk not with a genuine urge to relate to you. Rather just so many people feel compelled to fill the air with talk for their own comfort.

So metaphorically, what you're doing when you say "nice weather today, don't you thnk?" isn't so much about the weather, what you're "really" saying is something like "I see you as somebody I might be able to relate to" or "I'm happy to treat you as normal and acceptable" - i.e. reassurance. Just like with computer programming, you need to learn the value of using the correct syntax, and even though it may look stupid, it works.

I think I have AS. But I'm not sure. And mornings like today make me wonder. This is what happened. I walked to the store to pick something up. When I got back to my apartment my neighbour was on the front step with his dog. The dog started jumping on me. I like animals and he wasn't hurting me or pushing me over so I didn't mind that. My attention was focused on the dog, so I didn't have to look at the neighbour but I said "Whoa, he's getting big!" (Because he is... the dog, that is) and the neighbour agreed and said "How are you?" I replied I was fine and asked him the same question. I'm pretty sure neither of us really cared how the other was, it just felt like an expected exchange.

In one on one situations I can exchange social niceties like that, for a short period of time. It isn't until I get into groups of multiple people or extended periods of time that I freeze up.

Would an AS person have just slunk past him without speaking? I mean, the dog jumped on me, I couldn't just slip by. But I was the one who started the conversation. Do other people with AS find initiating small exchanges like this possible - maybe it's something I've taught myself and adapted to?