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PunkyKat
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25 May 2010, 7:36 pm

I'm always being told I am selfish. Ever since a child my parents used to tell me it was to try and get me to realise it but it never really bothered me and eventualy "selfish" was just as much a part of my ideninty as my brown hair. My family has basicaly learned to accept I care about animals more than people. My mother is also telling me I care about objects than people and if the shoe fits I'll wear it. I could care less about being called selfish. Empathy and sympathy (at least for people) were always alien concepts to me.


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PunkyKat
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25 May 2010, 7:38 pm

I'm always being told I am selfish. Ever since a child my parents used to tell me it was to try and get me to realise it but it never really bothered me and eventualy "selfish" was just as much a part of my ideninty as my brown hair. My family has basicaly learned to accept I care about animals more than people. My mother is also telling me I care about objects than people and if the shoe fits I'll wear it. I could care less about being called selfish. Empathy and sympathy (at least for people) were always alien concepts to me.


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y-pod
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26 May 2010, 1:30 am

I'm generally not really selfish and do a lot for others. Although I always wished I could be selfish and not care about others. I know it'll make me happier and more comfortable with my life. Why can't everybody just take care of their own business instead of relying on friends and family for help, advices and support?



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26 May 2010, 4:11 am

pschristmas wrote:
Well, you didn't actually ask if she intended to stay home.


I have only understood that recently after reading comments on WP. I know now that I should have asked her that. I think she may have taken it the wrong way and been annoyed that we didn’t want to wait for her and thought we wanted to go with someone else. We have a lot of misunderstandings like this at home. I’m the same though, I take a lot of things literally and misunderstand too.

greej2 wrote:
I rarely rarely think to ask someone if they want something from the kitchen if I'm going that way, because I just don't think to. (I also rarely expect someone else to get something for me if they're going that way.).


I am exactly the same. I really have to force myself to ask if I do remember. It feels un-natural for some reason. Possibly because my whole family are like this. In my first job I was the office junior and I had to make the tea and coffe at 10am and 3pm and I used to think, why doesn’t everyone just make their own coffee when they want it. I have a lot of social anxiety as well, so I didn’t like going round and asking everyone what they wanted to drink. Through several years of working in an office I have learned to ask if someone wants a drink (I don’t do it all the time, but I’ve made an effort to change over the years) and I ask my Dad if he wants a coffee when I go into the kitchen when I’m visiting my parents and he always looks pleasantly surprised because we don’t really do that in our family.

marshall wrote:
With autism it's more a passive type of selfishness, self-absorbed is probably a better word for it. In general we're more inwardly focused than NTs, so we tend not to spontaneously think about what we can do for others. That gets us into trouble in situations where spontaneous niceties and favors are expected.


I can relate to that. I’ve always been in my own world and find it hard to think about what others might want. It really stresses me out because I’ve become aware that I am expected to take others into consideration, but I often don’t really know how to and I try and think of what I’m meant to do and I start to feel anxious. One reason is that I don’t want other people to think that I am selfish, the other reason is that I don’t want to offer something inappropriate or unwanted.

For example I have a sort of friend. I don’t know her that well, but she is looking for a flat mate and so am I and she suggested she might share with me. I invited her to a meal with a few people we both know by text message. She sent me a message back saying that she would go. I thought that I should send some sort of reply and had to think about it for a while and decided to tell her who was going that lived near her so she could get a lift as I know she doesn’t drive. She text back, “Oh right, I was going to get the bus.” And that was all she wrote. (Yeah, I’m not gonna share with her, the communication isn’t going to work. Just from her facebook photos I can tell she is too normal for me to cope with) It seems that either I don’t do anything and could be considered selfish or I do something a little bit not quite right and slightly over the top. Not horrific, but just odd enough to be not normal.



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26 May 2010, 10:32 am

I can be selfish without meaning to, because I'll focus heavily on something and forget there is a whole world out there besides whatever my tunnel vision is trained on.


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LipstickKiller
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26 May 2010, 10:54 am

I'll admit to being self-absorbed, which makes me seem selfish at times. I work at considering other people have other perspectives. When I know what someone wants or feels I have no problem considering their wishes just as relevant as mine. I just tend to be stuck in my own world a lot and need more than gentle insinuations to remember the rest of the world.

The big exception is my kids. They have a direct channel to my inside and take priority above everything else. That doesn't mean I'm always interested in everything they do, but it means I'm always tuned in (and sometimes bored and frustrated).



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26 May 2010, 11:16 am

poppyx wrote:
As an NT, I would have to admit to being self-absorbed as well--the difference is I know how not to admit it.

Well done for admitting it here then 8) Taking an interest in somebody else's stuff is very hard for me unless I happen to feel interested in the particular stuff in the first place.

The OP's comments about the partner getting obsessed with another woman stirred some shameful memories for me. :oops: Towards the end of my first marriage I became obsessed with another woman who was interested in me, and found myself treating my wife like dirt, without ever meaning to, because I had no clue as to what she was going through, I could sense nothing in those days. I still have trouble seeing other people for what they are, and I've often felt that I richly deserve to be lonely because I'm so heavily into my own box. Before my DX, I had a haunting feeling that deepdown I didn't really give a damn about anybody....I longed to "care more" but however hard I tried, I couldn't achieve that.

These days I see it more as like a glass wall between me and others, a wall that neither I nor they deliberately put there........it's still horrible, but better than just thinking I'm a heartless bastard like I used to think. My father (probably an Aspie) told me once that he felt that he had an ocean of love inside him that had nowhere to go. I feel that way too sometimes. Compassion is nothing until it's applied to the ones in my life who need it. One of my greatest fears is that I'll get to the end of my life and find that I've changed nothing. But looking on the bright side, it's been 31 years since I treated a woman like dirt. Nonetheless, I know I'm still perfectly capable of it, if I don't remain vigilant. Hope this makes sense.



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26 May 2010, 12:20 pm

musicboxforever wrote:
marshall wrote:
With autism it's more a passive type of selfishness, self-absorbed is probably a better word for it. In general we're more inwardly focused than NTs, so we tend not to spontaneously think about what we can do for others. That gets us into trouble in situations where spontaneous niceties and favors are expected.


I can relate to that. I’ve always been in my own world and find it hard to think about what others might want. It really stresses me out because I’ve become aware that I am expected to take others into consideration, but I often don’t really know how to and I try and think of what I’m meant to do and I start to feel anxious. One reason is that I don’t want other people to think that I am selfish, the other reason is that I don’t want to offer something inappropriate or unwanted.

For example I have a sort of friend. I don’t know her that well, but she is looking for a flat mate and so am I and she suggested she might share with me. I invited her to a meal with a few people we both know by text message. She sent me a message back saying that she would go. I thought that I should send some sort of reply and had to think about it for a while and decided to tell her who was going that lived near her so she could get a lift as I know she doesn’t drive. She text back, “Oh right, I was going to get the bus.” And that was all she wrote. (Yeah, I’m not gonna share with her, the communication isn’t going to work. Just from her facebook photos I can tell she is too normal for me to cope with) It seems that either I don’t do anything and could be considered selfish or I do something a little bit not quite right and slightly over the top. Not horrific, but just odd enough to be not normal.


Do you ever feel like there are contradictory elements to it though? Like I know that in some situations I'm very self-conscious and almost too eager to please someone, to the point where I have difficulty saying "no" to them, or feel almost like I'm misrepresenting myself in order to accommodate their feelings.

Yet other times I just can't make myself do certain things, like answer the phone when I'm in the middle of something else, return people's calls / emails in a timely fashion, remember to send family members cards, gifts, spontaneous compliments, thank-you's, etc... It's just really hard for me to feel like doing these kinds of things. Feeling guilty and worrying over not doing these things doesn't make doing them any easier either.

Also, it's only ever the people closest to me that tell me I'm selfish, mostly family members. I'm more accommodating with colleagues and friends than I am with family.



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26 May 2010, 3:46 pm

I think the doing certain things, or not doing them, goes to being overloaded. I'm from a family of NTs that doesn't do a lot of things like birthdays, etc. when we have too much work.

It's kind of like when I was walking across a 1930's WPA damn in Texas with my uncle, admiring the 1920's architectural details in 1993, and he said something about the first World Trade Center bombing.

I said, "What?"

He said, "You know, the World Trade Center Bombing."

I said, "Oh. I had finals. I must have missed that." :mrgreen:



ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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26 May 2010, 7:09 pm

...and I wonder is there not one person on the planet who hasn't been accused of selfishness at some point in their existence? It seems whenever someone wants attention or something you have, desire or need they accuse you of being "selfish". If someone really starts in, time to give up whatever it is they want and give it to them, unless they are being completely unreasonable and it's obvious, then you can fight, pointing out why they are being selfish, too, with their demands.



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27 May 2010, 12:24 am

Its not selfishness....its self preservation!
I try to follow the rules but I know that Im looking after me and mine because if I dont, no one else is going to. When I worked in health care I was very sympathetic to my patients. They were sick or in pain, this I understand. I dont understand someone being upset because their hair didnt turn out right...the only reason Im bringing up the hair thing is because I saw someone actually yelling at a hairdresser because she cut her hair too short. I felt sorry for the hair dresser and I really wanted to tell the woman that her hair will grow back but she was yelling and that makes me nervous! Anyway, Ill stop babbling now, its been a crazy day for me.



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27 May 2010, 11:24 am

LipstickKiller wrote:
I'll admit to being self-absorbed, which makes me seem selfish at times. I work at considering other people have other perspectives. When I know what someone wants or feels I have no problem considering their wishes just as relevant as mine. I just tend to be stuck in my own world a lot and need more than gentle insinuations to remember the rest of the world.

Yes, this is a tough one as I'm married too and I spend countless hours in my world of distractions/abstractions , unknowingly , and have to be prodded and reminded of this.

Quote:
The big exception is my kids. They have a direct channel to my inside and take priority above everything else. That doesn't mean I'm always interested in everything they do, but it means I'm always tuned in (and sometimes bored and frustrated).


I wonder if this would be true in my case, as my wife thinks I would have been a terrible father, but who could tell because circumstances define what we do.


Marshall wrote:
I know that in some situations I'm very self-conscious and almost too eager to please someone, to the point where I have difficulty saying "no" to them, or feel almost like I'm misrepresenting myself in order to accommodate their feelings.

Yet other times I just can't make myself do certain things, like answer the phone when I'm in the middle of something else, return people's calls / emails in a timely fashion, remember to send family members cards, gifts, spontaneous compliments, thank-you's, etc... It's just really hard for me to feel like doing these kinds of things. Feeling guilty and worrying over not doing these things doesn't make doing them any easier either.

Also, it's only ever the people closest to me that tell me I'm selfish, mostly family members. I'm more accommodating with colleagues and friends than I am with family.

Story of my life



Last edited by Mdyar on 27 May 2010, 11:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

sylvr
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27 May 2010, 11:32 am

marshall wrote:
With autism it's more a passive type of selfishness, self-absorbed is probably a better word for it. In general we're more inwardly focused than NTs, so we tend not to spontaneously think about what we can do for others. That gets us into trouble in situations where spontaneous niceties and favors are expected.


...This explains SO much!


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Wikan
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27 May 2010, 12:09 pm

We have to pay attention to every thing we say or do in order to make sure they come out right or are appropriate. Is it really that weird we get self-absorbed?



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27 May 2010, 12:14 pm

As an Aspie I will admit AS people can be very selfish at times. But you should not take it as personally with as AS person as you should with a NT person. Aspies, at least myself, I can't speak for all of them I guess but it seems that it's not just me, might respond in a seemingly cold way to something major like death but cry at something as little as a sad movie. It's not because AS people are jerks, it's just our emotional response can be a bit random.

I have a theory that AS people are actually born highly emotional but as they get older, this numbs to the point where they can seem downright insensitive, but deep down they are actually still very emotionally sensitive.



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27 May 2010, 12:53 pm

donnie_darko wrote:
As an Aspie I will admit AS people can be very selfish at times. But you should not take it as personally with as AS person as you should with a NT person. Aspies, at least myself, I can't speak for all of them I guess but it seems that it's not just me, might respond in a seemingly cold way to something major like death but cry at something as little as a sad movie. It's not because AS people are jerks, it's just our emotional response can be a bit random.

I have a theory that AS people are actually born highly emotional but as they get older, this numbs to the point where they can seem downright insensitive, but deep down they are actually still very emotionally sensitive.


I agree with this. When I was a child I was very emotional, I would cry about every little thing. I appear stoic (which started in my late 20s) or I have this stupid smile (which I have always done) while being torn apart on the inside. I can sometimes get my eyes to water and I tend to get a large lump in my throat but Id say I have not cried in maybe two years. I wish I could, it would be a release. I also now have a hard time being as sympathetic as I used to be. Also people can not tell that I am having a panic attack unless they know me well, I tremble slightly but my face remains unchanged. The one thing that has not changed is that I sometimes smile when I should be looking concerned or upset....everyone always thought I was happy unless I cried, now I dont even have that. However, I think it may also be due to a lot of things that have happened in my life, as well.