you are being disrespectfull!

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I got this a lot from my parents when I was a young teenager, like 12-14. We fought constantly. It's just because I would honestly be trying to figure out what they wanted me to do, but I would come off as being lazy/sarcastic/etc. This happened a little in high school, but only when I was in public school and I wasn't there longer than a month. (Switched to a private school.)
One example: my parents would tell me I wasn't allowed to do something, of course I needed to know why. They said because I lived there. So I argued that I was a minor and was legally bound to living there, so I didn't have the choice to move out. The argument would get heated and I would say something like I didn't want to live with them, etc. Another time my dad said 'go to your goddamn room' so I immediately got up and started walking to my room. He asked what I was doing and I said 'I'm going to my goddamn room' I really wasn't trying to be sarcastic, but stuff like that got me in trouble. Now that we've lived together long enough, plus I have the diagnosis, we get along very well.

I've been thinking about this issue a lot lately. I am a teacher, and have one student (21 years old) in particular that I have been told to focus on "job-related social skills." There are certain things-- abrupt ends to conversations, loud or "inappropriate" tone of voice-- that I can identify as seeming disrespectful but don't think he means that way. I try not to phrase things to him as if he were being disrespectful, but in how it would seem-- "When you say 'Uh' instead of 'Yes,' some people will think you are being disrespectful," or "I know you don't like to make eye contact, but people might think you aren't paying attention to them. If you can look toward them or at their forehead it will 'close enough' to eye contact." I am really hoping that he can get a job in an understanding environment so he can be himself.

It can be hard to know the intention of people's heart when they speak. Most people use an elaborate system of grammar and body language to communicate respect. These systems vary from culture to culture. Cultures vary by region and by country. Within the USA there are thousands of culture. How people behave where I grew up and how they behave where I live now are radically different. Class and education also come into play as people in University develop certain kinds of manners.

It is really daunting if you try to learn it all, but you really don't to be considered respectful. I try to talk my two Aspie sons through their mistakes. Eldest has utterly poor social perception, but a very kind heart. He can come across as very selfish and unconcerned about other people's feelings but in truth he isn't. He simply lacks the skills to know how to read those feelings so he can take them into account when he chooses his actions. For him we are trying to find ways he can use language to ascertain that information so he can act in a way that shows others what's going on inside him. Middle son has great perceptive skills that are part of his tremendous gift for observing nature but suffers extreme social anxiety and freezes up with people. He comes off as cold and uncaring. He often won't answer questions when asked directly. We are working with him behaviorally, and there is a new clinic that can do more that I'm trying to get him into. He may need to start some Prozac or something, but I want to put that off and keep it to a minimum.

I am not into trying to turn Aspies into fake NTs, but I think it's good to develop skills that work for you so you can reach your goals. It can be hard to maintain gainful employment if you come off as disrespectful to others.

Kids don't come with manuals. There is no addendum that explains that your model is an Aspie with such and such traits and needs to be treated in a certain way. Parents of any kid have quite a job to figure out what to do and often need to draw heavily on their past experiences to get through it. If their child is the first Aspie they've dealt with they have a special challenge. There is a lot of helpful information out there now that wasn't there even ten years ago. Some parents are better at tuning in and and figureing out their kids than others.

It's frustrating to hear stories where it sounds like the parents didn't make much effort to figure out their Aspie child, but on the other hand I know it's a tough job and the child may not realize how hard they did try. Maybe if some of you, who have parents who are struggling, make an effort to explain yourself to them they will be able to do better.

Just a thought.

I get this all the time, or people tell me I am being "unprofessional." I actually totally am and I can't believe I get away with behaving this way. One of the benefits of being a foreigner in a foreign land I guess!

that may sound easy.. but it isnt, not for me anyway.. when i look at somones forhead.. I get distracted by every stray hair and pimple..and then dont listen

I've had this problem, especially recently. I think it's the reason I feel so depressed, because I want to do well, but I keep messing up with other people. Maybe try explaining the situation, and possibly try to make the changes that they want to see.

There might be situations where it's best to explain that you can focus on what the person is saying if you don't look at them, and that you find eye contact very distracting. It can be risky if the person is judgemental or looking to cause trouble for you, but for many people they would be able to accept that. I'll just ask my kids if they are listening or ask them a question about what I'm saying. I get the same result, maybe better. They do that to me now as well.

My parents used to smack the hell out of me for being rude so I am overly polite today. It has paid off a couple of times.