Anyone NOT know how to console a person?

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My idea of consoling someone is basically just stating the positive outcome/s of whatever has happened. There is always something. Once you find that thing you can build more positives on it.

I tend not to know what to say, but I can listen, which can be consoling.

the only way i can help someone who's upset is by offering them the practical perspective on the situation, i.e. nothing is going to happen if you cry, but there are some things you can do that will prevent something worse from happening, and also i can talk about the comparative value of the loss if it's not something humongously large to the point that there's nothing that could possibly happen to someone that is worse.

I try, but I never know if I'm doing it correctly...

I'm actually pretty good at consoling. I do care how people are feelings. I use to be awkward with wording or say the wrong thing (thinking that what I was saying would help - but having the opposite affect and actually causing more grief .

I'm much, much better at this now. I had the privilege of hearing what grieving people thought, what things brought comfort, etc. I can actually be a good comfort to people now (which is good as I work in nursing and comforting people is something I need to do a lot of...)

I am going to make a book recommendation. It is called, "Beyond Sympathy What To Say and Do for Someone Suffering an Injury, Illness or Loss" by Janice Harris Lord. It offers practical advice and excellent examples of exactly what to say for various situations. Both Aspies and NTs will find it helpful.

This thread is enlightening for me! I get really frustrated with my aspie (I suspect) husband when I'm upset and want comforting/consoling. A lot of your responses sound like things he would say - so now I know it's not necessarily that he doesn't care, it's probably just how he's wired.

If it helps anyone, when I'm upset emotionally, I mostly want to feel validated for what I'm feeling. For example, if I'm feeling stressed and overwhelmed by commitments, I'd like my husband to say something like: "Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. That sucks. I know you're having a hard time right now. Is there anything I can do to help?" A nice big hug is good, too, but I know that's hard for some aspies.

It makes me uncomfortable trying to offer my condolences to someone - I feel self-conscious about trying to project the right response to their troubles - putting on an appropriate facial expression, using the right tone of voice, saying the right thing so as not to seem insensitive. I never know what to say, and often the only thing I can think of is to just say "I'm terribly sorry," or something along those lines, and hoping it sounds heartfelt. I think a lot of what goes into trying to console someone, though, is to just listen to what they have to say, ask them questions, and try to understand what they're going through.

No, I'm not a natural consoler. Which is strange because all of the other women on my sides of the family are really good at consoling others (including extended family it's like 100-1 ratio, I'm the one unable). I'll try to do the best I can, but I usually end up making the situation worse by saying something 'offensive' to them, so somebody else consoles them while I stand there like an idiot.

I think "sorry for your loss" is an acceptable thing to say, she probably just didn't want to talk.

I am the worst at consoling. I remember when my great-grandmother died, my dad started crying...he reached over to me and I just sort of looked at him, until he said "I'm trying to hug you, ya turd!" What I do is intllectualize the situation and then point out the good in it. That's my form of consoling, but most people find it to be pretty...sucky. When I'm in a relationship (with a significant other) I can be consoling by hugging and such, but I feel uncomfortable doing that with just everyone.

Trekker, I think you're exactly right. I'd feel consoled if you did that.

I'm the same. Feels weird, and sort of silly and not natural. I know exactly what I should do but something just stops me doing it... feeling like an idiot doing it I guess.

It does not mean I don't care about people. If someones crying its more what should I do, why am I not doing what I should? If someones crying, I will just stand there looking stupid and awkward giving them an occasional glance. Same with people who are upset.

One guy I used to be with years ago got pissed off that I didn't want to do stuff as a couple once and looked out the window sulking and I just sat there. Then he turned around and told me when you've upset someone you should ask them whats wrong and console them. Then he went back to sulking looking out the window.. This happened about 4 or 5 times in a row before he said something like "why do you keep not doing it?

I'm not very good at consoling people. I just say something along the lines of "you have my condolences" and "it'll be okay", and maybe give them a hug. Sometimes I try to offer advice, but since I'm not very worldly people hardly ever take it.

Thanks, Rooish. I found that helpful. I don't ever know what to say. It's usually something like, "oh...........that's.........terrible" *pat. pat.....pat*. Then I exit stage left feeling very awkward.

The same thing has happened to me. My friend once asked "Why are you just standing there?" When I explained to her that I COULD NOT physically console people she asked me "So do you just not have feelings?" I laughed! She really did not understand.

That's about all I'm capable of, too. I just don't know what to say or do.

I do not know how to console anyone.

I think it's because my body language doesn't fit the expectation, I say "I'm sorry for you loss" but my stoic facial expression and lack of eye contact comes across as insincere.