Touch and Sexual Attraction

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I think it is only good to be touched in a sexual situation. All other times I think it is inappropriate.

The ONLY time I like touching is during a sexual encounter, which for me is when I see my "ladyfriend", about once a month.

With family (all there is left are my parents) I'm very reserved. My dad has never been a hugger to start with, but my Mom always tries to hug me and I sort of automatically recoil. Then she calls me a "cold fish" and we sort of laugh about it. But she insists on hugging even though I've told her I'm just not into it. I don't understand why she wants to hug someone that doesn't want to hug back. I am not cool with any physical displays of affection with anyone except when it's sexual and I just wish people close to me would respect that. When people touch me when they're talking to me I flinch and jerk away. I don't mean to do it, but I can't really help it.

I don't know if I've always been like this, but a lot of it is a cultural factor. We live now (at least in the U.S.A., certainly in New England) in a society where giving someone a hug can be construed as sexual harassment. They've even banned hugging in some schools. This isn't exactly the ideal situation for someone who can't discern when someone else wants to be touched or hugged. So to avoid any sort of misinterpretations, I simply don't hug or touch anyone. This way there are no issues.

I'm really not sure, though, why I have such an issue doing it with my family. It could be because I'm subconsciously jealous, because my parents have something (each other and a child) I know I never can or will. But I don't think that's the reason, because I have always been averse to non-sexual touching, since long before I even knew what sex was or had the capacity to be jealous.

My "ladyfriend" I refer to is a call girl, so in that environment, there's been clearly implied permission from the get-go that I can touch, and we've even talked about my aversion to touching in the "real world" and we laugh about it (she knows I am ASD). She's the only person in my life who I hug back. I try to with Mom but it just doesn't feel natural for me, nor has it ever.

A lot, if not most, people will touch you when you're having a conversation, especially if the topic is intense, but I never do or return the favor,. I'm just not comfortable with it.

Yeah, I only feel comfortable touching when it is sexually-related (or with the pretense of that happening). I don't get it either.

When I drink though, I tend to get touchier and more affectionate. Anyone else do this? I remember a really funny AS moment in my past. I was drinking with a gay buddy of mine and I just felt overwhelmingly emotionally close to him. I wanted to hug him or kiss him or something, but instead I slapped him in the face! Hahaha! He got quite pissed and I couldn't explain myself...