What if I don't want to adapt?

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Well, I don't think any of us truly want to conform to something we're not.. I didn't conform for most of my life and it got me absolutely nowhere. If I did everything my way I'd never associate with the outside world. I wouldn't work, go to school, talk to people, and I'd end up on the street because I'd have no motivation to do anything. Not because of depression, I'm just naturally reclusive.

It's difficult to find a balance between our world and the real one. The more I push myself out of my shell the more I feel like I lose myself, I am truly at my best when I've struck a 50/50 balance. These days I'm more like 80/20, and it's not helping me at all. I'm unemployed, not in school, and estranged with pretty much everyone I know. It's sad, really, but it's not something I get emotional about. I know I caused this and I know it's something I can change. Do I want to? No. Do I have to? I guess not. Am I going to because in spite of all of these things I know it'll be good for me in the long run? Yes.

So it just comes down to choices...try make the best ones for you.

That's exactly the point I was trying to make. You took me literally. Faking it in little ways is a small price to pay for harmony. Recently the brother of someone I know died. He was in his 60's and in poor health. I told her I was sorry because I am sorry that she's grieving, but I'm not mourning the loss of the brother myself. I did know him but only as an acquaintance.

I guess that if you want to have a connection to others, how small it may be, you have to conform a bit. Everyone has to, and we all need human connections, even if we prefer to be on our own most of the time.

It is difficult though, I have recently (this year) made new friends at uni, but I notice that the more comfortable I get with them, the more I let my guard down and act more like my true self. Their reaction is pretty negative to this, so I am having an inner debate about how much I can let my guard down, since I have at least 2 more years to go with them.

That's what I would've done too. That's what the phrase "I'm sorry for your loss" conveys. It may not be the speaker's loss, but it expresses exactly what you were after there. Granted people's responses can be very off when they are in such a vulnerable and fragile state, but it's one of those stock phrases that usually gets the intent across.

The only way that I wish to bend, is by going to church on Sunday morning.

I think you're wrestling with some very normal ideas appropriate for a young person, but your thinking is a bit one sided...not unusual for a teenager of any neurological status.

You are absolutely correct. You do not have to adapt your behavior. It is 100% your choice. Here's what you're forgetting: Everybody else, even NTs have the same rights you do.

Your mother is not obligated to adapt her behavior for you either. Whatever she does to try to understand and help you is her gift of love to you.

What you've got to decided is what adaptions you are willing to make to your own behavior for the sake of others. You can not choose what the consequences will be, only what your behavior will be. If you are content to alienate your family and others, including NTs through your behavior then you are completely free to make that choice, and they are completely free to refuse to adapt for your sake. This will affect many of the options you will have in the future. It will affect what kind of education you can have, where you can live, and what kind of job you can hold. If you feel that your behavioral choices are getting you enough of the things you want out of life, then it makes sense. Whether it makes sense to anybody or not is actually pretty irrelevant. It's your choice, just be prepared for the natural consequences of your choices and don't waste your time blaming anybody else for what happens.

Personally I think compromise is a better solution. If your uncomfortable with a heartfelt apology to your mom, you might try another approach that would mean something to her, but would be more comfortable for you. Use your words to express that you are really tired trying to fake feelings you don't have, but that you wish her no harm...or whatever it is you do feel comfortable with. Maybe you and your mom can find a mutually agreeable way to handle this that honors both of your rights and needs fairly.

You don't have to act like an NT to get along with them, but all people have to adapt to each other to get along. I hope you can find your own way to adapt that works for all parties involved. The alternative is to be a hermit, which is OK too. It's your choice.

Sounds like you're a part time hermit.

I agree with you, and I too am just being myself now.

Someday I'd like to hear why, just out of intellectual curiosity. You've said so many interesting things and I don't quite see where that fits into the picture. It's not my business or anything, but I'm very curious.

+1.


Unless you happen to be surrounded by aspies, your statement could just as easily read; "why should I change myself when the only people with a problem is everyone but me". The simple answer is because if everyone acted as selfishly as that, society wouldn't work.

Well I would like to thank everyone for commenting, it has really helped me see more evenly, I was one sided, and I was sort of rude, though I guess that's my lack of empathy, however I have one question left I started to evaluate my life last night and I relised I don't feel sorry when my mom bursts into tears and runs into her room because I stressed her out, am I a bad person for feeling this way, she told me I was self centered, logically that is technically what self centered means, to not feel sorry about making others feel bad. I'm wonderIng what I should do if I don't care about my family, I'm obviously of no help to them but when I thought I really cared abot them especially my sister, I now seem to not, I must admit I'm a bit questioning, that I don't care about my family the way I should, what's wrong with me?

I'm not your mom so it's hard for me to write why she doesn't understand, but I'll give it a go. (And I certainly can't answer why 'they' don't understand...just as every one of us aspies has different opinions, it's the same for NTs.)

What you've written in this quote is probably exactly what she's thinking about you. NTs are the majority of the world, and in and NT world, aspies are the ones with the problem and a label. This would make us the ones who need to change to fit NT actions. In their eyes, we are the ones who don't understand.

And here's my point of view. From a logical standpoint, it's always hard to see someone go from how they always act to letting out how they've always wanted to behave (in your case, letting out your aspie-ness). If I saw one of my friends go from behaving fairly normal to suddenly acting without empathy and emotionless, it would confuse me. If your mom is a somewhat emotional person, it makes sense that she would cry about it. Your emotionless probably came off as anger directed at her.

I think of this a lot. Which is why I real freedom doesn't exist. What is freedom but to do what you want? Yet every society has rules everyone must follow.

I think those kinds of feelings aren't completely unusual for a teenager either. You may care more than you feel like you care right now. Real caring, mature caring, caring that endures, is not just about feelings but about choices. Sometimes feelings come and go, it's the choices you make to continue to care when you don't feel like it that build the best kinds of relationships. Even in a marriage the feelings aren't always there, but you stick with it and they usually come back in a good relationship. In fact that kind of makes it more enjoyable. Children tend to have stronger but more fleeting feelings than adults. If Adults felt as strongly as a two year old does about things, well it would be disasterous. Grown ups have to be more level headed so they can make good decisions, so as we mature we change. Little kids have the luxury of being passionate about everything all the time. Grown ups can't waste that kind of energy, we'd never be able to take care of ourselves or families.

It sounds to me like you're growing up, and doing it pretty well, actually. If it really bothers you, and you find the feelings don't come back, talking to a psychologist could be very reassuring.

If there's something about society that I like, I'll take part in it, like church.

There are things about society that I don't care about, like sex and the stuff that they have on TV, these days. I take what I like about society and leave the rest.

I guess it's because I have a role model, now.

I don't want to adapt either. I don't care. I think the whole world operates on overload and misses things.

Last edited by alone on 09 Jun 2010, 12:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.