Overly Empathietic People

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I have very little empathy for others. When someone cries in front of me, I just sort of stand there and stare at them quizically.

yeah, it's easier to have empathy in real life... talking to someone in a chat room, almost nothing bothers me.

When people use the word "empathy" they lump a bunch of things together that seem like they should go together when in reality they don't always go together, especially for people on the autism spectrum. If you take the EQ test you'll notice that it asks all kinds of questions which apply to different kinds of interpersonal skills. The idea that there's a single measure seems a little stupid to me.

Also not everyone on the autism spectrum is the same. I am good at picking up emotional body language. I can also put myself in someone else's shoes when I try. Understanding people is an interest of mine.

What I'm not as good at is being a "touchy feely" person. I don't always feel comfortable hugging or making empathetic noises. I'll never be a cheer-leader or be the person to offer encouragement and moral support. I just try hard not to be a jerk or act insensitive. If I don't have the right thing to say to make someone feel better it's easier for me to just be quiet and listen. Thankfully there are some people who can appreciate that.

When the diagnostic criteria for autism says "lacks empathy" it's referring to the ability to see things from other people's perspectives, not specifically feeling sad when they get hurt.

Concrete example: If you are fat and know you're fat and if someone says, "you're really fat" to you, you take it as a statement of fact and do not feel offended . . . . and then you see someone else who is really fat and say, "wow, you're really fat" and they get offended and you can't understand why on earth they would get offended because you only stated a fact and it doesn't offend you when people notice that you're fat . . .

then you're exhibiting a clinical lack of empathy.

I don't think I've ever lacked empathy in that way. Does this mean I'm not autistic? Or do people think I'm in denial?

I have all the other symptoms except that. I've always been a shy/sensitive person. I'm told I worry too much about what other people think. It's only online that I've really learned to come out of my shell.

OTOH I've seen NTs use that kind of reasoning. Tell me I shouldn't be offended by such and such because they're only telling the "truth" [i.e their opinion].

Go back to the diagnostic criteria and you'll see that lack of empathy is not listed under 299.80 in the DSM IV. Clinicians and researchers have noted a tendency toward lack of empathy among people with asperger's syndrome, but it is not an official diagnositic criterion. (I erroneously referred to it as such in my last post in this thread. That was me being lazy in my thinking and writing. I had just woken up so my thinking was still woozly.)



And in that instance, they're exhibiting a lack of empathy (as deifned in the diagnostic criteria.)

The difference, when it comes to empathy, is the overall pervasiveness of the lack of empathy. In other words, NTs do it from time to time while those with a clinical lack of empathy (due to whatever cause) do it regularly. You'll notice that most things that fall under "people with AS do this" are things that NTs do as well. Determining a clinical level of such traits is usually a matter of intensity and frequency.

Edit: I misunderstood what you said, I am very easily hurt with what people say to me, and I try not to offend people myself. I do have an understanding of what's offensive and not offensive.

I used to have no understanding of what is and what isn't offensive when I was younger and as a result I got into quite a lot of trouble. Now I understand more through people explaining it to me. Although I still struggle with calming down upset people.