Is pretending to be NT a skill?

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All my life.

vvvv This is exactly how I operate vvvv

Last edited by monsterland on 27 Aug 2010, 3:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Passing for NT is impossible. I think we should instead calculate the bare minimum to get by and stick to it. Never go above the calculation unless you can keep it up. Pretending to be full NT is only futile and will result in a nervous breakdown. We should aim to be perceived as eccentric. The autism label scares them so we shouldn't out ourselves as Aspies. On the other hand, they will have fewer social expectations than if you were to pretend to be NT.This is why we should aim at passing for eccentric and subdue our behavior just enough to get by (doing the bare minimum).

Yes it's a skill. Passing for NT gets learnt and becomes easier as time go's on.

10 years ago, I would have told you this was BS, that I was "good at" passing for normal. I am coming to the conclusion that it is the plain truth, gradually over the 7 or so years that I have seriously considered that I have AS (only officially diagnosed for about a month or two). I kinda liked the analogy to languages...I'm stuck at a sort of minimally functional level too, like I can do what it takes NT-wise to get through the day at work but nobody will ever take me for an NT. (interestingly I just got cussed out by a Romanian who insisted I COULD NOT have learned "the most difficult language in Europe) in 17 months...LOL).

~Kate

nevermind.

Last edited by tenzinsmom on 28 Aug 2010, 12:16 am, edited 2 times in total.

Yar, that is a bit extreme.



For me, it depends on two factors:

a) Length of exposure. The longer they interact with me, the more likely they're stumble onto the "missing pieces", but in short intervals I can pass for an NT.

b) Narrow spectrum of interaction. If we're just chatting at a gas station while our cars are filling up, that's good. Now if I somehow ended up in a grocery store, and have to chat with them while fishing for a credit card in my pocket and trying not to flatten other shoppers' children running in the path of my cart, they will start to see cracks in the picture.



Sadly, yes. It triggers other people's issues, somehow, and they try to validate you by invalidating you.



Now that's the "extreme" part. Again, it depends. In the past 10 years I've made strides in learning the unlearnable, by forcing myself through limited social and physical interaction via traditional martial arts.

Slowly but surely I started to develop this elusive fluidity. It will NEVER BE AS GOOD as that of an NT, but I can react to events properly in realtime, I can drive a car, respond to a wisecrack of a homeless passing by, and even, half the time, instinctively seek out the right positioning, facial expressions and speech patterns at crowded social occasions, just like the flock of humans around me.

That said, I still can't tolerate being in crowd of people for over 2 hours, while pretending to be as happy as them, I have very few friends, very few narrow but deep interests, I'm far less outgoing, and I still cling to patterns more than humans do.

The weird thing is that people often see me by my AS side and I see myself by the girl no one knows. Well tbh who I see myself as is by, vicariously through my special interests, who I want to be in the future. I do have to work to act normal

I'm practically an NT who is living under the autistic label given by my doctor.

It is a skill, and I have worked at it ever since I found out about my diagnosis because at the time I figured there was no point in accepting it. I learned it methodically, like a school subject. I gathered every resource on AS I could and worked on each skill that I wasn't putting into practice. That, and I did a lot of observation.

Even still, I have the feeling that after 10 years or so of practice, people can still see that something is up with me. I was hanging out with a close friend after the autism conference that I spoke at, and this prompted my reveal to him that I was on the spectrum. He said that he wasn't entirely surprised and that something was "a bit off" about me. He said that it was something in my eyes - that they had this "wild" quality - but that people with all sorts of different disorders that he has encountered have "that look". He also struggles with anxiety like I do, so perhaps he is more adept at identifying these things.

My official dx is SPD and not AS, but I'll post anyway.

I think the main problem is the lack of emotional connection. No matter how good you get at eye contact and body language, people are going to feel that there is something missing. Maybe they smell it, I dunno. I always focus on the content of conversations. If somebody says something interesting, I'll pick up on that. If I remember, I'll ask people about their lifes and try to keep a conversation going. If not, I'll do my usual routine of sitting back and playing the comedian. But no matter what I do, I'm always the only person at any kind of social gathering who ends up being left out.

My wife tells me I'm missing the point. It's not about what is being said at all. The content of the conversations is pretty much irrelevant to your average humans. Everything is about strenghtening or weakening this emotional connection. I know she can decide to distance herself slightly from someone, for example, and do it through a perfectly normal-sounding conversation. To me, that's a bit like black magic, and I don't see how any kind of acting can make up for that.

I used to think I was extremely normal - a slightly nervous, intellectual loner, but definately normal. (pre breakdown, like some other people here). A while ago I met somebody from way back, and decided to ask him about it. His words were that I was "indescribably weird". Turns out even my mother thinks I'm excentric... Shows how much we really know about ourselves.

I would not call it pretending. I would call it adapting.

And yes, it is a skill. I have learned to manage in the NT world in such a way that a keep my Aspie traits from making things difficult for me, my family and my neighbors. I have learned the NT ways sufficiently so I can manifest NT type manners in my social relations.

This is not a matter of deception, but of necessity. I am married to an NT and most of my children and grandchildren are NTs.

ruveyn

ive done it loads of times.

this past weekend i talked myself into going out for tea, going for drinks, dancing. then the next night i dressed up in uncomfortable fashionable clothing, straightened my hair, donned the makeup again and went and made small talk at my cousin's wedding.

that first night i felt like i was putting on my happy face for my little sister (who is a bit emotionally unstable at times, so she came down to stay and we went out "for a good time") but otherwise got to be more or less me and the next night i felt like i pulled on a whole new person. i was the well adjusted, fashionable, full time working post grad student with my well dressed OH on my arm. there was more then one comment about who was "next in line"

needless to say the dressing up was fun, if uncomfortable. the small talk and the noise was a killer and i dove into the headache pills long before the evening was over.

i was glad to be back in my thongs and boardshorts after two evenings in dresses and heels!