Was I a Jerk for Saying This or Justified?

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nova2012
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08 Sep 2010, 11:35 pm

From what you described, she was most likely just trying to be helpful. Clearly, you don't want your advice, but a more socially acceptable way to handle this next time would be, as a couple others mentioned, to tell her politely that while you appreciate her advice and insight, you're happy the way you are but thanks anyhow (obviously in your own words). I can see how your reaction would be met with bewilderment and/or anger because you did overreact. We all do sometimes, though. Don't sweat it, just learn from it for next time.

Dnuos
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08 Sep 2010, 11:39 pm

What you said was correct, and it wasn't her business, but I'd think you said it in the wrong way. I would've just rolled my eyes and blew them off and ignored them. "Yeah, right... whatever" may have been better. The way you said it, shows a temper out of control - swear words don't have to be used in every situation.

It probably wouldn't have drawn such an unpleasant scene if you calmly said something like, "And you're a single mother at age 24 with three children... so you're telling me this, why?" Anger in a non-hostile situation isn't usually a good thing. Worst case scenario, it would still have been more acceptable to sound like a smart-aleck or a know-it-all, but not aggressively as it sounds.

Then again, I'm a passive avoidant easygoing fellow, so I would have my own response which could be incorrect as well.

nova2012
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08 Sep 2010, 11:45 pm

Dnuos wrote:

I'm not sure rolling his eyes and blowing her off would have been any better, since it would still be an overreaction to what was a genuine interest by this girl in giving the OP advice. If you truly didn't care what she thought and wanted to score a few points with some of the others, I think the line in your second paragraph, said facetiously, could have been kind of funny--but you'd still end up looking like a jerk and a weirdo, IMHO.

League_Girl
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08 Sep 2010, 11:46 pm

She was trying to be helpful but your brother kept telling her to leave you alone. She didn't.

Were you out of line? I dunno.

tomhead
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08 Sep 2010, 11:52 pm

While I can understand why you'd be annoyed, I think you should apologize.

If you can't apologize, or no good opportunity to do so presents itself, live and learn. But while both of you goofed, your goof was bigger than her goof.

Cheers,

TH

Todesking
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09 Sep 2010, 12:17 am

League_Girl wrote:

She was trying to be helpful but your brother kept telling her to leave you alone. She didn't.

Were you out of line? I dunno.

My brother said that she is known for taking the piss and embarrassing people and he was sure it was going to end badly for her. He said he was glad I did not say something worse. His girlfriend's friends know that I say pretty mean stuff from the stories my brother has passed on to them about stuff he has heard me say to people messing with me over the years. My brother always tells people most autistic people are really good at something with me it is insulting people. :lol:

tomhead wrote:

While I can understand why you'd be annoyed, I think you should apologize.

I will never apologize to a stranger who tries to humilate infront of their friends to make themselves look better in their eyes. Why was I annoyed? Well let me a total stranger who never met you before give you personal advice infront of my friends so they could giggle and snicker at you.

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nova2012
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09 Sep 2010, 12:25 am

Todesking wrote:

League_Girl wrote:

She was trying to be helpful but your brother kept telling her to leave you alone. She didn't.

Were you out of line? I dunno.

I'm also guilty of overreacting on more than one occasion. One time, for instance, someone would poke fun at me and I would completely blow my top, responding in a totally disproportionate way, telling them I hoped they died of cancer or something. Any time I've done that, I felt awful afterwards, but they were off-the-cuff comebacks because I felt incapable of thinking of anything clever or more in line with the severity of their original insult.

nova2012
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09 Sep 2010, 12:28 am

Todesking wrote:

I thought you said they only giggled and snickered after your response. If they were laughing when she said it, her intonation was probably sarcastic and merely an effort to get a few laughs at your expense. But you didn't mention anything about her tone of voice or body language, so it's a little hard to judge.

Todesking
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09 Sep 2010, 12:37 am

nova2012 wrote:

My brother claims they were giggling because someone said oh no she is looking for daddy number four and they did not know I had anything wrong with me. But I did not hear that. I am certain it was directed at me and what she was saying to me.

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Todesking
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09 Sep 2010, 12:44 am

Dnuos wrote:

It probably wouldn't have drawn such an unpleasant scene if you calmly said something like, "And you're a single mother at age 24 with three children... so you're telling me this, why?" Anger in a non-hostile situation isn't usually a good thing. Worst case scenario, it would still have been more acceptable to sound like a smart-aleck or a know-it-all, but not aggressively as it sounds.

According to my brother his girlfriend's friends got a kick out of it because I was so quiet and easy going then I let loose out of blue like a pitbull .

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nova2012
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09 Sep 2010, 12:45 am

Todesking wrote:

nova2012 wrote:

I'm still confused, unfortunately. You're saying that after your reply, someone said that about her looking for daddy #4? In that case, it sounds like they took your comeback in stride and were playing along... in which case I fail to see the major problem, besides her being offended (but frankly, like I said, this is a live-and-learn type deal, particularly if you don't care much for her in the first place).

Chronos
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09 Sep 2010, 12:52 am

Todesking wrote:

I don't think she was trying to humiliate you. NT's can be socially inept too sometimes. I'm sure you have done things in the past which were good intentioned that had upset others or had been at the mercy of someone's forgiveness and understanding. I don't think it unreasonable that we extend that forgiveness and understanding to NT's.

Why do you automatically assume it was her goal to humiliate you anyway?

Skilpadde
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09 Sep 2010, 12:56 am

Todesking wrote:

Jerks mess with you and you are the who is mean for paying them back what they deserve. NTs... :roll:

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Sallamandrina
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09 Sep 2010, 1:05 am

I've learned to control myself better, but it could have been me saying what you said - word for word :lol:

It was an overreaction and it will be seen as rude, but she was the first one to break the social rules - offering unwanted advice out of the blue to someone who's practically a stranger (an older one too) and generally telling people what they should do is a big no-no (and it doesn't matter if your intentions are good). Those who do it expose themselves to hostility, although most "NTs" will put them in their place more smoothly. I try to learn to do this and it works better if I react early - before I get so annoyed with someone I'd like to bite their head off.

You know, it's entirely possible that she was trying to flirt with you. It happened to me in the past - I thought a guy was stupidly trying to provoke and pester me I and reacted with such contempt that he probably still hates me. I found out later he had a crush and thought he was flirting in an "assertive" manner :roll:

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Last edited by Sallamandrina on 09 Sep 2010, 1:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

spongy
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09 Sep 2010, 1:06 am

Chronos wrote:

When people offer advice, unsolicited or not, they usually do it because they have the good intention of helping.

So I'd have to say, the way you reacted was inappropriate.

All you really had to say was "I know you are trying to help but I really do not need your advice."

If she persisted you just needed to say louder and firmer, "I don't want to hear your advice. Please leave me alone." Even if you have to interrupt her to do it.

You should apologize for what you said to her. It was over the top.

They may have a good intention, however most of this people know when the other person doesnt want any advice.

He mentions his brother asked her to leave him alone, she should have just done that and this situation would have never happened.

What he said may be a little over the top, however some people need to be told over the top things otherwise they wont leave you alone.

Last edited by spongy on 09 Sep 2010, 1:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

Sallamandrina
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09 Sep 2010, 1:10 am

Fully agree with spongy

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