Is it easier for asocial aspies than social aspies?

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Joined: 29 Nov 2017
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12 Jan 2018, 4:32 am

I'm in between. Most of my life I never felt the need to be that social. It wasn't until I hit my twenties and let myself to rely on friendships that I started enjoying them. Once those friendships dissipated it felt so awful that I began blaming myself for putting my guard down. While I find myself at peace being alone and enjoy it, there's a need to have someone around sometimes. The thing is that the people that are around tend to annoy me or be to overwhelming for me. There's only about 1-3 people I'm comfortable being with, with everyone else and strangers, it can be too much of a struggle. I couldn't care less about being social as a teenager but like they said above, it is an important skill to learn since it helps to get ahead regularly in life. But it feels so awkward and such a foreign thing to do, I regularly don't enjoy it.

shilohmm
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12 Jan 2018, 3:08 pm

tldr answer to the question posed: I always thought it was easier for asocial aspies, but now I suspect I'm wrong.

Assembly wrote:

I imagine social aspies had a rough time growing up (wanting to fit in, rejection etc), but as adults they'll be the ones collecting the rewards.

The idea that one or the other is more advantageous at different points in life makes sense to me. But it's sort of like asking, "Which is worse, physical or sexual abuse?" Get a bunch of abused people together who've dealt with both, and some will say one, some the other. Or, for a less emotionally charged example, "Which personality type in system x (Myers Briggs, astrology, classic four temperaments) is the best?" The answer is always some combination of personal preference and "it depends." An advantageous trait in one situation can be a disadvantage somewhere else.

That said, as a naturally asocial person, I've always thought that must be easier than being someone who craves social interaction without the skills for it. But I also know that, because I don't want or need social interaction very badly, I haven't bothered to put in the effort someone more motivated would have. Meaning that, those rare times when I am lonely, there's not much I can do about it.

Although I think I'm also most lonely when I'm most frustrated with my work (writing), or frustrated about some other situation in my life. In other words, when I feel 'lonely', what's really happening is that I need encouragement. But maybe that's what loneliness is for most people? I'm not sure. For me, at any rate, I seem to need people when I feel like I'm failing myself.

I suspect loneliness can also be a need to be known and to be accepted as who you really are. That's the kind of loneliness I dealt with most as a teenager, anyhow. But as an adult in a tolerably good marriage, I don't deal with that type of loneliness anymore. My husband doesn't really understand me, and I wouldn't say we're soulmates or any of that, however he's seen me at my worst and still puts up with me, and he doesn't try to change me, both of which are huge good deals, IMHO.

Another form of loneliness, from my perspective, is a wish to be understood. I think that one ceased to be an issue, first, as I came to understand myself better (and could explain myself better to those who actually cared), and second, as I realized how many people I know who are close friends who "intuitively understand each other" are actually conforming to one another (and/or to some external standard), so the similarities are as much chosen as they are natural, if you see what I mean. Not that they're being dishonest -- they just put a lot of work into developing the relationship and working things out together so they know they're seeing it from the same perspective. People who "intuitively" understand each other 95% of the time seem to be either that type -- or one of them is a lying manipulator who is faking it.

Not willing to put in the work to be in the first type of friendship, and definitely am not interested in someone who is pretending to understand by letting me think they get it, so kind of lost interest in that whole thing.

On the one hand, approaching emotional states on such an intellectual level is likely one of the advantages of being somewhat asocial. OTOH, can someone truly understand emotional states (even their own emotional states) if they're always looking at them from outside? How do you develop an intuitive understanding of other people's emotional states (a crucial skill for socializing) if you approach them that way? That need to analyze emotional states is no doubt a disadvantage in itself, and I'd guess it's much more common to asocial aspies than to the social

Edna3362
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12 Jan 2018, 9:22 pm

I'm an asocial aspie with enough social fulfillments that could fill a social aspie. So I'll be fine either or both way/s -- I don't get lonely, and I'm not easy to exhaust.

In my opinion an asocial aspie is best around introverted individual like detached cultures.
Social aspies, however, would be best surrounded with cultures with similar like autistic empathy regardless of how orderly, sensory friendly, how more emotional or social the culture is.

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Veggie Farmer
Snowy Owl

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12 Jan 2018, 10:29 pm

I really like your post Shilohmn!

I think its less a matter of which type has it easier than if you can find the right environment for your needs. I wasted years trying to be a social person, and judging myself harshly for never getting that right. Then I decided, fork this shirt, I’m not playing this game anymore, if I’m going to be a loser, I’ll be a loser on my own forking terms. So when my husband agreed, I set off on the Year of No Fear. I quit my teaching job (I honestly don’t know how I managed to hold on for fifteen years in public education, because its evil!) bought some land, and unleashed my first book on that giant retail site we all know. I yanked my low-functioning son out of the torture program masquarading as therapy and settled into my happy new life. I’m lucky that it all worked out, so that I can now spend my workdays with my kids, veggies, and fictional characters, and I find all of them much more engaging than my past co-workers. (Well luck played a role, but so did the many tedious hours of shoveling compost and playing draft-tag with my editor!) I like humanity in general. I find myself really liking so many of the posters on this website and I truly hope everyone finds the companionship they seek, but in my private life, I’ve reached ‘Peak People’.

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firemonkey
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12 Jan 2018, 11:41 pm

Aspiezone wrote:

I'm asking this because I can't really relate to the need of having a lot of company. I simply need to talk for a set amount of time and then I'm satisfied. Too much socializing exhausts me and it's simply not enjoyable past a certain point. I love being alone or with one other person. I have no problem being alone as long as I have things to do. It seems socially inclined aspies are the ones who suffer most and asocial aspies are the ones who are most comfortable with their condition.

For me beyond seeing family I'm not strongly invested in engaging with other people. Ie I won't go out of my way to do so. If I do engage though I'll be kind and polite,though no doubt somewhat socially awkward.
Sometimes a little light goes on in my head that says "I'm bored with my own company" outside of that I'm not rushing to socialise.

Having said that there's a part of me that probably self stigmatises on the issue ie I must be a little flawed because I don't have friends and struggle to engage with others. A part of me that buys into "You'd be a better person if you had/could do those things"

Chronos
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19 Jan 2018, 9:45 pm

When I was asocial I "dodged a lot of bullets" as people did not consider to involve me in their problems, but I had more difficulty navigating life. Now that I am more social, I can navigate most daily situations but people try to drag me in to their problems a lot more.

HistoryGal
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20 Jan 2018, 9:03 am

Unfortunately not everyone can afford to quit their jobs. It usually takes two incomes to survive.

I'd love to be one of those community volunteer ladies a couple days a week but I had to go back to paid employment.

Veggie Farmer
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20 Jan 2018, 6:06 pm

HistoryGal wrote:

I’m sorry you had to go back to paid work! I hope you can someday find a way you can volunteer instead!

I agree it’s become impossble to live a modern lifestyle without two good incomes. Quitting worked for us because child care was eating up 40% of my take home pay, with another 30% going to clothes/gas/restaurant meals, and we were able to make drastic changes in our lifestyles. I was able to make up for the lost income by keeping my son home with me, growing and preserving food, cooking all meals from scratch, buying only neccessities, and producing some income from sales. (The unexpected bonus was that all the unprocessed fresh food significantly improved our health and lowered our medical expenses.) Our lifestyle is unusual and challenging, but it works well for us.

You know you’re asocial when you’d rather shovel composted cow manure all day than work with other people!

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Stradaniye
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22 Jan 2018, 2:13 pm

I think both groups of people have their own unique struggles, and of course it really depends on the person. As for me personally, I wouldn't place myself in either group, so I wouldn't know how it is to be in either one. I desire to be around people, yet my mental battery still runs out after awhile, so I'd still consider myself an introvert. My ASD and anxiety also prevent me from being as social as I'd like to be.

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25 Jan 2018, 9:11 pm

Chronos wrote:

By involving you, do you mean actually making you a part of their issue? Or was it just sharing their problems with you? Because that can be exhausting as well.

Through everyone has their own issues, I always thought I had it easier. People I lived with would come up to me with their problems and I would always think "wow, I really have nothing of that" so I felt alright. But it could be very exhausting. It makes it harder to cope when you're actually going through something. Now I try to be more social, but only pay attention and offer advice to people who ask for it. Thankfully I haven't felt like they're dragging me into their problems. I usually deem that type of person as a toxic one and slowly but surely, step away from that relationship.

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