Wearing a mask

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That's all well and good when it comes to one's personal life (and I agree; I'd rather be myself and alone than wear a mask and have "friends"), but in a work situation, it is often, to quote a show which seems to be much-loved around here, "a non-optional social convention," so it's a useful skill to have for anyone who isn't independently wealthy.

Metaphorically, right?

I was taught that making a mask and wearing it was the only way to survive. But my mask has always been a failure. At least it presented something more forgivable than the real me. I was terrified of removing it for my boyfriend. The most un-fake guy in the world. I was used to mask, that I was fake. I have always tried to be as fake as possible. to be nice, to be patient, to be the hero. When on the inside, I knew insanely well that I'm a villan. an unwilling villan. I still try to hide my true face, the face I hate. The face I only find beautiful after crying. I don't believe I can be the true me and still be loved. By nature I'm over-talkative, boring, self-pitying, tactless, and butting in everyone's business. I don't think anyone will like me that way. So by mask I'm quiet, accepting, and optimistic. It's much easier to like me that way. But the mask tends to fall once in a while.
My "friends" view me as good, true (which is terribly, terriblt wrong), naive, bubbly and patient.
My family views me as quiet, short-tempered, and a loner.

As said, the only one who sees the real me is my boyfriend. I love him the way he is, because he's able to be proud of who he is, unlike me.

"You'll only get fake friends with masks"

Not so - in my experience anyway. I never got any fake friends. Maybe the wrong mask?

The REAL possible > actual friends have recognized the mask and understood the implications, and THEN we can both take off our masks.

Actuall spent a week recently in an evironment where we - family and friends - could unmask pretty well all the time. Fantastisch.

So maybe everybody does this - not just people with Aspergers. Or is there something different about the way aspies go about it?

Years ago I was convinced by therapists to put on more sociable masks in order to make other people more comfortable. I was told that I if I do this I don't have to be more than just that superficially sociable. So I finally adopted that. Stressful and difficult but I learned to do it almost passingly adequately.I don't like it. People read more into me more fellow feeling than is there. And people constantly try to push me to socialize more because they insist I really like it.

In non-work situations I'm starting to be my true self more and communicate my real reactions more and people react by trying to reframe them and/or push me into more social situations as if more exposure will change my mind (I'm 57 yo). A lot of people, especially political correct clones, need the illusion that the human world is one happy mass of sameness more than the truth. But I've gone on strike.and it is good. And honest, and congruent.