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Depression Over Not Feeling Like a Proper Adult

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Severus
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08 Oct 2010, 5:44 am

Good for you anyway!



Moog
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08 Oct 2010, 5:46 am

I think adulthood isn't all it's cracked up to be.


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necroluciferia
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08 Oct 2010, 5:58 am

I feel like a total failure when I think of the way I am. I'm 26 and don't feel like an adult at all sometimes, because my partner goes out to work and deals with all the bills - I can't work and can't deal with any of that stuff because I can't manage finances or deal with people on the phone and although I try and live a structured life when I sink into depression it just all goes out of the window.



wavefreak58
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08 Oct 2010, 6:09 am

Just what is a 'proper adult'?

Ultimately, you are the one that defines meaning in your life. Allowing others to define your role in this world leads to serious frustration.



Severus
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08 Oct 2010, 6:35 am

wavefreak58 wrote:
Just what is a 'proper adult'?

Ultimately, you are the one that defines meaning in your life. Allowing others to define your role in this world leads to serious frustration.


Good point.



Kiseki
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08 Oct 2010, 7:44 am

wavefreak58 wrote:
Just what is a 'proper adult'?

Ultimately, you are the one that defines meaning in your life. Allowing others to define your role in this world leads to serious frustration.


I guess what I mean is there are certain milestones I should have definitely reached by now and yet haven't. I also still dress like a kid and feel incredibly uncomfortable looking like a "woman." It makes me feel weird hanging out with other women who look professional and grown-up.



Severus
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08 Oct 2010, 7:46 am

Kiseki wrote:
I also still dress like a kid and feel incredibly uncomfortable looking like a "woman." It makes me feel weird hanging out with other women who look professional and grown-up.


Exactly the same here but I find it a bit - for want of a better word - liberating.
But then from what I've gleaned from TV, in my job people are expected to look odd, just the same stereotype as with computer programmers and forensic specialists. (Not that I think that TV characters are real but from what I've seen, NTs get a lot of their opinions from popular misinformations). So, perhaps, I am not working hard enough on that because I feel no pressure.



Last edited by Severus on 08 Oct 2010, 7:55 am, edited 2 times in total.

wavefreak58
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08 Oct 2010, 7:51 am

Kiseki wrote:
wavefreak58 wrote:
Just what is a 'proper adult'?

Ultimately, you are the one that defines meaning in your life. Allowing others to define your role in this world leads to serious frustration.


I guess what I mean is there are certain milestones I should have definitely reached by now and yet haven't. I also still dress like a kid and feel incredibly uncomfortable looking like a "woman." It makes me feel weird hanging out with other women who look professional and grown-up.


I guess I've learned that many of the milestones of which you speak are simply shallow social conventions imposed by a herd mentality. Anyone outside those norms, whether AS or even just different, is pressured into that conformity, sometimes not so gently or subtly. A great deal of frustration can be eliminated by abandoning such artificial expectations and examining your own strengths and weakness in an effort to set YOUR milestones.

If you are on the autism spectrum, you ARE fundamentally different. Why should it be unreasonable that the measure of success in your life should also be different?



Kiseki
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08 Oct 2010, 8:32 am

Severus wrote:
Kiseki wrote:
I also still dress like a kid and feel incredibly uncomfortable looking like a "woman." It makes me feel weird hanging out with other women who look professional and grown-up.


Exactly the same here but I find it a bit - for want of a better word - liberating.
But then from what I've gleaned from TV, in my job people are expected to look odd, just the same stereotype as with computer programmers and forensic specialists. (Not that I think that TV characters are real but from what I've seen, NTs get a lot of their opinions from popular misinformations). So, perhaps, I am not working hard enough on that because I feel no pressure.


Maybe I need to find a job like yours! There is 1 other person at work I know similar to me. He's a guy but we both basically dress like bums. We each have 1 favorite pair of pants we wear everyday and we never wear jackets like we are supposed to. All the girls dress pretty feminine though so I feel out of place.



Kiseki
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08 Oct 2010, 8:35 am

wavefreak58 wrote:
Kiseki wrote:
wavefreak58 wrote:
I guess I've learned that many of the milestones of which you speak are simply shallow social conventions imposed by a herd mentality. Anyone outside those norms, whether AS or even just different, is pressured into that conformity, sometimes not so gently or subtly. A great deal of frustration can be eliminated by abandoning such artificial expectations and examining your own strengths and weakness in an effort to set YOUR milestones.

If you are on the autism spectrum, you ARE fundamentally different. Why should it be unreasonable that the measure of success in your life should also be different?


You are absolutely right. But unfortunately we all do have to go out into society and, being faced with people who bring up these differences, makes me just wanna stay in the house!

I'm not sure if I have AS or not. I just meet most of the criteria and can certainly associate. I don't know any other people like me, with the kind of issues I have.



wavefreak58
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08 Oct 2010, 8:40 am

Kiseki wrote:

Maybe I need to find a job like yours!


This is an important observation. Your choice of career and place of employment are critical in the context of your differences. In some work environments, conformity is critical to success, especially at the entry level. Brilliance in an endeavor garners a higher tolerance of eccentricity, but at the entry level, brilliance is not usually evident.

(note: as I am writing this, I keep thinking - good lord - I'm pedantic and formal to an extent that must be annoying even to Aspies. Sigh ... :shrug:)



Severus
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08 Oct 2010, 8:48 am

Kiseki wrote:
Maybe I need to find a job like yours! There is 1 other person at work I know similar to me. He's a guy but we both basically dress like bums. We each have 1 favorite pair of pants we wear everyday and we never wear jackets like we are supposed to. All the girls dress pretty feminine though so I feel out of place.


:lol: Well there's another option too, there are a lot of jobs that require wearing uniforms so the differences in clothing style are not obvious. By this I mean general biological and medical science labs. There's a bonus too - you usually are left well alone to do your job. Remember Dr. Laurel Weaver, the forensic examiner in Men In Black I? To quote: 'I hate the living'. Well to me she seems to be an Aspie who has found their professional niche.

wavefreak58 wrote:
(note: as I am writing this, I keep thinking - good lord - I'm pedantic and formal to an extent that must be annoying even to Aspies. Sigh ... :shrug:)


Well in any case I enjoy reading your posts. Which might be not that good after all, provided that it's usually me who gets people bored stiff.



Kiseki
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08 Oct 2010, 8:59 am

Thank you, above people :) I don't know what the hell kind of job I would be good at though! Right now I am teaching English and I actually do like doing this, especially teaching kids cuz I can be my usual weird self and the kids don't notice. I teach an HFA boy at the moment as well and he absolutely adores me.

I don't wanna do a job where I am completely alone cuz that would make me depressed. But I need to be able to be left alone to do the job the way I want to.



Severus
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08 Oct 2010, 9:08 am

Kiseki wrote:
Thank you, above people :) I don't know what the hell kind of job I would be good at though! Right now I am teaching English and I actually do like doing this, especially teaching kids cuz I can be my usual weird self and the kids don't notice. I teach an HFA boy at the moment as well and he absolutely adores me.

You seem to be doing a really , really good job then.


Kiseki wrote:
I don't wanna do a job where I am completely alone cuz that would make me depressed. But I need to be able to be left alone to do the job the way I want to.


That's what I actually meant.



Last edited by Severus on 08 Oct 2010, 9:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

wavefreak58
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08 Oct 2010, 9:09 am

Kiseki wrote:
Thank you, above people :) I don't know what the hell kind of job I would be good at though! Right now I am teaching English and I actually do like doing this, especially teaching kids cuz I can be my usual weird self and the kids don't notice. I teach an HFA boy at the moment as well and he absolutely adores me.


Seems to me you are on the right track. You are easing into an environment that tolerates your differences and is also giving you some satisfaction.

Perhaps all you need is some patience.



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08 Oct 2010, 10:29 am

Kiseki wrote:
druidsbird wrote:
GlassOnion wrote:
Is 5 times the maximum number of times you're allowed to take the driving test? I took the test 10 times before I finally passed. Stressful but definitely worth it.


I ran a stop sign and skidded to a halt in an intersection, and almost hit another car turning right into traffic, during my test, not to mention confusing the brake pedal with the gas pedal a couple of times, and the instructor still passed me.


Jeez! All I did was run up on the curb when parallel parking and the guy failed me. I wish I could take the test wherever you are!


Utah.


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