Having Children

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I think this thread has a really good composition of the various feelings and issues I notice on the parenting board. On the one hand, being an AS parent to an AS child gives a window into the world of the child that is harder for NT's to find. On the other hand, the parent's sensory issues and other AS related needs can get messed with pretty badly in a household with young children that have their own needs.

No one, AS or NT, has any real idea what they are getting into when they become a parent. Parenting is a messy process that challenges and changes you and your perceptions of the world, and what is important. But, it is also incredibly beautiful. If you are drawn to it, you plunge right in. If you are not, then you avoid it.

I wonder all the time if i want to have children or not. In a sense, i'd love to have a family. My sister has a 3 year old boy and he stays over at our place pretty often and i enjoy every second of it and really miss him when he's gone. But as i kick back on the couch, completely exhausted, i truly wonder if i am capable of having a child in my privacy for the rest of my life. And atleast the first 20 years. Not just for myself, but also for my kids. My sister tells me i am a great auntie, and i teach her son so many things, but when i am with him, theres no room for myself much at all. There is no withdrawl time, and thats ok for a weekend but is that ok for a lifetime? I know many parents deal with this and they get very tired of having their children around (phsycially) but my tolerance level is pretty low, so... I dont know if id be doing the kid a favour, being an autistic mom.

And what if i had an autistic kid? Which is very well possible.
I can't wrap my head around that. I dont know if i have the strength.

Well, i have to come to terms with it all sooner or later. I'm almost 30. Dont have much time left.

Ah, happymusic, I think it would be wonderful to see you running around with a bunch of little Ninjas (a Ninja brood?). A guy I knew years ago said the best thing about kids is practicing to make them, then making them. He didn't mention anything about parenting.

Having a child is more rewarding in some ways than I thought it would be, but it is still very difficult. The best thing is now I have someone to get me a diet cherry coke out of the fridge. The privileges of being king of the lair. *Smiles then runs off to do the things his wife told him to do an hour ago*

You could have lots of time left, or you could have passed your time ... that is the funny thing, you never actually know. You only know what the odds are for each age group as a whole. But you aren't odds, you are an individual.

Basically, I don't think one should sweat the clock when it comes to making the decision. If you want kids, you should enter the process, because assumptions that "there is plenty of time" can turn false. If you don't want kids, you avoid the process. If you aren't sure, sometimes you just let the passage of time decide for you.

When you do decide to enter the process, I do suggest making a decision beforehand as to how far you are willing to go to make parenthood a reality, and what options you are willing to pursue if it turns out it doesn't happen for you naturally. Once you board the train, so to speak, it can be incredibly difficult to get off. It really helps to know the name of your stop, because there are many ethical and financial decisions involved as each stop passes and you consider going to the next one. Making those decisions when you are already on the train is much more difficult than making them before boarding.

I'm expecting to be and I have wanted kids since I was about five years old and then in my adulthood I was never sure if I should have any or not even though I still wanted to have them. After seeing how I can't cook or how I can't handle stress and how am I going to be a good mother if I can't deal with lot of stuff and the fact when my kid gets older, his or her school work is going to get harder and harder and my child is going to bring home school reports they need to do and how am I going to help them with that? I figured maybe I will meet a man who can do all those things but my husband is learning disabled too and wouldn't be able to help with homework either but he can cook and I am just learning how to. Plus the costs of raising one and I don't want to end up with a severe handicapped one. Plus I never want to be a single mother and the fact my ex would have made a lousy father and my home was only one bedroom so I had no room for a child. Then there was my last ex and it wasn't right to have kids then either because of his money problems and he couldn't even afford to care for his child and always needed to borrow from his grandparents. Also the fact the kind of environment I was living in. Then I met my husband and didn't feel ready to have kids then either because of our jobs (the hours) and money wise.

I decided to only have one kid and now I want two but right now I want to have one. That's all the room we have in our apartment is for one child. Thank goodness, no twins.

well i'm not quite sure if i want children i cannot choose to want them or not want them. Ive had a taste of motherhood myself and back then i really wanted to be a mom and make it work. But now, with everything i know, i really wonder if its in the childs best interest if i became its mother. because if i want to be a mother, i want to be a GOOD mother. If i can barely keep my own head together, then how on earth am i going to be a good mother? Sure, people survive and all that, i had a rough childhood myself and i am okay, but am i willing to let a child go through 'a rough childhood' because i want to have kids?
In most women i see, wanting kids is a powerful force within them. Most women i know who got children all say "when you're a mom, those skills, time and etcetera come to you naturally. Its an unknown force unleashed and you will manage aswell"

I'd love to put my trust in all that, but i can't. So, i'm not sure if i want kids. But i do feel the pressing of the time even though i know i might not be able to have babies at all (i miscarried twice, both pregnancies were an accident).

There are also certain uncertainties that practically every parent has, but i believe its all a tiny bit harder in my case, and that's about work. I'm in a semi stable financial position at the moment but it's not a good position. I'd either have to find a different job or quit altogether, while i should actually find an autistic-proof job with extra hours so that i can pay for the children AND for childcare. In other words, i'm not in a good position so my child won't be either. And that really influences my choice of me wanting children as I don't yet have or feel that natural urge.

My wife and I have two sons. I always knew I was different---My diagnosis of Asperger's came after having children. Would this have changed our minds to have children? No, it would not.

Are the odds of having a child on the autism spectrum increased when a parent is on the autism spectrum? Yes, I believe so. And the genetics for autism can clearly be seen in my family.

How did our children turn out? The youngest was diagnosed with Asperger's, and the oldest shows many Asperger traits.

What does this mean for our family? We have a lot of fun together, and we wouldn't want our children any other way. Our kids enjoy their lives along with the special intense interests that Asperger's has given them. We are a very close family. I am very thankful for my children and the way that they are.

I don't want to have children. I fear that I would pass it on. I don't think it's a bad thing to have Asperger's. I just wouldn't choose to have my son or daughter having it, and if that's inevitable, I'd rather not have children at all. Perhaps I'll adopt eventually. But... maybe not. I'm not so sure a child would benefit from being raised by me at all.

I really TRIPPED when I read THIS one until I realized that the poster was a WOMAN! I, too, am fairly self-absorbed and get WORN/STRESSED OUT from the SAME kind of things!

SOME people REALLY DON'T GET that my INNER STATE is NOT CONDUCIVE to PARENTING! What's WORSE is that these SAME PEOPLE somehow believe that THEY have the right to determine that I should WANT to have kids!

I made up my mind when I was four that I was never going to get married, let alone have children. I'm 23 and still haven't changed my mind about it. I'm getting a hystorectomy so I will never have them anyway.

You can look forward to your next meal because of society.

ruveyn

I had 3 kids before I had ever heard of AS. If I could I would have more.
Pregnancy and the outcome were always a very exciting experience.
If you rationalise something too much nothing will ever happen.
No one will ever know what the future will bring so just plunge in.

If an Aspie and an NT go upstream to spawn there is a very good chance the child will be NT. Being an Aspie, if it is genetic (as opposed to environmental) is a recessive characteristic. However if an Aspie mates with an Aspie the chances of producing an Aspie child are increased.

ruveyn

having kids is a life long attachment that comes with joy and sorrow. If you have a child with issues they will likely need support long after they have reached "adult" age. Be prepared for this.

There are many appointments and sceduled activities when kids are school age. This was very hard for me while my kids were young. There can also be many conflicts to deal with.

It was very hard for me and I don't know if I would have done it if I'd known ahead of time what it would be like.

When I do get married, I know I will want a baby once I'm settled. But when I am pregnant with it I am going to have special tests to see if the baby will be Autistic or not (apparently I've heard you can have tests for unborn babies now). And if it has Autism I will abort, and if it doesn't, I will keep.

If they don't identify any horrible mental conditions, I will keep it. If you think there's any neurological conditions what are worse than Autism, I'd like to hear it.

They absolutely can't see if your unborn baby will be autistic. Where did you hear such nonsense?