Have You Ever Failed Goals?

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yes. but i always try and try again, so thats all that matters

The other day, in another thread, I was responding to someone who thought he was "a huge failure," and I said that failures are actually really important learning experiences. Not pleasant, but important. Aspies are not cut out for a whole bunch of things -- to put it mildly! In order to find happiness, it's really essential to figure out what jobs we can perform, where we feel comfortable living, who we feel connected to, etc.

I look at some of my "successes" -- like moving to New York City, becoming a lawyer, getting married -- and wish they had been failures right from the start. I know this sounds CRAZY. But, here me out. I live somewhere that gives me panic attacks; I have a career that makes me feel *constantly* on edge and uncomfortable; and my marriage failed after 10 years. So, what looks (or looked) pretty good from the outside is (or was) actually wreaking havoc on the inside. I wish I had "failed" at living in NYC and moved somewhere quiet and serene; I wish I had become a paralegal and found out that law firms are *horrible* places for Aspies to work; and I wish my girlfriend and future wife had broken up with me instead of wanting to stick it out and get married. All of those things would have felt like failures at the time for sure. But, they probably would have led me into successes that were right for me. Instead, I was *just* able to slip by in this Type-A NT world and thought I was making it. But, I am miserable here for the most part. My life is NOT A SUCCESS even if it has a certain successful looking veneer, and that's because I am very uncomfortable and dissatisfied.

I don't expect a lot of sympathy here, because it's true that I have achieved things that others want to achieve and can't. That's just my story -- just the facts. I simply want to point out that not everything that looks like success makes people wildly happy; and so-called failures can actually tell someone a lot about himself and potentially redirect him into an area of true success. When you fail at something, it's a hell of a lot more instructive to figure out *why* you failed than it is to dwell on the bare fact of failure. Aspies have strengths! Strengths that mere mortals don't have -- and thus the potential for HUGE success in specific areas. It's KEY to find those areas (even if they're very few) and ride the hell out of them -- straight to the top.

I used to make videos all the time, but since I’m now long term unemployed I don’t bother as much anymore. If your not making money out of your dream in this world then your dream is worth absolutely nothing.

Either way I get a lot of fulfilment out of comments like the ones you’ve made above so thanks. Whenever I’ve gone through life achieving all sorts of cool things and not even realizing it, I’ll assess that on my deathbed.

Now I’m just bracing myself for the worse days ahead whilst nostalgically remembering the great person I used to be. I have plenty of older Youtube videos that I’ve posted throughout this forum and shall be continuing to post for people to enjoy. I just don’t feel doing ‘new’ Youtube videos at the moment.



I think that life and happiness is a case of action rather than planning. Didn’t someone once say that life is what goes on whilst you plan for the future?

I’m content at the moment.

Tons.

Sorry, but this one annoys me. I want to be a professional guitar player, but now I have arthritis... Please tell me how that's a choice.

The problem I have with trite, supposedly "positive" sayings like that is that they end up being sticks to beat people who don't agree and to and blame them as if they are unreasonable for feeling sad that they had failed to reach goals.

For instance, let's say you had a family member who had a very hard and depressing life. They were disabled and extremely disadvantaged materially. Your main goal was to give them the things they were incapable of providing for themselves and bring a little material comfort and security into their experience at the end of a painful life. You planned how to achieve this and tried to do so for many years but were unable to do so in time. You were not capable of doing anything that you had planned, and this family member died in the same painful and poor condition that they had always lived.

That's a fail. It's not "only a fail because you believe so". It's something you tried to do, and failed. There is no future chance to achieve that goal.

It's not a "goal yet to be reached".

Let's be real. You can't blame people for feeling grief over failures as if, as you said, perception of failure was their "choice". Balanced and realistic positivity is good but taken too far and it actually becomes negative and rather insulting.

Last edited by Maolcolm on 06 Nov 2010, 7:14 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I've failed quite a few times to reach specific goals I had set for myself, and I think that some of those times things actually turned out for the better because of it. I think that failure, though frustrating when it happens, can sometimes be a pretty good teacher in the end.

And I know of an entire population of artists and musicians and other creative types in New York who would say just the opposite: that if you're doing it for the money, then it's worth absolutely nothing. It's lost its purity and therefore its soul.

But whatever. On to the more practical. I have a friend who used to work in the film industry (both in New York and Hollywood) as a lighting designer. She worked on one of the Spider-Man movies and The Thomas Crown Affair among others. I asked her to watch the video you posted. She asked me, "why isn't this guy working in film -- or comedy?!?"

Isn't the film industry pretty big? Like around $30 billion big? If you like film, do you figure there might be a spot for you there?


Any chance you could be convinced to alter your scheduling just a little? Like maybe take stock now and realize that you're pretty damn good at something, that you *are* accomplishing something (whether or not it's a conscious "goal"), and that really pursuing what you're good at might lead to more and more success?


Whoa. You're a young man with a lot to offer and tremendous creative potential. Why aren't you enjoying being the pretty cool guy that the "great person you used to be" has turned into? Sorry, but you're way too young to be "nostalgic." Besides, the past is like your ass. It's behind you.


Yes. John Lennon. Who was pretty much a loner and a loser and a dropout until he figured out that he was pretty good at something.

That's about as much of a choice as having AS is. That's not the point. The point is the decision you make now. Guitarists who develop injuries don't have to move back in with parents and play Guitar Hero all day or whatever. (Not at all saying you personally have done this -- just illustrating that they don't have to just give up.) They get a job in production, or teaching, or in a music store, or with an equipment manufacturer or distributor, etc., etc., etc. There are lots of alternatives out there for you. Even if it's not your #1 choice (and I know that sucks), at least it isn't game over.

Your 19
.

go back to uni

I discovered the hard way that I am neither physically nor emotionally suited to being a field biologist. Living 24/7 with your coworkers in a foreign country doing heavy physical work that is dangerous... Unfortunately I only figured this out as I was finishing my degree. I started doing chemistry lab work and liked it much better, but then I developed tendinitis and fibromyalgia and couldn't do it any more, nor could I find any work I could do.

But eventually better medication for the fibro. and a lifting of depression helped and I am currently working at a pet store very part time, which I enjoy even if I don't make enough money to live independently. Now if only I could get more hours... if I don't, I think I'm going to have to find something else I can do but now my hands are somewhat better maybe I can actually do so.

What I'm trying to say is sometimes a seemingly hopeless situation will eventually change and even if you didn't get where you intended to go you may still end up somewhere that's worth being. I hope this is so for you.

It's still a goal that I set myself and I failed. True, I could set myself a new goal.

I have never been to university and can't get in now. It would take years of initial study. Studying of subjects like English which I had major problems with and would need extra support with. And for that, I would need a diagnosis.

+1

That's what I am (and have been) saying, too. Just nowhere near as eloquently. Thanks -- that's a wonderfully concise and incredibly encouraging thing to hear. We should all write this down...

I think if I was earning a living elsewhere from something else I’d probably think the same. However I also think that money is misunderstood. Money as it is today has in fact made the world richer, but its unfortunately that people with very perverse agendas give money a bad name and have used money to make the world not a very nice place.

You put money into the hands of artist and musicians and tell them to do something good with it then there will!



For starters I live in a struggling city in England that has pretty much zilch links to the film industry. Ok we have a BBC studios and an ITV studios. I’ve been in the BBC studios once when I went onto the radio to be a ‘resident dancer’. Basically on air I’d dance and the radio host would tell the listeners what I’m doing. Click HERE for that interview and here is the dancing in the studios -

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1GfnmDGFr8[/youtube]

What I need more than anything is someone who actually wants to help me get into the industry and has the time to get me in. Everything in the UK industry wise is in London and I couldn’t afford to live in London. Hollywood and New York is very much a pipe dream. I’ll probably always do my videos from time to time but I’ve hit a really hard patch right now thanks to two years of Hell that you can read all about HERE.

I believe that the industry is all about what you can do and who you know. Maybe your friend could pass me onto a few people who might be interested and be able to help out.

You’d even like to think that Alex Plank has links to that industry.



Like I said above I’ve had a pretty bad two years. I’ve started to question whenever this creativity is worth it. Yes I get the great attention of people, but IRL I spend much of my time inside and don’t talk to people much. Although I’m trying to change that now.

I had a breakdown two weeks ago which resulted in a trip to the Happy farm (hospital) and got diagnosed with Aspergers a few days after that breakdown. Then last Friday I got a six month sick leave from the ‘job centre’ which is a horrible institution in England where you go if your unemployed. Welfare is different in England and you can get it for life.

However I don’t want to be stuck on welfare all my life and that’s all it seems like at the moment.

I’ve swapped welfare centres for hospitals!

I get that you live there. I don't get that you're stuck there.


So I'm not the only one who recognizes something in you.


That's probably not going to happen. Gotta take charge here yourself.


No one can afford to live in London. Any yet lots of people do.


Fantastic, so you do have dreams. Follow 'em. Way I see it, you don't have a lot to lose, here, right?


I read it all and felt badly for your troubles. But, that's not what you need. You need people to visit other parts of your site -- and you need to expand it. Your music is unique, totally fresh, strange, and engaging. You remind me tons of the '80s-era Shaun Ryder.


Yes, some of both.


I'll ask. It would probably require coming to New York and doing lighting/electrics (or something else only semi-creative) and working long hours. You'd be decently-paid, though -- enough to live on. $50K/yr. minimum with all the overtime.


I'm sorry to hear that. Let's all try to keep it together. 'Cause we can.


I know it seems that way now. But, "all your life" is hopefully a hell of a long time. Give yourself a chance. You got out once (to Italy), right? Something tells me you can do it again.

The only successful thing I've ever done is graduate high school. Does that answer the question?