AS caused big fight with "friends"

Post Reply New Topic

TiaMaria -

I may be mistaken, but your reply to me seemed a bit defensive. My intention was not to chastise you, nor to single you out as behaving "badly." If I inadvertently caused offense, please accept my apology.

The OP seems to have had problems due, in part, to similar behavior, and you seemed to indicate that you did not understand why such behavior might be considered rude. I was attempting to give an explanation of my understanding of why it is often considered improper. I did this partly because I felt it might be helpful to others, and partly to give others an opportunity to correct me if my thought process was misguided.

By all means - if what you are doing works for you, don't change it because of my comments! Conversely, if my explanation helps others avoid, or better understand why they have, problems with their social interaction, well, that's a good thing.

I think that we're somewhat talking past each other. Let me try again...

My question doesn't really focus on the "how" of it, but on the "why" of it. In other words, what is it that inspires you to go online, make a lot of virtual friends, and then follow up with in-person meetings? I know how to make friends ("be a good friend" like you said, for example), and I've had friends. But, I've lost them all -- principally because I haven't called or texted them back or replied to e-mails. There's no particular reason why I haven't kept up my half of friendships; I just generally didn't see the need for, or value in, doing so. That's what I'm asking you. You must know that lots of us with AS do this sort of thing -- don't return phone calls, etc. -- and we don't really know why. Again, "why" -- not "how." Why do you do it?



Me neither. These can't be the only AS "symptoms" that you identify with, though, can they? (I do know you eat in "rainbow" order, which I think is very cool!) AS has no greater effect on your social interactions???


I have the same lack-of-empathy issues with family members as I do with non-family members, unfortunately.

As you get older, you need to worry about this less and less. People tend to have their own lives and do their own thing. I think that your gf is more important to you than her friends. Besides, you can't really change who you are fundamentally. Don't get to down about it all.

Don't worry, I wasn't offended. Your advice was good for somebody trying to fit in. I was merely showing another side of the coin.. A person can work hard to conform in order to be accepted as someone they are not, or they can be themselves & find true friends who accept them as they are. My behavior is never going to be "normal" and a lot of people consider me rude, cold, aloof, stuck-up, etc. But the people who have taken the time to get to know me & see the real me are the only kind of friends I believe are worth having.

I just feel for the OP & don't believe they did anything wrong. I've gotten a lot of crap for being quiet, introverted, in my own world -- but I think it's from insecure people who need to get over themselves & stop taking everything personally. I think it should be OK to be different.

Raining Roses, you must remember that everyone is different. Just as all NTs are different, you can't assume everyone with AS experiences it the exact same as you. I enjoy conversation. Just as I enjoy talking to you here on this board, I enjoy texting people or talking in person while having coffee or a glass of wine with a friend. I stay in touch with people because I WANT to. That's why.

I've made many friends who have the same special interests as I do thanks to the Internet making it easy to find them. I have a good time talking about these things.. Just like I love coming here to talk about AS with others who care about it.

Not everyone who has AS has empathy problems. Just like not every NT has good social skills.

I think these are very good advices, valuable whether a person is AS or not. I don't think I have AS myself, however I do tend to lose interest if I am with a group of people who are talking about things that I don't care about, I don't use my iPod but I tend sometimes to simply get lost in my dreams and look away ... that's not good either lol, I'm sure it is probably perceived as rude.

Shadi

You're absolutely right on this. And I wouldn't expect exactness -- although I crave it in most areas of my life. I guess what I would expect, if "AS" is to mean anything, are some similarities. That is, if we both have AS, then we should have something in common, right? Otherwise, "AS" is just whatever each of us decides to call it. I know that AS is one of your "special interests" -- I think I read that somewhere else -- so that's why I'm looking to you, I guess.

Over the course of several posts, I've been trying to communicate what I consider to be my AS characteristics to you: great difficulty even in simple social interactions and complete lack of friends; an inability to go out in a group and handle the sensory overload of a bar/club atmosphere; and genuine empathy problems, even with family members. There are others, but let's just start with the social ones.



I'M SO CONFUSED! Although I thought maybe we could find some things to identify over, it's like we're completely different. I understand from earlier posts that you hum and pace a lot. I don't do that at all. (I work in an office setting where that would be totally inappropriate, so I've had to "train" the physical quirks out of me.) Maybe that's the "hallmark" that I'm missing??? I understand that you identify as quiet and introverted, but lots and lots of non-AS people do, don't they? I really thought this was more about *substantial* difficulty in basic social functioning of all types, often combined with obsessive and repetitive behaviors. And more, of course -- but that's where *I* identify most closely. Or so I thought. You've got to remember, though, that I'm "merely" self-diagnosed and still looking for confirmation. I look to you and others for that. If you have AS and manage a very full social life, don't have empathy issues, and enjoy environments like bars/clubs (so much so that you've worked in them, right?), then I'm probably in the wrong place. Maybe I just have OCD or ADD or something else -- or maybe nothing at all? All I can tell you is that this "nothing at all" is *crippling*.

Again, not everyone is the same. There is a very long list of symptoms, and not every person with AS has every single one of them. Not everyone will have empathy issues. And I do not have a full social life just because I'm online or texting all the time. That is not any more social than posting on this board, whether I know the people or not.

Also, I never said I enjoyed bars/clubs. I've been drinking for 15 years, and I've always done it at home. Yes, I've worked in clubs. For money. And for the sake of trying to conquer my fears. Not to "hang out" at them, because I don't do that in my free time. I do make an effort to challenge myself & force myself to do things I'm not comfortable with. I don't make excuses or let fears control my life. It's hard for me to even go grocery shopping because of the sensory overload, but I can't just stop eating. So I deal with it.

But you really should see a professional, not guess at if you have something or not based on how other people feel.