How do you know whether somone is just tolerating you?

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Joined: 19 Nov 2005
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16 Nov 2010, 1:18 am

I don't much care for friendship so it is easy for me. I just try to make sure I don't spend much time with anyone. That way they don't have to wish I would go away.
If you want people to call you there needs to be something to make them feel good.
You have to make them happy or laugh a lot or feed them or entertain them in some way.
People want to feel good. That's why they seek others out.
If you tell them about your AS to get them to tolerate you that will only get them to feel good if they like helping others like old ladies and injured animals.

ToughDiamond
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16 Nov 2010, 11:14 am

I don't usually know either. I usually err on the side of caution, which probably stifles a lot of potential friendships before they get a chance. Even when I feel there's some genuine interest, I'm very careful with my approaches and I make sure that I can't be made to look stupid if I should turn out to be wrong.

One good pointer is if they greet me in a situation where I'd probably not otherwise have noticed them......I can then reason that if they didn't like me, they could have pretended they hadn't noticed me. Sometimes I'll see them making a bit of effort with me, and that helps. But there's always the chance that they want me for something other than company, and are just "buttering me up" for a hidden purpose.

I don't find the fact of them helping me in an emergency very reassuring - it's reassuring that they'll help me in an emergency, which is good, but I think most people would do that for somenody they didn't like.

I don't worry too much about people who hardly ever contact me. I've known some people who seem to enjoy being with me but don't get in touch....sometimes they're just defending themselves like I often do. Other times it's a "conventional" woman who feels that I should do all the contacting because I'm male.

bee33
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16 Nov 2010, 1:05 pm

katzefrau wrote:

if you're very shy or reserved or awkward / uncomfortable with people .. sometimes the people you end up knowing are the opposite because they are so much less inhibited about meeting people. then they might be people who can be a sort of bridge to more social interaction that would otherwise be difficult for you to initiate.

That has been my pattern throughout most of my life. Except for periods when I just had no close friends, I have usually had one friend (including boyfriends) who was more outgoing than I am and who served as a bridge to the outside world. On my own, I just feel lost and it's difficult to initiate anything because it's hard to tell if I am just being annoying, or I assume that I am annoying because I have no gauge to judge it by.

PangeLingua
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16 Nov 2010, 1:17 pm

Who_Am_I wrote:

the_curmudge wrote:

Here are some rules-of-thumb for recognizing those not interested. (Beware salesmen, actors and various predators, of course.)

1. They will not initiate contact with you.

2. After spending time with you they will be vague about a next meeting.

3. When with you their voice will not go up and down much, they will not smile a lot or assume a relaxed posture, they will make limited eye contact, they will not lean toward you or sit close to you and they will not touch you.

4. They will not tell you much about friends, family and work life, they will not reveal their flaws and failures, they will not joke about themselves and they will not ask you about your life.

5. If you are in need, they will show little interest in helping.

Oh dear. The first 4 points are good descriptors of me even if I DO like the person.
Point 4 only changes when I am very close to a person.

Same here.

I'm trying to get better at initiating contact though, since I have more control over that than things like my voice and eye contact.

Actually, I do make jokes about myself, too.

League_Girl
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16 Nov 2010, 2:51 pm

I wish I could tell. I never know if they are just tolerating me or not. At work you have to put up with people. At school you have to put up with your students.

But some people in this thread are giving great advice on how to tell so that helps. I have noticed that as well from people.

Philologos
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17 Nov 2010, 1:31 am

You can pretty much tell who is actually comfortable and enjoying you - and I suspect it is mostly reciprocal.

Most of the ones who tolerated me I was tolerating back.

Spent a lot of time clinging to the tolerating just to have some contact outside my head; but the more Inner Circle I have found the less I bother with toleration.

Shadi2
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17 Nov 2010, 1:43 am

PangeLingua wrote:

Who_Am_I wrote:

the_curmudge wrote:

Oh dear. The first 4 points are good descriptors of me even if I DO like the person.
Point 4 only changes when I am very close to a person.

Same here.

Same here too.

My guess would be if you try to talk to the person and realise she/he seems to be avoiding you, for example always being too busy to talk to you, or have to go somewhere, etc, this can happen once or even twice but if it is constantly like this I think it would mean the person is not interested.

Shadi

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samsa
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17 Nov 2010, 1:45 am

It's difficult to tell, and a generalized list can't account for the diversity in personalities (a shy person may not approach you, even if they like being around you, a very extroverted person may approach you even if they don't particularly like you.)

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