I respect and admire anyone who has been through this. I have a friend; venture to say even a father figure, whom I have had to cut off all but casual contact. I never saw what was happening, other than all my other friends were seeing how I'd come back from going to a car show, or other things I'd do with that friend, and I'd be in a negative, defeated frame of mind.
He would make little stabs at anything I did or wore, or people I'd mention. My clothes were juvenile, or my work habits were not up to par, etc. He said it all in a way that it SOUNDED positive, and even supportive... "You're smart enough to do a better job", "You would look more businesslike if you didn't wear motocross-style shirts", "Your girlfriend is dragging you down, and isn't good for you", etc. Very confusing! I finally realized, by watching that friend's own adult children pull away from him and all of a sudden become more successful and happy people, that the friendship was a ball & chain. I still spend time with him, as we've been friends since I was 17 or 18 after my father died. But I was able to cut off the emotional burden, by not responding to his criticisms, and by responding to inflammatory remarks with a blank question rather than a defense. So if he says "Those boots make you look like a low-class lumberjack", I respond "Is that how they look?... Does that embarrass you to be in the company of a low class lumberjack?" That shuts him right up. In the past, I'd have said "What are you talking about? These boots are not low class", or something like that in defense.
Charles
29 Nov 2010, 1:01 pm
