Lashing out vs withdrawal

Post Reply New Topic

I used to have a lot of anger issues in the past, and I used to lash out at whoever got in my way as a child. I grew out of the violent aspects of my condition, but I still have anger issues whenever I am under any kind of stress. I am very fortunate to have a job that provides very little stress, I have no issues in my life that make it stressful, and I practice yoga to calm my mind and senses for good measure. Since I have almost no stress at all in my life, whenever anyone starts pushing my buttons, I react with very little emotion whatsoever. My reaction is usually something like, "You are deliberately provoking me ... why?" which tends to further anger the perpetrator. I don't know if you would call this withdrawal or not, but that is usually my reaction. If I am under any stress, I am still generally pretty calm when provoked (comparatively speaking), but I fantasize what I would really like to do to them, which is to beat them to a bloody pulp. I don't follow through with this fantasy, thank goodness. - LJS

I've done both, but since most of my meltdowns have gone away, praise God, I don't do so much.

However, I can empathize (for lack of a better term) with those of you who were hit during meltdowns by parents trying to control them. The common definition of a temper tantrum is a child acting out on purpose for attention; I never had one temper tantrum. All meltdowns. However, I got hit like they were all temper tantrums. It got to the point where, inside my head, I was begging myself to control it because I didn't want to get spanked. Never worked though.

Nowadays, when a meltdown tends to come on, I tend to want to shut down & cry a little bit to try to get myself in order. I can suppress it when ordered (which is all the time), but it sucks to suppress it. You feel like you're about to explode for the next two hours, at least.

That is my problem, I cannot supress at all,
it explodes outward anyway.

The worst ones I have no memory of,
only what parents told me, they learnt
very quickly not to strike me because
I was told I bit them and did alot of
damage doing it. They had to have a
doctor come to the house and stick
me with a needle that had some strong
knockout medicine in it so I would let go.

I just stay away from things that would
cause me to have those blackout-seizures.

It is one very important reason I stay
OUT of reships because if she struck me,
slapped me, etc, I could black out and bite
or scratch her severely, and I don't want that.

Upon further review, I suppose I have had a few good episodes that could be called meltdowns, even as an adult. I can recall a few real good outbursts that could be seen as highly unprofessional. Nothing physical, but certainly some high intensity anger.

Definitely had some has a child.

But nevertheless, my primary modality is to shutdown.