26 Dec 2010, 2:01 pm
I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your son. I am ashamed to say it, but aged 15, that would have been a pretty good description of me... aside from the being popular bit. I was not at all popular whatsoever. My Mum was in a pretty similar situation. On one hand she loved me as any mum would. On the other hand I was violent, full of rage and hatered towards the world. Most of my rage was directed at the person I loved the most, my Mum. It's really hard to explain what it was like from my point of view. It was like there was a massive build up of stress, anxiety and anger inside of me which I suppressed at school, but the second I got home BOOM! I wasn't just violent though, I smashed a lot of things, even things which meant a lot to me, which is how I know that I was out of control.
The problem was, you could stick as many meds into me as you wanted... the doctors did. They stabilized me for a short while then wore off, so they upped them... then they wore off... so they upped them until they could up them no more. They didn't stop me being angry or raging either, they only made a small difference to my mood. I had a really bad attitude for a LONG time that I was supreme, I was better than the 'low-life NTs', that other people were stupid and should respect me. Now that I look back on myself back then I actually cry. I feel awful that I was ever like that, but I was ill. I was also grieving for my Granny who died when I was 12 and I was being beaten by my Dad. Violence was the only way he and I knew to control the anger.
For many more years, until I was 19, I lived with my Mum, Step-dad and brother. Mum described me as a bully, which I always denied (but I was). She told doctors that the whole household was 'walking on eggshells' and that they were all worried about setting me off. One of my rage attacks could last for days when started. I was sent to a special needs residential college at this age. I got expelled half way through because I attacked someone with a TV remote after they told me to 'get back in my white van with the jacket'. I spent about four months at my Mum's, getting more and more reliant on her, yet more and more angry with her for not 'helping me' enough. Mental health services were utterly useless and nothing was getting through to me. I kept screaming that I needed help but no one listened... or so I thought...
One night, after a really bad argument, Mum told me to kill myself. I threatened to regularly, but never went through with it so she thrust a box of pills into my arms and said, 'go on then, do it'. I threatened her with a screwdriver (I think) then sort of swallowed loads of pills. I say sort of because they only went a bit down then I... regurgitated. Needless to say, with the threat of the screwdriver, which I was trying to use on myself, and the fact I had just 'downed' a load of pills (mum didn't see me regurgitate them), the police and ambulance were called. She followed through on a common threat to call them. Mum told them about the situation while I was checked over by some paramedics and told the police that jail wouldn't help me, I needed psychiatric help. I was bundled into the back of an ambulance and taken to a psychiatric ward.
The following three weeks in the ward were the worst three weeks of my life. I can't say they changed me, or made me a better person, but something happened in there. Finally the mental health services listened and found me a place in a residential home for autistic people with additional behavioural difficulties. I have been there for nearly 2 years now (well actually I moved into more independent accommodation recently) and I am getting my life back. I am no longer filled with anger and hatred. I still get violent impulses, but I am learning to stop and think before I act. More importantly, I feel alive again, whereas before I felt dead inside. Today (boxing day) I came home from my Mum and Step-dad's house after three days staying with them. There were NO arguments at all. I didn't cause any trouble. Not only are my Mum and Step-dad proud of me, I am as well.
I apologise for the essay, but I wanted to show you that it IS possible for your son to turn things around. All he needs is a professional placement where he gets the right help and support (My home refuses to call police for violent behaviour but instead helps you to regain control yourself unless the violence is serious). He also needs to decide for HIMSELF to make the change. As long as he has an attitude of 'there's nothing wrong with what I am doing', he won't change. You must keep reminding him that only HE can help himself. Others can help him along the way but he must do the main work. I would highly recommend finding a specialist home for him though because mine and my Mum's relationship has improved so much since I left home. Hope this all helped (and didn't give you a headache!)
_________________
I have HFA, ADHD, OCD & Tourette syndrome. I love animals, especially my bunnies and hamster. I skate in a roller derby team (but I'll try not to bite
)
26 Dec 2010, 2:24 pm
The problem was, you could stick as many meds into me as you wanted... the doctors did. They stabilized me for a short while then wore off, so they upped them... then they wore off... so they upped them until they could up them no more. They didn't stop me being angry or raging either, they only made a small difference to my mood. I had a really bad attitude for a LONG time that I was supreme, I was better than the 'low-life NTs', that other people were stupid and should respect me. Now that I look back on myself back then I actually cry. I feel awful that I was ever like that, but I was ill. I was also grieving for my Granny who died when I was 12 and I was being beaten by my Dad. Violence was the only way he and I knew to control the anger.
For many more years, until I was 19, I lived with my Mum, Step-dad and brother. Mum described me as a bully, which I always denied (but I was). She told doctors that the whole household was 'walking on eggshells' and that they were all worried about setting me off. One of my rage attacks could last for days when started. I was sent to a special needs residential college at this age. I got expelled half way through because I attacked someone with a TV remote after they told me to 'get back in my white van with the jacket'. I spent about four months at my Mum's, getting more and more reliant on her, yet more and more angry with her for not 'helping me' enough. Mental health services were utterly useless and nothing was getting through to me. I kept screaming that I needed help but no one listened... or so I thought...
One night, after a really bad argument, Mum told me to kill myself. I threatened to regularly, but never went through with it so she thrust a box of pills into my arms and said, 'go on then, do it'. I threatened her with a screwdriver (I think) then sort of swallowed loads of pills. I say sort of because they only went a bit down then I... regurgitated. Needless to say, with the threat of the screwdriver, which I was trying to use on myself, and the fact I had just 'downed' a load of pills (mum didn't see me regurgitate them), the police and ambulance were called. She followed through on a common threat to call them. Mum told them about the situation while I was checked over by some paramedics and told the police that jail wouldn't help me, I needed psychiatric help. I was bundled into the back of an ambulance and taken to a psychiatric ward.
The following three weeks in the ward were the worst three weeks of my life. I can't say they changed me, or made me a better person, but something happened in there. Finally the mental health services listened and found me a place in a residential home for autistic people with additional behavioural difficulties. I have been there for nearly 2 years now (well actually I moved into more independent accommodation recently) and I am getting my life back. I am no longer filled with anger and hatred. I still get violent impulses, but I am learning to stop and think before I act. More importantly, I feel alive again, whereas before I felt dead inside. Today (boxing day) I came home from my Mum and Step-dad's house after three days staying with them. There were NO arguments at all. I didn't cause any trouble. Not only are my Mum and Step-dad proud of me, I am as well.
I apologise for the essay, but I wanted to show you that it IS possible for your son to turn things around. All he needs is a professional placement where he gets the right help and support (My home refuses to call police for violent behaviour but instead helps you to regain control yourself unless the violence is serious). He also needs to decide for HIMSELF to make the change. As long as he has an attitude of 'there's nothing wrong with what I am doing', he won't change. You must keep reminding him that only HE can help himself. Others can help him along the way but he must do the main work. I would highly recommend finding a specialist home for him though because mine and my Mum's relationship has improved so much since I left home. Hope this all helped (and didn't give you a headache!)
Thank you for your honesty. It looks like you had a really rough time for awhile.
26 Dec 2010, 3:17 pm
I'm sorry. Did you just say that he is taking "pleasure" in what he's doing? You think that would be "pleasurable"?
. . .
Whoops, and there I was accusing *you* of making assumptions about the OP's family!
I'm sorry. Actually, I have no idea whether or not it's pleasurable for the young man to lash out at his family. I didn't even remember writing that word.
I think it just (Freudianly) slipped in there. I was thinking of the situation with my former partner, and in that case, I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he abused us recreationally. My ex is mentally ill, but his condition is one that causes suffering for the people around him rather than the person with the illness.
Again, I apologize. Perhaps I'll go back & delete, but it is against my new personal code. (see signature - perfectionism issues)
Last edited by Hermier on 26 Dec 2010, 3:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
26 Dec 2010, 3:17 pm
. It's ironic you try to use evolutionary theory to justify our supposed superiority when evolution has a lot to do with social skills, which is an area we're weak in. Yeah I'm sure everyone envies people who ignore social rules, when they actually see em contemptuously.Secondly, yes we suffer a lot of discrimination from society, but how is that supposed to excuse being a dick? There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with what he's doing? Get the f**k outta here. Anyways, I think the problem is that he seems to be narcissistic. The perfectionism and the fact that he feels entitled to making threats when he doesn't get his way points to this. The only thing I see the mother doing wrong is that she's not seeing his problems as stemming from his personality. The mother doesn't need to apologize for sh** since it's the son that's making selfish decisions.
He didn't turn that way overnight, it's a long term pattern of thought. Perhaps now that he sees that he's in a position of power, he started acting out from opportunism? I think you should have him see a mental health professional that deals with personality disorders as well as depression.
Well, there ya go. An expert in the NT way of dealing with it. "He's a lost cause. Pile on the defects until he goes away. Problem solved."
I already said the only thing the mother's doing wrong is seeing it as a mental illness, rather than as a defect in his personality. This has nothing to do with him not being accepted for his neurological differences, this has to do with him being narcissistic. His mother already said he's manipulative and controlling, so that sounds pretty consistent with his personality to me.
@Polgara: Yeah but this has nothing to do with AS. He's acting that way because of plain old selfishness.
26 Dec 2010, 3:40 pm
26 Dec 2010, 3:46 pm
26 Dec 2010, 5:49 pm
26 Dec 2010, 6:36 pm
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