The real reason I don't like hugging and touching

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Yes, I think I'd feel quite rejected if anybody said that to me. Could be construed as meaning you didn't like that person in particular to touch you. Maybe "I don't like being touched" would be less personal. Adding something like "I have sensory issues" might help - better to offer a reason than leave them wondering "why the hell not?" Is it me?"

Yep, agreed. I explained it like this once the "he's weird" thing had died down and the situation eased somewhat, although I can see it's still difficult for them to accept.
Some of the people I know are really touchy-feely and they'd often lunge out to kiss or hug without thinking about it - but now they do.

I think I'm the opposite. I can have an opposite sex hugging and kissing me on the cheeks, or even lift me up in the air, and still think "he's just being friendly". Well it's lucky I'm OK with those, as my husband's entire extended family seem to hug me a lot, all his aunts and uncles and people I hardly remember their names. Usually I don't mind as none of them seem to smoke or drink so no weird breath. Occasionally I wonder if they're testing to see if I feel sturdy or soft. One of my kids loves hugging, too, he used to hug me for a whole minute straight while gazing at my eyes.

I think Aspies either love or hate hugs. For those of us who love it, it's the deep pressure and warmth that makes it very nice feeling. I don't like being hugged by skinny people, I prefer the feeling of soft and round people. Luckily there's no shortage of them in Canada.

I don't view it as sexual but I've never been much of a hugs person. My brother's girlfriend drives me nuts because she's one of those girls that hugs everyone at every meeting. I've told her I don't do hugs, but she's stubborn about it for some reason. My brother thinks this is very funny (not in a hateful way, we just sort of bug each other like brothers do). There are 3 people I hug openly. My mother, my childhood babysitter who is like a 2nd mother to me, and my mother's friend who I also spent a lot of time with as a young child. It's more of a childlike behavior that I only engage in when I feel, well, childlike, so it's a bit weird when someone I just met uses it as a greeting.

Yup, that sounds like me.

If I get hugged by a squishy person I guess it gives me something else to consider as I become strangely detached from the event anyway.

My thoughts: When your mom says "it's normal" she means "it's natural." Nature puts that instinct into mothers so they will raise and protect their young. Ask any parent and they will say you are always their "baby" no matter how old you get. There's a scientific correlation. I think it's a form of natural oxytocin that bonds a mother to an infant. The body increases the level of feel good hormone when a mother touches her baby, and a (most) baby's body does the same when cuddled.

You are wired differently than that. But your mom has the "natural" (provided by Nature to most) body chemistry or neurological wiring. So she will always want to hug you and you will always recoil. I don't know if there is a happy compromise in this case. Maybe you can approach it cognitively and try to change how you associate it. That's all I can think of.

When she tries, though, she's not trying to disrespect your personal space or to ignore what you said. That natural maternal instinct is just incredibly strong. That's how the species survives. Otherwise moms would leave the infant in the snow the first time it cried.

Even though that statement is accurate, try taking the word "you" out of it. People will be more accepting usually. Try "I have a problem with touch." People prefer it when someone else takes the blame.

Most people assume it's about them or that they should be an exception to the no-touch or no-hug rule, and are hurt if they are not. So adding "you" to it just reinforces that in their mind.

Yep, true enough. Careful phrasing is the key - even though I usually feel like screaming "get off, get OFF!".

Yeah. I know the feeling. I loved my relatives but one had a habit of grabbing my face and planting a kiss on my lips when I was little. (Not in an icky way. It was just how she was.) I used to love hugs from most people but now I don't. I'm much more selective and the person has to have clean clothes on. It doesn't bother me but I don't like if someone strokes my arm lightly or something. That makes me shudder. I like the right person to give me a big bold squeeze hug though.

My main thing was always about shaking hands. That used to be perfunctory and I always hated it. Some people would sneeze then offer their hand to shake. Yuccckkk. Now shaking hands is less common. Thanks to Howie Mandel everyone does the fist bump.

I've noticed that I am greatly in the minority among Aspies in that I don't mind, and actually like, unexpected touching. I remember one specific instance clearly (it was when I came to this realization). I was talking to someone I had a class with the previous semester, and at one point in the conversation she put her hand on my arm while she was laughing, and I remembered something I had read on body language that said someone making a physical connection means they have made an emotional connection. That made my entire day, pretty much. That's the reason I like unexpected touching in this context; it's a signal that I am building a friendship with someone.

I was curious about this. What else do you consider if the person is "squishy?"

That's really sweet. I didn't think of it that way.

I always kind of resented it as being presumptive. I like your way better. Maybe it's the type of woman who usually does that arm touch thing. I don't usually like them to begin with.

Another thing I hate is when I go to get a haircut and just standing there talking about what services I want, and the salon person just sticks their hands in my hair. It's different if I'm already sitting in their chair. I assume their hands are clean. Not when they just counted money and answered the phone and everything. As I got older I got more used to some things, though. I guess if it happens often enough a person can desensitize.

Yeah - it's the "light touch" thing. My skin crawls and I don't know how to respond because I can never work out the intention behind it. But it always feels over-familiar - despite having no clear idea what an "optimum level" of familiarity would even feel like...

It became necessary for me to deal with shaking hands through my (now ex-) work-related activities but because that always seemed to be a rather stiff and formalized game, it was easy enough to simply remain stiff and formal for that particular social thing.
But some of those hands! Euwww. Wet with sweat, or sticky with food, or with really chewed fingernails. <retches>
I always wanted to rush out and wash mine immediately, but had to make do with surreptitiously wiping them instead.


Hmm. This made me think back over my short history of hugs.
When they're unexpected it's horrible and I become a plank of wood.
If one is advertised before landing on me I tolerate it convincingly enough, I think, but always seem to end up awkwardly patting their back like I'm consoling them about something.

But when it's squishy...
Hah, I actually thought nice and squishy there. Ya know, the only squishy one I can remember was from a friend's mother who then, in her late 80's, still had the arm strength of a gorilla and was, er, rather rounded - she gave me a belter of a hug which, well, it just seemed Ok I guess. Genuinely nice and comforting, even.
I just thought something like "deep, fluffy cushions" instead of mentally backing off and noticing things about clothes or stuff in the room while being hugged.

I'm not about to go out hunting potential huggers, but I probably would be Ok if it was a deep and firm motherly hug.
Out of stock of those here, unfortunately.

This is me, as well.

I agree with the OP, but I force myself to bear hugs from my parents because I know how much it means to them.