How do you know you are not good at reading people?

Post Reply New Topic

Exactly this.

I have a really hard time telling if someone is joking. I have a lot of trouble distinguishing friendly teasing from something more abusive. I have a hard time telling when people are getting irritated or bored. It really seems to me like NTs talk to each other about their moods using a language that I can't detect.

All of the above.
If I'm faced with a person and expected to interact, I have about as much clue about what to do as if I was faced with a lounge chair and and expected to chat to it.
Interactions suddenly take strange turns; people get angry seemingly out of nowhere, and I'm left wondering "WTF just happened?"
Nonverbal language looks like a foreign language; I can tell that people are using it to communicate, but I don't know how to translate.

I have hard time interpreting facial expression. I understand basics e.g. someone is laughing or crying but most of the time I'm lost. I don't know if my inability to read people's faces has something to do with fact that I don't recognize/remember faces at all. When I'm in social situation all people's actions, gestures or words are vague to me.I'm often confused by tone of voice. I wish everyone spoke straightforward and had no facial expression.

I think it's like this for me:

In the seventh season of Buffy, there's an episode where everyone else gangs up on Buffy and accuses her of multiple things that (to my eyes) she hadn't done. They were telling her what she was thinking, what she was doing, and kept shutting her down when she tried to explain herself.

Anyway, I watched this episode with three other people. I reacted very badly to the scene because it reminded me of several interactions I've had in the past. The other three could not or would not understand why I disliked the scene and found it unreasonable. To them it made sense.

Either I misunderstood what was happening in the scene, or they did. But I have been so thoroughly misunderstood in the past that I've had people feel they need to take me aside and lecture me on how horrible I am as a human being because of their interpretation of my behavior, and assumptions that what I had to say about myself were totally wrong, so the scene itself was upsetting just for being similar to those past occasions.

I don't feel I have a problem reading body language, but I am never truly sure. Of course I can tell if someone is totally giving me the cold shoulder or very angry or bored or sad. But the more subtle things sometimes can be confusing.

People joke with me a lot and I believe them. Then they tell me it was just a joke. I miss punchlines. I have the bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt, thinking their politeness means something more than it actually is. I screw up a lot of friendships like that.

many times i've thought men were interested in relationships with me when they were only interested physically. i get read wrong all the time and it feels like people treat me like someone else and don't know me. people think i'm yelling at them when i'm just clarifying or offering information. there are lots of ways missing cues or communicating nonverbally in a way that is inappropriate to the situation can manifest. you won't see what you're missing because you don't see it. what you will see is that over a long period of time the same perplexing circumstances will recur. people will get frustrated with you and you won't know why, and vice versa.

i don't miss jokes all that much but i don't find most people's joking funny - i interpret teasing as actual hostility, but then i sometimes think people are joking when they aren't. not good when your boss is actually upset with you for showing up late and you laugh at him .. then figure it all out later. these things are meant to be processed in real time, not pieced together by comparing previous experiences in one's memory bank and running it all through a logical filter that doesn't know how to account for the saturation of emotion that people generally stuff into what they're saying.

It took me until I was about 24 to realize I didn't pick up on things when meeting men. I was able to pick up on they were interested in me because they were talking to me but they wouldn't ask for my number or email address. I was maybe supposed to make a move and I didn't because I didn't pick up on anything. Like was I supposed to ask for their phone number or ask them out? Also my lack of eye contact, they may have mistaken it for not liking them. I also think my short responses may have done it.

I was over 30 when I realized that too many short responses in casual conversation make people think that you want to end the conversation, or, even worse, that you dislike them.

I was over 30 when I realized that I had missed some great opportunities with women, because I was so completely clueless.

sometimes i totally miss the gist of a joke, or i think someone is serious when they are actually joking.
sometimes i talk about things and don't realize they aren't interested until they make excuses to get away from me. I have felt this way my entire life--- well, ever since my school years.
and sometimes, people say serious things and i think they're joking. it's hard sometimes, but the few true friends i have accept me for who i am, quirks and all. so everyone else, to me, simply sucks.

I know I'm not good at reading people because they always have to explain to me what they meant! A lot of people, thankfully, are patient with me and the misunderstanding ends up being hilarious.
But some people are really upsetting. Instead of thinking people are serious, I usually assume people are trying to be funny. It feels horrible when someone is telling you something and you laugh, and they ask you "Why do you think that's funny?" It's embarrassing, and I feel like they think I'm a sh***y, mean person. And I don't know how to explain why I laughed, either, without talking for too long.

Also, I use lots of facial expressions wrong! People are always misreading me. Even though I'm aware of what expression I'm making physically, the expression corresponds to a different emotion for me than a lot of people. Like, I've recently found out that people roll their eyes when they are frustrated or annoyed, and that it looks rude to do so. I've been doing it for years, even at jobs! I roll my eyes when I say something that I find kind of embarrassing or stupid, but that I think is funny. Like if I were telling someone that my Pokemon is almost level 100 (lol) -- if it wasn't a friend I know that also play's Pokemon, then I would probably say it because I know it's silly that I still play Pokemon at 24, but I don't mind admitting that I do, and I'd roll my eyes and probably kind of smile. I found out a lot of people thought I was angry when I say this kind of stuff, and I was just like no no no no, what?! And it's hard, I can't stop rolling my eyes because in my mind, it's the expression that fits that emotion for me. I don't know what face you would use to express that mixture of silly/embarrassed/i know it's kind of stupid..?! I wish everyone would just use the faces *I* use, hahaha.

This:

and this:
...are and always have been the most frustrating and upsetting things I experience on a regular basis.

I got that I didn't get clues when after I'd talk to people, they suddenly have stuff to do all the time, and then I'd get accused of harassment or something.

This is really what made me realise there was something "wrong" with me too. As a young teen, i just thought the logical thing: i was too ugly to be liked by anyone, since i had seen it before, people will tolerate more from a pretty person than from an ugly one. So i decided i must be very ugly. After a while i realised some people, really ugly, but with a sort of inner strenght, charisma, aura , whatever, were seen as "leaders" , and decided i had no charisma. I was THE ONE who couldn't interrupt and constantly got interrupted, got stared at for making a joke, constantly found people's back facing me and had to start thinking what i was doing wrong, at one point, i decided to train myself to become like them more, but i can't say i ever realised i had "trouble reading cues" at that age.... I just thought everyone hated me .

Last edited by ediself on 08 Feb 2011, 7:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I realized I had a hard time when I approach social situations having to decipher or learn social cues intellectually rather than intuitively. I also have a problem with picking up subtle jokes or sarcasm.

I got told I'm pathetic at reading body language the other day as someone was about to punch me and I didn't notice. I was focused on what he was saying (which, unhelpfully, was not "I'm going to punch you in the face, so be ready") what he was saying was completely removed from being violent, so I didn't realize what he was doing with his body may have meant he wanted to fight me.
Which also reminded me of a funny encounter with another aspie years ago. Apparently the poor guy was "coming onto" me rather clumsily all evening and I was completely oblivious, because he was talking about cats and I was listening to what he was saying, not watching what he was doing. My peudo-friends of the day told me later on he was clearly trying it on with me, and I just didn't notie for hours.