Still weirded out over being ASD

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Ugh. This is me. Sometimes I think I couldn't be on the spectrum because I seem *normal* most of the time, but then I see people who go so much longer than me without being diagnosed and probably have identical or very similar functioning levels.

Like I have two selves...you know? I seem normal to people who don't know me very well but my close friends know that here is that huge disconnect, that I withdraw very deeply inside of myself and can't express my *real* self on the outside.

Yup. Exactly.

Where the heck did you come up with "Motown Danger Pants"? I LOVE that name. Not sure why. I just makes me smile.

LOL idk. I just let my mind go blank and ridiculous phrases are born.

I have yet to be officially diagnosed, but I just had a similar vent a couple of weeks ago. Despite the fact that it's almost 100% certain I have ASD, I find myself going through periods where I think I can't possibly be on the spectrum and this whole thing is a giant mistake.

Then, my Bipolar shifts gears and I mellow out. It's tiring.

I can definitely relate to that as well. I get depressed sometimes because no one, even the people I care most about, can really know what's in my head. Even when I try to express it, it never comes out quite right.



I've been feeling this way lately. On the one hand, people see me as not normal despite the enormous amount of energy I put into appearing so. But on the other hand, I must do a good enough job of it that they expect me to naturally be able to handle things that I just can't. And then they judge me for it.

I have tried to explain exactly this to every therapist I've gone to. No luck.

Oh, and I had kickboxing last night! I love it that some of us are turning to "sanctioned" aggression!

Yes, yes, yes. I know exactly what you mean. I was the gifted one, the one with great potential. I was most likely to succeed. I was the destined to be a great scientist. Blah. Blah. Blah. Crap.

As it is, I found out that all of those positive predictions were lies. I survive. I live with depression. My goal in life is not to put a bullet in my brain. I make enough to be reasonably comfortable, but I am hardly a big success. I have no social life, no family of my own.

People think that intelligence is what matters. That is a lie. Social skills, emotional maturity, and stability, that is what matters, and that is what I am completely lacking.

Something I said to someone else is:

I feel like my whole life I've been around people who spoke a different language that somehow sounds exactly the same as mine, and now I've found people who actually speak the same language. It's pretty intense.

I also picked up Aspergirls and Women From Another Planet? and I already have come across some really intensely familiar things. I need to go through these a second time with a highlighter because some of them are practically word for word things I said to my therapist to explain why I think I'm autistic.



I think you've earned whiny asshat time. Seriously. I've had this thing on my mind, like... living in free fall. Not having any real supports? Not knowing what's going on, just plummeting through life - no matter how outwardly successful in a particular way you may be? I think that's a really painful realization to come to, and I think it needs to be okay to have that room for grief or anger or whatever you might feel, and not be called a "whiny asshat."



I did not expect as many people to say that I just described how their brains work or that what I wrote was familiar when I wrote about context and memory last night, it was really surprising even after everything else. I guess part of it could be the typical ways memory works that I described, but the other stuff too?

And it happens so often, it's incredible. I came here with a ton of doubts and every thread I get into, someone says something that I could have written or I say something others agree with, and it's like, within a week or two of that, it was impossible for me to maintain so much skepticism.

It also helped to have just about every autistic person I know either tell me "Yes, it sounds like you are" or "I've thought you might be for a long time..."

It's just incredible to have this and it's so pervasive and feels so normal that it's hard to perceive it even while realizing other people are not like me.

I honestly believed my username when I came here. I gave up years ago trying to explain how I experience the world. I have learned to hide it and try to figure it out for myself. I've read every theorist from Jung to Piaget. I didn't fit anywhere. I'm not afraid to honestly look at myself, my environment, heredity, and open to anything to figure it out. I didn't just go by what I feel or what I struggled with but finally drilled down to the 'who I am'. The 'who I am' is often why there is such a torrid 'rest of the story'. Some of it is outside my control, I didn't decide my own coming into being and with whom, but much of my life today is because of the 'who I am.' I did feel alone, completely alone.

What finally started the 'ah ha' was seeing 'Mozart and the Whale.' I love the male actor in the movie. I watched it with no knowledge of AS. I could completely relate to him in every way. If I didn't hide everyday in this 'made up' persona I would act exactly like him. His character is the best description of me. It is how I live in this world, except I am a clean freak. It still took a couple of years to finally seek a person to help me. After I read what is available on AS I was satisfied with the knowledge. I already knew that this is it and it isn't going to change. It hasn't changed much ... the 'who I am' .... my whole life. I am surprisingly consistently challenged in most of the same ways.

I did go through a tough emotional experience and decided I might need to get some assistance. I have very little faith in doctors and NO faith in being medicated for the anxiety and depression that I have to fight on a daily basis. I have had to fight the exact same anxiety and depression since I was 5 as I fight today. For me the medication makes it much worse. Behavior modification and understanding MY limitations and not pushing it works best. I accept what I can and can't handle. I found a website, Grasp, and then found a therapist in my area. I didn't want to go to someone that wasn't experienced and wanted one I could respect. I also needed one that had more knowledge, more well read....again a respect thing. I am very lucky I found such a therapist. Grasp is a great group, check it out sometime.

Anyway this knowledge is a wonderful thing. WrongPlanet has given me more moments and I don't feel so alone. The diagnosis doesn't make me sad or wonder why no one noticed or why no one rescued me from any of my life.

We are not to know. Don't you realize we are not to know 'why' we are, but just to know 'we are'. You will not find out the answers in what you 'can't' but what you 'can' and then internalize your own personal miracle. Why we that 'can'are entitled to any more of an answer or explanation or comforting that comes with the 'why' answered than the 20 floors of filled kids hospitals or the prisoner in death camps walking to their end. Every day somewhere someone wakes up and their life as they knew it is over. There is no answer, just another minute you have a chance to do whatever it is you are able to do.


xo to everyone