Useless advice from NT's

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04 Mar 2011, 6:47 pm

I actually agree with #2 - the world would be boring if we were all the same.

#10 is just... guh... I'm not sure I would have held my laughter.

emuman100
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04 Mar 2011, 7:23 pm

Being Christian, #10 is not useless at all. Maybe it's due to my AS traits, but I'm a very dedicated Christian, and I believe God put me on this earth to bring happiness to others and to use my talents and skills to enrich my life and the lives of others.

But the other stuff is useless. I know a years ago when I wasn't to aware of AS and never thought I had AS, I'd ask advice on how to talk to women. Everyone would give me useless, common sense advice that I knew, but could never do. I know one woman who I knew plus many others said I need to go out and "just have fun". But none of these people knew of AS, and other than thought of me as shy and quirky, thought I was normal otherwise. I guess with most cases with AS there is no apparent disability, so most people really don't notice anything out of the ordinary.

siteswap1
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04 Mar 2011, 8:24 pm

eddie82 wrote:

I have a system where I just shake my head in agreement while simultaneously erasing the event from my mind.

Like an Etch A Sketch!

On a more serious note:

I actually agree with #1, #2, #8, and #9. And, #4 has worked for me in a few cases, although I'm not sure if I got better because I got more interested or if I became more interested because I got better. The other ones I don't really agree with.

jojobean
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04 Mar 2011, 8:46 pm

The one about being myself has helped me...but nobody told me that one. I came to that one myself.

but the one I hate the most is...."Its going to be okay"
example: explaining to a friend that my bird just died
"ohh it will be okay....trust me things work out in the end"

how the F#ck will it be ok??? My dog sat on my bird and now I dont hear her chirping and occasional laughter at the most demented stuff! (she was a parrot) I miss her like crazy, I want my bird back....how is it going to work out in the end that will restore my beloved bird.
It wont....she is gone, all is left is silence.

sorry folks had to get that out.

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League_Girl
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04 Mar 2011, 11:45 pm

Jayo wrote:

See if you can come up with any, just for kicks...I have quite a few down below...the question is, are the people giving us this advice naive, or just being polite?? The unfortunate thing is, in the past I've actually gotten some of these from psychiatrists.

#1 - "Just be yourself. If people don't accept you for who they are, they're not worth it."

#2 - "Well, everyone's different in some way...imagine how boring the world would be if we were all the same."

#3 - "Well, I reallly think you just need to listen to what people are REALLY telling you."

#4 - "Well, I've noticed that when you're really interested in something, you seem to be good at it...so just try that approach with other things."

#5 - "You can do these things if you really want to - some people just need to try harder than others."

Contrast #5 above with #6 & #7 below:

#6 - "Well, I think you sometimes just need to stop trying so hard when [insert social situation here], just let it come naturally to you."

#7 - "Try to not overanalyze things so much - sometimes you just need to go with your gut instinct."

#8 - "Well, some people are really good at some things, and some people are really good at other things, so don't let it bother you."

#9 - (This was said by a job counsellor when I asked whether I should disclose Aspergers at an interview; I was between jobs at the time) "Well...I really think you need to get _a feel_ for how they _might_ react if you were to tell them that, then just go with your gut." (I held my laughter just long enough for when I got out of her office.)

#10 - any given religious leader: "I think G** has special plans for you"

So, again I ask the question...are they being naive, or just polite???
I am successful today with a house, wife/daughter, career, and some friends - I still have my struggles, but I don't think my life would have turned out so well if I took the "cliche advice" above.

I actually agree with most of them. Number four I am not so sure. Five I don't agree with. My husband couldn't go into outer space because something stopped him. His learning disability and they wouldn't take him when he wanted to join the air force. No way can I get my brain to change so I be excellent with algebra. Six I am not so sure about. Ten I hate. No such thing as god people so leave out god when you speak to me about me.

I am not sure if this was advice but it was sure useless. "That happens to everybody" when I was talking to one of my aspie friends about how I kept getting complaints about me at my old job in Montana and he said that happens to everybody. I told him how many people get complaints about them every single friggen day?

Another thing I got was "School is hard for everyone" from my first ex. Okay is school so hard for everyone they need an IEP or special education and need their work modified so they can do it? Do they all need accommodations just so they get through school?

And about stress. "Oh everyone gets stressed out." Okay how many people get stressed out they shut down and have high anxiety and get violent and get impaired by their stress and have increase AS symptoms? I doubt NTs act like they have AS when they go through stress or get violent.

AceOfSpades
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04 Mar 2011, 11:58 pm

Jayo wrote:

#7 - "Try to not overanalyze things so much - sometimes you just need to go with your gut instinct."

Actually I think this is very useful for dealing with situations such as socializing where you have to think on your feet. Scientific studies even show that overanalyzing in situations where thinking on your feet is required is detrimental since analyzing things means you process things slower and overwhelm yourself with too many choices. Having too many choices or dealing with too many possibilities is detrimental when you're dealing with situations that are unpredictable and have a lot of ambiguity.

Anyways I think they were just being polite. Another thing to consider is that since NT's are so neurologically different from us they can't even grasp how we think in the slightest and vice versa so you can't expect their advice to be tailored to your neurological difference. Also I don't consider corny cliches an NT or AS thing cuz I've seen plenty of corny s**t in these forums too.

Tsukimi
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05 Mar 2011, 5:18 am

I usually don't like advices from NTs. Most of them do not actually know what they are talking about and don't get that the advice they give to their shy friend doesn't apply to someone with AS.

Jayo wrote:

#1 - "Just be yourself. If people don't accept you for who they are, they're not worth it."

Actually this is a good advice, except that 5 minutes later they start correcting you fon rather innocent things and say that you'll never make friends if you don't stop e.g. being so clumsy or avoiding hugs.

Jayo wrote:

#7 - "Try to not overanalyze things so much - sometimes you just need to go with your gut instinct."

This is really a BAD idea. By definition we cannot go with our "instinct"; if we can cope is just because we analyze things. I am very analytical and this is the only reason why I can function.

Jayo wrote:

#9 - (This was said by a job counsellor when I asked whether I should disclose Aspergers at an interview; I was between jobs at the time) "Well...I really think you need to get _a feel_ for how they _might_ react if you were to tell them that, then just go with your gut." (I held my laughter just long enough for when I got out of her office.)

OMG, I heard it several times! Not about AS disclosure but generally speaking on whether I can trust a person. I had problems with sexual harassment so I was talking in many occasion of how I can do to avoid other accidents. I was always said I have to "feel" how things are going. Or even: train my intuition - nope, it doesn't work that way!

Jayo wrote:

#10 - any given religious leader: "I think G** has special plans for you"

I don't know if it makes any sense to a believer, but to me it sounds just patronizing, the kind of thing you say when there is no other relief... isn't it?

The most sucking advice I got was: "Be spontaneous!", implying that my natural behaviour is not spontaneous. I mean, I am said I look awkward and to stop looking awkward I have to relax and go with the flow. I can be myself and spontaneous but I'll look awkward, rigid and weird, so make your choice and don't give me those double binds.

Yensid
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05 Mar 2011, 5:33 am

Tsukimi wrote:

Jayo wrote:

#1 - "Just be yourself. If people don't accept you for who they are, they're not worth it."

Exactly. How in the world are you supposed to be yourself and at the same time make the necessary changes. I suppose that there is a way to correct your actions while letting your true self still shine through, but how do you do this?

Quote:

The most sucking advice I got was: "Be spontaneous!", implying that my natural behaviour is not spontaneous. I mean, I am said I look awkward and to stop looking awkward I have to relax and go with the flow. I can be myself and spontaneous but I'll look awkward, rigid and weird, so make your choice and don't give me those double binds.

Yes. The spontaneous me offends people. The spontaneous me gets told "smile, look happy." The spontaneous me gets bruised and battered by rejection.

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Verdandi
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05 Mar 2011, 6:31 am

I was spontaneous today. The response was that I was blunt and overly critical. I can keep that in mind for next time.

Tsukimi
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05 Mar 2011, 6:47 am

Verdandi wrote:

I was spontaneous today. The response was that I was blunt and overly critical. I can keep that in mind for next time.

That is exactly the problem. I can easily be spontaneous but the result is not welcome.

jackbus01
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05 Mar 2011, 7:56 am

Jayo wrote:

Thanks for all the important advice :roll:

I think some pedantic analysis of the advice is worth it.

Jayo wrote:

#1 - "Just be yourself. If people don't accept you for who they are, they're not worth it."

I totally agree, I hope that includes you too.

Jayo wrote:

#2 - "Well, everyone's different in some way...imagine how boring the world would be if we were all the same."

Well, no a lot of NTs are into the that whole herd mentally thing and lack originality.

Jayo wrote:

#3 - "Well, I reallly think you just need to listen to what people are REALLY telling you."

Oh, but I did you just don't speak clearly. That's ok NTs sometimes have this problem.

Jayo wrote:

#4 - "Well, I've noticed that when you're really interested in something, you seem to be good at it...so just try that approach with other things."

That doesn't make sense you are going to have to explain harder.

Jayo wrote:

#5 - "You can do these things if you really want to - some people just need to try harder than others."

Please don't confuse abilities and desires. Just because I want to doesn't mean I can.

Jayo wrote:

Contrast #5 above with #6 & #7 below:

#6 - "Well, I think you sometimes just need to stop trying so hard when [insert social situation here], just let it come naturally to you."

It already did come natural. Did you think there was a problem?

Jayo wrote:

#7 - "Try to not overanalyze things so much - sometimes you just need to go with your gut instinct."

but my "gut instinct" tells me to overanalyze everything

Jayo wrote:

#8 - "Well, some people are really good at some things, and some people are really good at other things, so don't let it bother you."

and some people are real good at saying things and others are not, don't let that bother you.

Jayo wrote:

to job counsellor: you seem to have communication skills deficits, what the heck are you trying to say?

Jayo wrote:

#10 - any given religious leader: "I think G** has special plans for you"

and what would those plans be?

Jayo wrote:

So, again I ask the question...are they being naive, or just polite???
I am successful today with a house, wife/daughter, career, and some friends - I still have my struggles, but I don't think my life would have turned out so well if I took the "cliche advice" above.

yes, cliche, naive, polite, worthless, etc. come to mind

y-pod
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05 Mar 2011, 9:05 am

You know, I think most of those do SOUND helpful. They must be standard stock phrases to motivate people. In fact I'm pretty good at saying similar things to encourage people. I don't really believe them, but I know that's what people want to hear. Do you really want to know what they're thinking about you inside? I know when I say those things to people what I really feel is "quit whining and grow up, fix your own problems instead of wasting my time".

jackbus01
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05 Mar 2011, 9:28 am

y-pod wrote:

Ok, you love cliches, there you go, more power to you. Enjoy!

y-pod wrote:

Do you really want to know what they're thinking about you inside?

Yes, I really do. It can be stated politely. It can also be used as constructive criticism. In fact, I want you to tell me your candid response to my post.

y-pod wrote:

I know when I say those things to people what I really feel is "quit whining and grow up, fix your own problems instead of wasting my time".

"There is not much I can do about it. I am actually busy right now"

That is the way I would handle it. It is polite, tactful, direct, and doesn't involve worthless cliches.

y-pod
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05 Mar 2011, 9:39 am

Those are for NT people to hear. I don't talk like that to my dad, my brother, my husband or other people I know who are aspies or borderline. I'm usually rather straight forward with them and don't pretend to be nice at all. "So what's your point? What do you want ME to do?"

I myself prefer plain honesty as well, even if they sound harsh. Most people don't seem to do it, though. They're too afraid to be judged.

jackbus01
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05 Mar 2011, 9:53 am

y-pod wrote:

:D Those are for NT people to hear. I don't talk like that to my dad, my brother, my husband or other people I know who are aspies or borderline. I'm usually rather straight forward with them and don't pretend to be nice at all. "So what's your point? What do you want ME to do?"

I myself prefer plain honesty as well, even if they sound harsh. Most people don't seem to do it, though. They're too afraid to be judged.

Maybe speak to NTs as the same way you speak to others. When you "pretend to be nice" you are actually not being honest. I am a caring person, but I often come across as harsh, but I really don't mind being judged.
Anyway, be yourself

riverspark
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05 Mar 2011, 3:07 pm

emlion wrote:

Quote:

#5 - "You can do these things if you really want to - some people just need to try harder than others."

Hate this.
I am trying as hard as I can!!

I hate it, too. Especially since it's getting to the point where it's becoming frighteningly clear that all my trying is not enough and will never be enough.

Quote:

Tsukimi wrote:
Jayo wrote:
#1 - "Just be yourself. If people don't accept you for who they are, they're not worth it."

Actually this is a good advice, except that 5 minutes later they start correcting you fon rather innocent things and say that you'll never make friends if you don't stop e.g. being so clumsy or avoiding hugs.

Exactly. How in the world are you supposed to be yourself and at the same time make the necessary changes. I suppose that there is a way to correct your actions while letting your true self still shine through, but how do you do this?

Vintage Metallica springs to mind: "You can do it your own way--if it's done just how I say." :roll:

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