'Field Guide to Earthlings' the book

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I've ordered a copy of the book.

Many thanks for bringing it up - I'd never heard of it.

Here, as promised (or threatened? - I know that what follows is long, and possibly turgid!) are some things I've written in my diary recently:

Monday 21 March 2011

[...] I am not greatly threatened (emotionally and intellectually, that is, although I may be threatened practically) by social situations in which I am permitted to comment about the social play which we are all expected to act in as it were real (and as if the mere physical solidity of the many props, and the mere physical presence of the actors, constituted proof that the play is not really a play - even if in fact "it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing''), but I am greatly threatened by the 'normal' situation, in which no such comment is permitted, and everything is taken as if it were within the play. [...]

Wednesday 23 March 2011

This persona, with this body, is only a device I use to deal with people and keep them at bay. Part of the terror I live in [...] is that I don't know that this persona, with this body, is only such a device; and it keeps taking over, and trying to destroy any awareness that it is not real, and that I am anything other than this unreal persona, in this body. (One reason for this is that my 'real' persona does not talk to people, and I need to talk to people, so the 'unreal' persona is in a way just as 'real' as the 'real' persona, while the 'real' persona is just as unreal as the 'unreal' one. [...]) Even when I do know how unreal I am, it is as if I am in a play, whose stage is (as Shakespeare so accurately wrote) the whole world (and whose audience is the same as its cast, who also 'write' its script, or more accurately, improvise it), so that there is nowhere off-stage, and the other cast members keep trying (with horrifying success) to make me think that the play is reality itself. It is as if I were playing a doctor, and the rest of the cast expected me to perform an actual operation, and would not listen to my protests that I am only acting, and do not know how to actually be a doctor. They point to my body being physically present on stage, and to their own real physical presence on stage, and to all the indubitably real physical props (including my fake framed medical certificates hanging on the walls of the set), as if all this constituted proof that the play were not a play, but reality. But I know I'm not real, I know I can't actually do anything, I know I am only acting. I know this even when I don't know anything else, or any other aspect of my being. I never know what anyone else is doing, how it is different [for?] them, or whether there is anyone else like myself. I never meet anyone else like myself, or even see (ironically enough) any dramatic portrayal of anyone like myself (although Richard Isherwood [in a BBC television production of Christopher and His Kind] came close, at least in some ways). The only way I can keep any sense of personal reality at all is by avoiding people almost completely. Often I even cannot bear any interaction over the Internet. Mathematics is often the closest I come to sensing a real personal existence, but when even that failed (as it has often failed over the last four decades), existence itself seems impossible, which I think is the single main reason why I am suicidal. Wearing women's clothes reminds me that when I wear men's clothes I am also only acting. Interacting on the Internet, and even talking about myself in interviews [...] gives me a kind of distant sense of reality, because at least I retain part of my mind, shorn of many of my emotions, and much of my intellect and imagination, but at least retaining an awareness that the 'reality', the play, which threatens to swallow me up is not reality, that there is something of me left outside it, that I was once something more, and perhaps can be something more again.

Tuesday 29 March 2011

Even more accurate than the metaphor of a play is the closely related metaphor of a confidence trick. Normal 'reality' is like a gigantic con trick. Perhaps the actual con artists themselves are nowhere to be seen - being norms, rules, social systems, 'memes', etc. - and no-one you meet is actually in on the con, I don't know.

Friday 1 April 2011

'Reality' means the play that is actually being performed. Of course, this play is no more real than the play you wish you were in. To put it another way, the play you wish you were in is just as real as the one that is being performed.

No doubt postmodernists think that that is all there is to reality, but I distinguish between 'reality' in quotation marks and reality itself. For one thing, my description of 'reality' as a play is meant to be taken as real, not as 'real'.

Thursday 7 April 2011

When I was out on the walk (I'd forgotten what it feels like to inhabit the natural world in daylight, as if I had a right to be here - not that I felt great today), I thought some more (although I didn't have any really new thoughts) about the fact that I have always (at least since puberty) felt as if I belong to a different intelligent species. [...]

I've had a lifetime to observe and imitate human beings, but that doesn't make me one.

Being with people tends to force me to identify with the human role I play, and forget who I am, but this only intensifies my despair, to the point of actual suicide. Avoiding people at least gives me the chance to remember who I am.

Identifying with the human role is what has most opened me up to exploitation by others.

[...]

Talking to E___ on the phone this evening, I thought: the reason why I don't "put myself out for other people'' (this particular way of putting it, using my mother's words, is an afterthought) is that I don't feel I'm a human being, and I'm only acting. It isn't reasonable to expect an actor to actually do whatever it is that they are representing on stage. If you want them to do something, you first have to address the fact that they are only acting.

Sunday 10 April 2011

There is a 'normal' process by which one learns to play a role as a human being, and completely identifies with that role. The result of this identification is presumably what is called a normal 'ego'. In my case, this process continues to operate, and other people misguidedly try to reinforce its operation (as if Nature itself were not enough). Unfortunately, it is not operating only on a pliable infantile consciousness, ready so to be transformed, but it is operating on me, because, before this 'normal' process could start to operate, I had already had to form an intellectually creative, sexually perverted, solitary, asocial adaptation to early trauma (including separation from my mother in the first year of life).

[...]

Everybody's infantile intelligence persists in their understanding of the large-scale social structures around them, which are not literally parents, and are literally part of the real world. But this aspect of a 'normal' person's intelligence is kept largely unconscious. This is shown particularly by the utter absurdity of the things people say about morality. (This does not mean that it is easy to spell out clearly why they are absurd.)

Monday 11 April 2011

Other people's behaviour is part of the reality with which I must deal. If it is possible for me to understand, predict, influence, or modify their behaviour at all, it must be at least partly by understanding their ideas, feelings, beliefs, motives, the contents of their minds generally. So, the contents of their minds are also part of the reality with which I [must] deal. Unfortunately there is a powerful force, which is presumably part of 'normal' development, which makes the contents of other people's minds seem as if together they constituted, themselves, a monolithic 'reality' within which I must exist, and within which there is no room for my own sense of reality, for the contents of my mind. This was at first most noticeable in relation to my mother, but it has carried over into my relations with all adult human beings (probably all human beings over the age of puberty at which my own development as a person got stuck, in a way of which I was painfully conscious).

Tuesday 12 April 2011

There is nothing wrong with being 'normal', but there is everything wrong with forcing people to act 'normal' regardless of what is actually going on in their minds.

As both Sayfadeen [someone I knew in the Usenet newsgroup alt.suicide.holiday, who killed himself in 2007] and I understood (neither had to explain to the other), it is like being prevented from running native applications in one's own operating system (probably Linux), and forced to run an emulator or simulator for another operating system (probably Windows).

Tuesday 19 April 2011

The form [for claiming Employment and Support Allowance] should contain something about my feeling of being like a wild animal. I'm like a grown-up 'wild child', only very imperfectly adapted to human society. What little 'personality' I have is only a kind of camouflage.

Thursday 28 April 2011

For most people, 'the human race' is not an object in their lives, it is part of the taken-for-granted background of their experience. For me, it is an object of experience - even when I helplessly and obediently try to incorporate it into my mind, in the 'normal' way, as a taken-for-granted part of the background of my experience.

Tuesday 3 May 2011

I don't have a specialist "mathematical mind'', I have my own mind, my right mind, which for some years in my youth was only able to work on mathematics, but since my young adulthood it has not been able to work on anything at all, and when people try to force me to conform to "normality'', they force me out of my right mind, and in effect I become an idiot, and can hardly do anything right at all.

Wednesday 4 May 2011

It seems to me as if people are only acting all the time. I don't think this can be the whole truth, however. I think that it is probably an illusion brought about by my lack of friendships. I think that there is a real distinction between being and acting, but the difference is not one that can be detected by scientific observation. I wonder if the difference between good and evil is the difference between being and acting.

Saturday 7 May 2011

The social world makes no sense to me, and never has. Things, and indeed people, only make sense to me if I can think of contacting them independently of society. To deal with society, I have had to develop an "act'', a side of me which has given up all hope of ever contacting reality again. In particular, it has no hope of ever again being able to do mathematics, or have any sexual desire, or feel any sexual pleasure. It must obey, follow, and conform blindly and without dignity or free will. It is there only to avoid the even worse consequences that might follow from the lack of any "act''. While I have an "act'', however, I have no actual function, purpose, role, or personality.

@Twirlip: Thank you for sharing your writings. I sometimes feel that way about "acting" myself. Lately, trying to do so, and playing multiple roles for different people, is exhausting--moving towards a breaking point is what it feels like.

For some reason, I was reminded of this play: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Actor%27s_Nightmare

wow I love it how I can come to WP and always find things that ring true for me. I too will have to get the book - how amazing was that excerpt! Lately I've been acting, trying to take on a role or identity in this play and this approach is really exhausting and depressing. There seems to be no quality of life, no point in life when I do this even though i might get external approval. When i was on another approach, which was to 'discover' myself and just give up on fitting in the world, i was not at all depressed or suicidal and really very happy. The thing is i'm no longer in an environment that supports that approach. But this has got me thinking - maybe i can change my environment again.

[quote="Twirlip"][/quote]

london transport/streets is a real s**t place i'd say. if you're acting that means you're thinking about the social situation as if it's a task - because if you're thinking then your thinking will to you be correct or incorrect that's the nature of meaning. but social situations are an experience - they are simply things that occupy your senses and exude feelings however subtle. if all the words you use actually have a strong meaning to you because to me they didn't they seemed 'fancy' to me. but if you they seriously do to you then you're probably really good with words (do you visualise words as thoughts or speak them when thinking to yourself?) but this means your mind is so thinking has so much noise of thought that your eyes do not perceive the actual data of the world the actual information and tiny movement in things you're seeing literaly in front of you and that stops you picking up the micro expressions when looking at someone (on a vidoe, in person a cartoon naything) and then you don't feel what they feel. i've lived at least i can remember the last 3/4 years without being in taht excited sensory state and that's what's needed for socialising. i didn't realise till recently how much people pay attention sensationally rather than thinking. also if you are really clever logical you'll know suicide is illogical... because death means nothing gone forever. if i had to have a saw cut into my arm every single day for 40 days (and i'd live after those 40 days without that normally forever) or death before the start of that 40 days of pain i'd choose the 40 days of absolute pain because afterwards i'd have infinite days or say you live 120 years you'd have however large a number of days compared to death which is just zero nothing for infinity unless you knew someone would invent time travel and come back and save you. but also you could pragmatically look at reasons for suicide if it's a strong emotion that is in you and you realise you jsut feel so bad that's what's causing it then regardles of the cause of the emotion you could just think right i'll take some happy pills problem solved. if it's therefore a thought that makes you believe it's like a 'right' choice to commit suicide then a simple proof by disproof is that life allows you to make that right choice as you have to exist to make a choice therefore choosing no life is wrong as in doing that you're doing life. from my own personal reflection i think people commit suicide when they get so caught up with the attrocity of others especially if it's personally to do with them like if someones get attacked by the group and all of them are together yet wrong then it makes you feel so anxious and bad (probably for evolutionary reasons to do with the need of a tribe for physical danger). also if you come to understand the nature of everyone around is more evil than the way you are honestly natured then you just leave to an island or rather you could massacre and that would just leave you as on an island but perhaps more satisfied. the scary thought is we are 98% ape dna and animals are aggressive. but yeah suicide to me is personally the stupidest decision anyone can make. even the people who want to commit suicide because they're physially disabled... that's stupid because happiness comes from being in the present regardless of your cirucmstance it's a choice in fact it's acutally simply a way of thinking it is experiential thought.

DOES ANYONE KNOW how to find a pdf of field guide to earthlings? or like if you buy the kindle version does that mean just general pdf you can read on a laptop?

This book and some of the recent comments in a thread pointing to it have really struck me hard on how mentally NTs are fundamentally different than us. I'm starting to think we should have our own communities semi-separated from NTs, since you are right, it is taxing to act all the time for them. But, this is just theoretical and long-term.

In the near-term, I've found that this "acting" is very much like lifting weights. If you don't do it routinely, it's going to suck pretty bad every time you do it, and you're never going to get better at it. You've got to train at it every single day and work towards being stronger at your acting. But, I think we should all be able to come home at the end of the day (or time we're acting) away from NT expectations, no matter where we are, so we can relax without all the weight that comes with acting all day.

Also, this "acting" is very much like speaking a foreign language, in a similar way (I say this secondly since many people haven't worked towards knowing a foreign language and wouldn't get the analogy now), and we have to work at it in a similar fashion. NT communication, for all sakes and purposes, IS a foreign language to us, and one we need to work with.

i know what you mean... i think the brains just really plastic so plastic to make such different types of people. but plastic enough to change back if you actually are aware cognitively that it's you brain than needs to be changed and not some superficial stuff. but isn't trying to make a separate community and group and all that a funciton of the 'nt brain' - seems like similar reasoning nt's have. also i think people are on a scale of nt to aspergers because the brain is so plastic rather than discrete. i'd say the only problem is the idea that nt is healthy and good but non nt isn't. the most extreme form of nt brain is practically like a caveman in a tribe or a psychopath.

I like the book and refer back to it sometimes.

Q: is there a more advanced version of this sort of book? Part 2?

You can now read Kindle books without a Kindle: instructions

I just bought it from Amazon and the Kindle Cloud Reader installed in Chrome.

wait have you read all of it since starting to read it like yesterday?

got that cheers anyway. i have the book of life open now.

No insult, but you must be new to coping. I've been working on this for over 20 years. Not only is the brain biologically not 'plastic' as you say, but we cannot change its structure. You can compensate and 'speak' NT, but in the end, the mind is as it always was. But, if you don't believe me, don't. Your future experiences and extreme frustration as your mind can never operate like your NT peers (no matter what you do or how hard you try) will prove it on their own.

I read it a while ago - I'm hoping someone here knows of a similar book that goes a little deeper.

I also read Tim Pages Parrallel Play which was OK but maybe not so useful for me.

cheers,

i take it as a good thing that i haven't been in a state of coping for ages - in fact i wouldn't say i'm new to coping i dont think i'm coping at all - about 15% of people i see view as aspergers (ie very logical) - and also right now i find the state of mind where i have sensory empathising eyes is a very enjoyable state so i'm trying to become like that half to get by and half just because it's plain nice. i think i've had aspie like mind for a while now but i only made social nervousness ridding/what's the purpose of life my hobby and interest about 6 months ago and have worked my way up to my knowledge here. and for me i know for a fact i can and have been changing my brain (it's a very elusive thing)... but just today reading and learning like i normally do i noticed to remind myself to actually understand what i'm understandin in 'actual' form and so i mentally saw stuff felt it what is it in it's senses and then i after some i naturally shifted into a mode where i was aware my subtle baseline state had changed and my mind was without thought i was just looking at the videos and no thought could enter my mind... idk i haven't been that odd all my life at least in the sense that up to age 16/17 i went to loads of parties did loads of stuff etc

even saying 'no offense you must be new too,' is quite an nt thing to say maybe You got offended by me saying that what you wanted was NT like, did you honestly i don't mind? anyway here's some scientific evidence how you can change your brain... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf6Q0G1iHBI . you could still change your brain to have empathy and less nerves and then be against the idea of social rank and stuff like that. but trust me i've done a lot research and been reflecting a lot - and i even spoke to this 30 year expert on skype alan stevens and he was confirming all my knowledge that i was spouting off to him about the brain and interaction and also saying stuff himself which i'd already known about from reading/hearing. so when i say about the brain being plastic i wasn't saying it to express a personal view of mine i was just giving you what i know from research.

i live in the uk, but in america if i'm right, they label a lot more and it's more intensive there so there's a divide idk.

i take it as a good thing that i haven't been in a state of coping for ages - in fact i wouldn't say i'm new to coping i dont think i'm coping at all - about 15% of people i see view as aspergers (ie very logical) - and also right now i find the state of mind where i have sensory empathising eyes is a very enjoyable state so i'm trying to become like that half to get by and half just because it's plain nice. i think i've had aspie like mind for a while now but i only made social nervousness ridding/what's the purpose of life my hobby and interest about 6 months ago and have worked my way up to my knowledge here. and for me i know for a fact i can and have been changing my brain (it's a very elusive thing)... but just today reading and learning like i normally do i noticed to remind myself to actually understand what i'm understandin in 'actual' form and so i mentally saw stuff felt it what is it in it's senses and then i after some i naturally shifted into a mode where i was aware my subtle baseline state had changed and my mind was without thought i was just looking at the videos and no thought could enter my mind... idk i haven't been that odd all my life at least in the sense that up to age 16/17 i went to loads of parties did loads of stuff etc

even saying 'no offense you must be new too,' is quite an nt thing to say maybe You got offended by me saying that what you wanted was NT like, did you honestly i don't mind? anyway here's some scientific evidence how you can change your brain... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sf6Q0G1iHBI . you could still change your brain to have empathy and less nerves and then be against the idea of social rank and stuff like that. but trust me i've done a lot research and been reflecting a lot - and i even spoke to this 30 year expert on skype alan stevens and he was confirming all my knowledge that i was spouting off to him about the brain and interaction and also saying stuff himself which i'd already known about from reading/hearing. so when i say about the brain being plastic i wasn't saying it to express a personal view of mine i was just giving you what i know from research. also if you say the brain isn't plastic at all then you're actually making the statement that differences in people is all genetic which is pretty bold - whereas i'm saying differences in people will be both genetic and environmental (ie plasticising). but anyway i identify as aspergers and i know from my experience when faces and body language makes me nervous appears threatening, my amygdyala perceives it this way and i know when i'm the empathising state personal experience and on top of that all the science videos givign the science behind it and generally stuff i read confirming this what i know from experience - it's all about left brain vs right brain thinking.

i live in the uk, but in america if i'm right, they label a lot more and it's more intensive there so there's a blatant divide idk.

it's kind of like meditation but instead of whatever they do in meditation i'm basically using my brain creatively (experiential thinking and fusing it into my general learning rather than stopping what i'm doing and doing it as an exercise in itself). but yeah try it - i've just written a whole all this here (and i haven't done the imagining yet) but i've just used words and they're the signifiers and they just code for a signified and so think in signified (aka literally mentally see, touch etc 'it is what to one's senses') and see what happens. imporant: it won't work if you just remember images you have to visually spatially create what it must be based off the meaning - reading a story is perhaps best for this. but you can do it with any words i think. you could even just start mentally sensing whatever you imagine but to me that's too much of an exercise whereas i want my thought pattern to be pervasively bringing me empathising eyes and in an excited state. it really is amazing what you see, hear in the state - it makes music sound 500x more just wow like textured uniqueness to the song... feeling.

it's basically getting rid of the stencil projection(for anyone else see 'field guide to earthlings'). (and you can only change your stencil ie get rid of it by mentally sensing rather than signified thinking). because it really is like what he describes in the book where you're just taking in all the sensory information of whatever would be mundane object. and that's also what i meant btw when i said loads of s**t i'm reading is confirming my own experience and knowledge on this excited in the moment state and how it changes my empathising level aka general sensory input.

haven't seen it but read the description... maybe... social dynamix - i think it was called... it was a PUA/general life thing.