talking to my parents about my limitations is a waste

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to edgewaters

well it's not really "i can't" it's "i don't feel a need to" which is why i want to die before i have to cope with caring for myself just to avoid it, i'm not even the least bit willing to throw away my life-style for anything. i won't waste my life that way i'm going to enjoy it they way i want to then i hope do die before things change.

i'm not someone who is good at challanges and pushing myself and i will do anything to avoid it. like if i have to go somewhere i will try to get my hands on as many things that i am alergic to make myself get sick to get out of going. and usually one of my colds lasts for 2 weeks or more, and that's just weat vinger gives a worse effect.

i've finished school and now i'm done i'm letting my life go where it's led to i don't care about trying to make something of myself nor do i want to i just want what i've got right now, and that's my computer, my cats, my story, and the dark walls of my room but that's all i'm satisfied with this. i might not have a life that's worth while but as long as i have what i got then i'll be satisfied with it.

also i take stubborness to an art form so when i won't do something and as long as it's my choice i won't do it. no is no to me.
and i'm saying no i don't want a better life. i'm not truly happy with the way things are going but i can cope with it pretty good.

wow i didn't think my little rant would help anyone, guess i was wrong.

Ive had a rough life because of AS but I never let it defeat me or limit me.

Every situation I came across which started to get the better of me only strengthened my resolve to get through it and ultimately made me more capable of tolerating such things in the future.

My parents dont know I have AS and I dont intend to ever tell them.

Through years of self training and a bit of masochism I guess Ive become someone who can handle most any situation and mostly pass for normal though slightly odd at times.

AS may make us strange and different but it doesnt effect the human minds remarkable ability to adapt.

The more you run away from the challenges your condition present to you the more helpless you become and the more your life is controlled by it.

The strain on my mind and body from the stress Ive forced myself to endure may be aging me faster and speeding me towards an early demise but I wouldnt trade the self-respect, pride and confidence its given me for anything in the world.

me i don't like stress from anything unless it's from my own projects.

and am already weak, helpless, and controlled but i see no need to change it. i don't want pride, respect, or anything on those lines from to much of anyone for trying to live a life i'd rether get pride from making music videos. i don't want to do anything worth being remembered for i want to be forgotten when i'm dead and buried.

everything i get drug through only makes me hate it more and more. like i gave up on god and religion all togther and every mectioning of anything related to it pisses me off so needless to say every slightly religious letter i get sent gets deleted and i'm constantly beating it out of my head with my story, different animes, music, and dark music videos that i make like my tribute to villians. and that's how it is with everything i hate the more it is pushed on me the less likely i will do it.

i can handle alot i'll have to say but regaurdless i will still try everything in my power to stop it from happening. yes i fight having a normal life, living on my own, drive, and other things that make me independent. heck if my perents are away all day i'll most likely starve because i'm unwilling to cook at all, my version of making food is grabbing a handful of rice krispy treats, but other then that i would go with out eating. basicly if i'm not watched over i'd die mostly from starvation but not thirst which is like the only good habit i got, i'd also have majior sleep depervation because i would stay awake as long as i could and get very little sleep.

basicly i'm not fit to live and should have never been given life.

to tigerfire

my latest fights have been about my love for darkness, and the fact that my parents don't know what i'm really like. sometimes i feel like we aren't even on the same page or even the same book. my views about life are so different from theirs and this goes for my whole family.

Your own self-confidence and pride are not things that anyone else really cares about. Their entire purpose is for you.

From what you've written Im going to go out on a limb on a couple things I think I might have noticed about you (if Im way off just ignore me).

You seem to me to be someone who has identified with the depressed version of themselves.. its become part of who you are which is fine, Im the same way.

The problem is that you are letting your own fears and self doubt get in the way of living your life and accomplishing (or even finding) your goals.

Your capable of taking care of yourself you just dont want to. Your comfortable letting others take care of you so you dont want to take responsiblity for your own life but in the process your being a burden on others.

You probably deep down feel kinda guilty about that and about failing to face your own fears and weaknesses, which serves to only make your depression worse, which makes your symptoms worse, creating a vicious self-sustaining cycle.

Breaking out of it into life on your own and finding your own reasons for living isnt easy (I know I was the same as you not too long ago). Its uncomfortable and scary and just a general pain in the rump.

But if you dont you will always be afraid and hate yourself for it.

fraya believe it or not you pretty much nailed my lifstyle perfectly.

but there is one thing i don't care about self-confidence or pride those things just don't matter to me.

yeah i seem to focus alot on bad and not alot on good though at a time my entire personality was reversed completely, but all that has changed now.

the only goals i seem to get done are things in my room i've never tried anything else i don't want to have to please anyone, and yeah i do doubt myself quite a bit. also fear keeps me from doing alot of things.

yeah i could probably care for myself but it's a waste of time. yeah i probably am a burden and will always be.

quilty, never thought of that but there are times where i think about things i've wanted to do that i won't do and i kinda feel bad. yeah that's probably true too because the longer this drags on for the more i want to bracade myself in my room, heck i don't even like doing much of anything anymore, i'm comfortable here in my room were i control the outcome of everything. so yeah my syptoms probably do get increasingly worse over time, right now i want to go somewhere, where i can stay inside a room and not have to go anywhere, like i have now only i could stay inside at all times and never leave and never have to deal with nothing but stuff my computer does to frustrate me.

You sound exactly like I was a few years ago.

I wished so hard for a world where I was the only one in it where I could be left alone. But such a place doesnt exist.

Self confidence and pride in yourself were things that didnt matter to me either. But they are things of that strange quality where when you dont have them they dont matter but once you do you cant understand how you lived without them.

I finally had to look around me and take all the people who doubted me and my ability.. my family, friends, everyone and basically turn against them to get out of my room.

I took their doubt as a challenge.. they underestimated me and thought Id never amount to anything.. they thought me lazy and incapable of so much.. so I made them the enemy in my mind and set out to prove them wrong just to see if I could. It was the best thing I ever did.

It may seem a bit crazy but what keeps me going day in and day out is simple curiousity.

Curiousity of what will come tommorow.. what challenges will rear their heads for me to smash like the Hulk, what strange events will transpire to give me something to ponder, and what Ill be able to accomplish next with my current obsession.

Everything else is just necessary evil I have to get through to accomplish my goal of seeing what tomorrow will bring and the cycle starts over again when I wake up.

If there are things you want to do then do them and dont let anyone or anything stand in your way. Your biggest enemy is yourself and your self-imposed limitations.

my friends and family think the opposite espishily [can't spell] my aunt personally with everyone telling me i can makes me want to not try or do anything. i think i have a problem or something i'm not sure what it is. but i seem to get discuraged from both encoraging words and put-downs.

Perhaps because you know they are asking you to do these things without appreciating the difficulty of it?

NTs can rarely begin to comphrehend just how hard normal everyday tasks can be and take them for granted.

Just keep in mind they are trying to help you by encouraging you which means they care even if they are ignorant to the significance of what they are asking but if you do accomplish what they ask your not doing it for them your doing it for yourself.

If it was me Id try to do what they ask simply to see if I could and wouldnt give up easily because then Id be failing myself.

A think a lot of us here live for those little moments where you go "that was awesome I never thought I could do that" and impress yourself.

that might be it or maybe it's like they are giving me false hope. i honestly don't know why i do some of the things i do half the time unless i have someone pointing out things.

my dad is like that since he can do things he thinks everyone should be able to anything he can, eating is one thing, i don't like to eat i'd rather drink ensure for the rest of my life and i have to consintrate to eat where everyone else doesn't have this problem.

i'll try to remember that but i'd rather have people in my postion giving me encouragement. it's kinda like when someone draws a picture they don't want to go to someone who makes music to tell them if it's good or not. i'm not good with metahors so i hope i made sense.

me i like to fight everything, just try to do everything i can to go against what they want. heck i even fight sleeping pills and i can stay awake through some of the strongest ones. i've failed myself hundreds of times and i'm kinda used to it now so if it happens again it doesn't really bother me.

yep there are times i live for those moments, one such moment was getting my first sim working after fighting with it for several days without getting any results at all i was a little more then thrilled when one worked. my latest music video was also one it was basicly an experiment, what i did was went against the lyrics of the song don't wake me up by clawfinger which is about dreams and put it as a nightmare setting. the result was pretty good considering i don't think that's been tried before though i could be wrong. i need to get that vid on amv to show it off now i'm very proud of it.

Its not false hope its just hope and one of the best gifts a person can give another.

It only becomes false when you fail.

Failure is not an option for me.

One of my goals in life is to never regret, never violate my honor, and never give up.

So far Im doing great

Regret is admitting to yourself you didnt do the best you could.

Doing your best is all anyone will ever ask or expect from you. If you did your best and its still not good enough for someone then its their failing not yours.

As for your vids and sims and such thats great we'll cheer you on and Id love to see your AMV.

But around here especially its the day to day stuff that really get us cheering for you.

Like today in about an hour Ive got a game in the company bowling league Im a part of.. Ive been to 12 of them so far once a week and its noisy and loud and filled with people socializing and trying to socialize with me but Ive managed to get through it and actually enjoy it somewhat and Im really proud of myself for it.

yeah that's true but when you know you can't do something and people keep saying you can all the time it gets really frustring.

i'm a perfectionist so i won't except failure but this only applies to my intresets anything else i couldn't care less if it goes belly up.

those are some great goals but i don't have to many goals period, oh wait live and die that is all.

yeah i agree, i'd of regerted it if i never even started music videos because i get much joy from making them and watching. and all that work on those sims just to figure out what to do was all worth it when i got them to walk around in their own house i don't think there was ever a time where i was happier then that.

yeah but if i can't make myself happy it ain't even with doing. it doesn't matter if that other person is happy. well i could be wrong there, there have been times i've made things for others and the only thing i could think is was this person going to like it.
one example of this is when my aunt broke a cd she had and wanted me to make her a new second cd. well not only did i make it i also tried to recreate the broken cd with the exact fonts, the copyrights that go on the edge of most cds [yep it had all the credits in german or something yep i'm a perfectionist], the title of the song in german or whatever the language was and since i didn't know what it was in that language i googled and found out, basicly this cd was a mirrior image of the broken one. it is my greatest work on a cd to date. so yeah i kinda do care i guess. oh and she loved it so much she actually fliped out.

if you want to see my vid i'll have to make the file size smaller it's like 91 mbs right now. then i'll get it on photobucket and put a link on here.

i have to say one thing i have one good quality or curse whatever you see it as. that is i'm known to go out of my way to get something done for someone two examples are a a dvd that i was making for a friend, which would have been easy if the movie wasn't in japanese. so i watched a subtitled version which i could only see the subtitles in one program and watched it and wroted down every subtitle in the whole thing even ones that poped up for 2 seconds, then i copied and pasted every subtitle and made them match perfectly even the 2 second ones. but my journey was not done yet because the movie woun't fit on the dvd it was to big so i dug up even dvd program i had to see if it was just arcitect that was being mean but it wasn't so i broke up the video into 2 parts which i wasn't happy about and beat myself for several weeks after. but she loved it even though it was flawed and late.
the second was someone on conquer was missing a file so i found it and tried to give it to him sounds easy right? wrong i tried my email, it won't send i tried yahoo mail same thing, so he said he had msn messenger so i got that i typed in my info and ended up typing in my email as my name but i finally got it to him. oh and i later found out my first email really did send it was just being slow.

yeah after being here a while i notice that even if you make a small achievement it's still seems like you've done something great.

i'm not into bowling but i've been to the buildings and yes noisy and crowded almost wants to make you crawl into a hole, so that must be a great acomplishment. for me just making my own food is an accomplishment for me.

ok i made my vid smaller it is now 32 mbs and i have it on photo bucket. i checked it out and it seems to do fine but you might have to turn the volume up because it is kinda quiet. the video quality and sound are fine no problems that i can point out.

the clips were taken from sailor moon so you know i can't animate or draw that good yet. it's one of like 20 or 30 that i have made.
http://s10.photobucket.com/albums/a102/ ... htmare.flv
i hope that works.

Cool I like it.. but no way to save it

Those are harder to make than they look Ive done a little video editing at work just combining 4 mini-dvds into one long video on a single disk took me like a week

Just do what you want to do what others want you to do doesnt really matter the only person you have to please really is yourself.. but I am curious what sort of things they are asking that you believe you cant do.