Okay to be boring?

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I'd still say light touch is the way to approach it. Any particular event, maybe I'll go, maybe I won't. For example, even someone who's a city council member, goes to some civic events not all.

And then, what my Dad told me, sometimes just need to put in an appearance. And in fact, a short period attending, maybe a little studying, and then some fun gaming might make for a productive, varied, and fun evening.

And most important, and I'll put this in boldface, whether a person attends alone or not. Attending a party by yourself is an ambitious social skill. It's the Oskar Schindler level of social skills. Yes, Oskar Schindler can pull it off, sometimes, not always. Now, bit by bit, we as people on the spectrum can learn the skills. But it's so much easier to go to a party with someone who's either a friend or a reasonable acquaintance.

And then, highly social people also hop parties or hop pubs. They kind of have a set time and they'll extend it if the event seems promising.

One thing, I learned from sports books in Vegas (comfortable chairs to watch games, typically close to poker rooms), 'How's the game going?' a decent overture to a stranger, and/or be ready to reprocate, even if it turns into a really good conversation, it tends to run it's course in something like 20 minutes to 45 minutes.

You need something approaching a career to have a stable income so you can have the home, etc. The way I phrased it made it look like I think you need to know the social stuff to have the home, etc. Sorry for the confusion.



Not necessarily high status socially (although that wouldn't hurt), but social visibility.

A couple very real scenarios for your consideration:

You work in department "A" at your company. There is an opening in department "B," which you would like to move to. Maybe it comes with a raise; maybe it's more in line with your interests; maybe it gives better job security. Whatever. You and one co worker apply for the position. Both of you have similar qualifications. You never socialize with anybody. The other person attends every company picnic/party, and the boss in the other department has had some "good" chit-chats with him there.

Who gets the job? Not you.

Two people approach an interior designer to redo their houses. Similar budgets, same deadline for completion. The designer can only complete one of the jobs in that timeframe. You're having a family reunion, which will be the first social event you have given - or attended - in years. The other person is known for having 4 or 5 good parties a year, and goes to many others. Work done for them will be seen by hundreds, and they will talk about it at other parties they attend.

Whose house gets completed on time? Not yours.*

Someone needs a website created. You are some random company. Someone else attended the IT director's favorite charity fundraiser each of the last three years.

Who gets the contract? Not you. You never even knew they needed a website.


*edited for grammar

Last edited by another_1 on 06 Apr 2011, 3:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

And I absolutely agree.

Consider your city councilman, though. He knows how many events he needs to attend to keep his visibility up, and he knows which specific ones he has to go too. Also, he's been to enough that he knows how to act when he does.

Those are all things you learn by doing. You can read everything ever written about parties, but you won't be able to put it into practice without, well, practice! And you are expected to get that practice when you're young. It's ok to drink a bit too much and make a fool of yourself when you're 17. It's ok to bring up an unacceptable subject once in a while, when you're 19. You're expected to be a bit awkward at those ages. But, eventually, you're considered "too old" to make those mistakes, and you will be judged very harshly if you make them.

But does this mean one should just randomly present oneself to random people with no purpose? Probably not. What does one have to sell? Without having something to sell or some directed purpose for the meeting beforehand, the interaction will degenerate into either unwelcome monologueing or pointless drinking or drug use. I tried presenting what I had to offer at what I thought was an educated, environmentally conscious, forward thinking group, and what I got was a guy who asked "why do you think I would be interested in this?" Then I thought "Why am I doing this? They're not impressed. What good is it doing for them or for me?". It's not enough to have something interesting that works, apparently, perhaps because when something works, it becomes blase, therefore, it's impossible to keep up because you can't outrace yourself. So now I don't attend random parties anymore, and I restrict my interactions to those who show an interest in my work and who are in a position to do something with it.

While I believe what you say to be true much of the time (unfortunately), it only really works for people who are able to talk to other people. I have gone to parties, but I honestly can't talk to people. It's not anxiety or shyness. It's over-stimulation. I really, truly, honestly can't talk to people at parties or any kind of gathering. This does not earn me any points. In fact, I'm pretty sure it earns me negative points.

It seems there are plenty of people here who don't have this problem though. After reading some of these threads lately, I'm starting to wonder how I ever managed to have any work at all. Good thing I'm persistent and don't let this lack of ability defeat me, I guess.

I'm not quite sure I'm following you. If I am, however, it sounds like you were going to parties and outright pitching your work. This would be a major social blunder. As to your comment that things can easily degenerate to monologuing or overindulgence, that is why I am advocating learning what is appropriate, and then practicing those skills - to know how to avoid those kinds of things. It is also why I am suggesting that the OP do this now, while such mistakes are less important.

Oh, I hope I haven't given the wrong impression!

I am totally incompetent at implementing these things myself, and until recently had no understanding whatsoever that they were necessary. I am incapable of starting a conversation with someone, and can no more steer a conversation than a 2 year old can drive a car. The best I can do is respond to someone else's comments, and hope they get to an area I know something about. Then, I have to watch carefully to avoid monologuing them to death.

For the last three years, however, I've had a boyfriend who is the most social person I have ever met. He has been able to teach me a lot about social skills. However, he isn't a therapist, and he does get stumped sometimes. Sometimes it's kind of like asking someone to explain how they breathe. Few people could explain it - it's something they just do. I'll probably never be comfortable at parties, or skilled in how to act at them - but I am getting better, little by little.

No news is good news. That's the old saying I always live by.

Fame is fleeting, but mediocrity is forever.

I wouldn't say you absolutely need social networking skills to get a job or hold on to it. It really depends on the job. What you say might be true for your typical 9-5, but many aspies do very well in less conventional positions. For example, if you are a college professor, you'd need high quality research, no one would care if you are a social butterfly. Actually, the more time in the lab, the better. This could be true for other highly specialized jobs, like a doctor or a teacher.

+1

I agree with you. And, however you get the job, it's unlikely that you'll lose it because you network ineffectively. But the jobs which do not require networking for advancement are pretty rare, and usually go to that tiny group who are so skilled at the job that they are virtually irreplaceable. It would be unwise to ignore something so important in the vast majority of occupations, on the hope that you'll get one of the few positions in which it isn't important. IMHO, anyway.

I once went to a party when I was around 17 years old. I literally sat down on a rock and stared. But at least I went. I learned so much about sitting on rocks that night.

I'm actually ok at parties. I drink, mingle or at least people come up to me. I would never go to a party where I knew no one though. Usually if you know the host that's a good first step. Although random stangers talk to me in bars and sometimes I initiate conversations with them.
I'm mostly on my own. I don't work because I can't. I still get along with people just fine when I need to.

Pssssttt.... there are a few NTs out there called introverts.

Of course, this was a mistake, and now I know after the fact. It's obvious to you that this was a mistake because I'm presenting it as an example of a mistake. In this case, what made it a mistake, was other peoples' response. Why don't people respond badly when other people talk about their work, as others have done in this same setting? I'm not forever doomed just because I made this mistake later in life, because I can take what I learned here into an entirely new setting. I've become more secure with the scientific footing and also more economically secure, and I have more than enough opportunity to talk to appropriate people so that I don't need to bother anyone else. All I need now is some simple, easily understood, non-disturbing interest that I can share.