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GRRRRRR Why don't people say what they mean!

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daedal
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12 Apr 2011, 5:26 am

I used to agonise over this when I was small :D
"How CAN someone ask someone to do something??" she pondered.
Do you want to/ can you/ may I/ do you think you could"...well, yeah, sure. Ten seconds of staring later. Oh...I actually have to do something?



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12 Apr 2011, 6:05 am

YellowBanana wrote:
I have the opposite problem, I think.

I have learned from experience that when people say "Would you like to ..." it usually means "I'd really like it if you would ..." or "please ... for me" or "It'd be helpful if you'd ... "

So, if someone says "Would you like to open the door for me?", my answer is to get up and open the door.

But it gets me into trouble.

If someone says "Would you like something to eat?", I usually feel obliged to say "Yes" even if I'm not hungry, because I'm interpreting it as described above. So I sit there with whatever food they prepare, unable to eat and I get "Well, why did you say Yes if you didn't want it?!". And then I feel stupid and frustrated.


In this point, my language is probably better - our "polite" of asking for something is "Could you open the door for me?".

Literaly, it does not mean exactly the same thing as "Open the door for me", but have less ambiguity that the "would you like to open the door?".



y-pod
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12 Apr 2011, 6:06 am

I can't stand being indirect and pretend to be polite. I'm always bossy, direct and get my point across with minimal words. I AM polite most of the time as I'm not a grumpy kind of person. I guess my autistic kids should understand me well. Although I hope that doesn't give them the wrong expectations regarding other people. Luckily in my experience most men in the world talk in short, direct sentences. So it really should only be a problem with NT women.

*Talk about talking indirectly, I remember seeing many posts on jewelry forums when a lady receive a gift from a guy and didn't like it. She post about it and ask what to do about it. I was like, what? Tell him. Why do you think it's OK to tell the whole world that you don't like his gift before telling him? :D How can you possibly marry this guy if you can't tell him you don't like a ring?



leejosepho
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12 Apr 2011, 7:44 am

As nicely illustrated here ...

TPE2 wrote:
"Could you open the door for me?" (a nearly-clear, personal request)
"Open the door for me." (a direct, authoritative command in need of "Please ..." to clearly make it a specific request)
"Would you like to open the door?" (an ambiguous question)


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TPE2
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12 Apr 2011, 7:52 am

leejosepho wrote:
As nicely illustrated here ...
TPE2 wrote:
"Could you open the door for me?" (a nearly-clear, personal request)
"Open the door for me." (a direct, authoritative command in need of "Please ..." to clearly make it a specific request)
"Would you like to open the door?" (an ambiguous question)


"Could you open the door for me?" is not totally clear - it could be interpreted as being simply inquiring if you have the hability to open the door.



CrinklyCrustacean
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12 Apr 2011, 8:09 am

Jacs wrote:
My Mum: Would you like to open the door for me?

Me: No.

Haha, this happened once when I was about 14 and talking to my cousin about those "Englishman, Irishman, and Scotsman" jokes:

Her: "I don't know any."
Me: "Oh well."

*Conversation stops.*

Mum: "Um, I think she wants you to tell her one."
Me: "Oh."

*Proceeds to tell a joke.*

With the door example, I usually ask, "Please would you open the door?" and people don't tend to be offended. :)



leejosepho
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12 Apr 2011, 8:16 am

TPE2 wrote:
"Could you open the door for me?" is not totally clear - it could be interpreted as being simply inquiring if you have the ability to open the door.

Yes, and that is why I added "nearly-clear" as a remark while envisioning both people (and one with arms full) within sight of each other and near a door.


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Pandora_Box
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12 Apr 2011, 8:20 am

Or how about your mother simple say and ask,

"I have groceries in the trunk, I need some help, would you open the door for me?"

There is context, there is a reason and praticality.

I don't like people dangling a carrot and giving me an oppurtunity to do good. I hate Fishing of knd, may it be Fishing for compliments or otherwise.