Why do normal people do this?

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Yes, I have a good friend who fits this bill. I can relate to him because are both very forthright and honest and not ashamed of who we are in this world. He is a HUGE Britney Spears fan and doesn't give a damn if people say she sucks, because he's got a lot of joy in his heart. I guess it's the same with me and Avril Lavigne.

To cop a Popeye saying, I yam what I yam and since you can't un-Down Syndrome a person or un-Autistic them, you might as well make the best of what you can do it in life. My friend is fortunate to have a very supportive family who has nurtured him and cared for him, and in short, stuck up for him time and time again in a very difficult world. I shared my relevation of Asperger's Syndrome with them and they were very pleased to talk about it with me.

They say a deciding factor, in the tricky moral/ethical domain, is "quality of life". To prolong life -- a life full of pain and suffering -- that makes me very sad too. But I would have to actually ask the person living this life how they met their challenges each day.

It is very hard to know what to do in the death area. When I came back from overseas after several months, my mother told me that an old friend of mine had died. After the initial shock of feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach, I had to decide what I felt, and then whether to do anything. I decided that if it had been someone in my family, I wouldn't like someone bringing it all back to me a few months down the track. I decided not to get in touch with his parents, and privately mourn instead (I have a little think about him on his birthday every year). Months later I ran into an old mutual friend. He asked me if I'd heard, and I said yes, then he asked if I would come to a meeting at his house where they were sewing a quilt to commemorate my friend with (he had died as a result of AIDS). I went there (much against my will, but feeling that it was the least I could do). To my alarm, EVERYONE from the past was there - including his mother. I particularly didn't want to upset his mother. She asked me how long I'd known, and why hadn't I been in touch... It was then that I realised that some people need the reasurrance of the group. I thought I didn't count, because I was no longer a part of his immediate life. She was very distraught that I hadn't done anything. I won't go into the stressfulness of that night, but I guess I learnt an important thing about other people. My group one experience was when my grandmother died, the whole thing had a peculiarly festive quality to it, with people who hadn't seen each other for years catching up - I was quite bewildered, but apparently funerals for older people are often opportunities to meet again. I felt completely detatched and unable to grieve. I had a private service in my bedroom a few weeks later, and felt much better for it. I've also been in the fourth group - the work associate category. I think I went because of my experience with my friends mum. I wanted to offer support to my boss, and show him that I felt for his suffering. He seemed like the type of person that needed that reassurance - maybe I was wrong? I ran away immediately after the service.... felt completely out of place, but somehow like I had to be there all the same.

I think that I mentioned that I worked as an institution aide at a large institution for profoundly physically and cognitively disabled individuals a number of years ago. Many of the persons that I cared for would never even distantly relate to the world as we know it, but since they have never experienced it, how could they miss it? I felt very badly for those that suffered physical pain, because that seemed to me to be the major sum of their existence, and often their families had abandoned them to the insititution, the only warmth that they seemed to experience in this world was that they received from their caregivers. Some families were very involved, but were simply unable to manage the multiple physical anomalies in their homes. One resident had so many anomalies that their appearance was shocking; recognizable limbs could not be discerned or gender determined. Their was not even a way to determine how aware of the world the individual was, but the familie remained very involved. One of the people that I cared for spent each and every waking moment in a constant state of fascination and amazement. She was very peacful to be around, and I often wished that I could see the world through her eyes for even just one moment. Her family had abandoned her, but she was cared for with great gentleness. (I've wandered.)

My grandfather's wake was truly a celebration of his life. We looked through slides and photos and told eachother stories about him. We grieved his loss, but we also felt this presence their with us very strongly. He always said that when he died, he would like us all to celebrate his life with a traditional irish wake. I don't really know whether or not it was traditional in the strictest sense, but we all did our best..

I would also feel uncomfortable approaching the family of someone that I'd been close to months after they had died, especially if I didn't feel close to the family. I'd probably send a card with a note telling them that I'd been the person's friend and that I was very sorry to hear of their passing. Some may prefer not to be reminded of their loss, but in my experience, it seems that many welcome the opportunity to reminisce (sp?) about their loved one. It can be very comforting for family to hear from others that cared about their loved one. If you see them in person and don't know what to say, maybe you could just say, "I'm sorry, I just don't know what to say. (blank) was my friend." My own way of dealing with not knowing what to say is to give a hug.

I don't think that any of us should beat ourselves up for not knowing how to deal with death or what to say to family. All the years that I worked in the hospital and ER I worked with the terminally ill, and victims of fatal accidents. I was with a number of people when they died and with their families afterwards. I've never met a person that came across like they really felt comfortable about what to do or say. With all of the experience I've had, I still am not. That you are so concerned is a demonstration of your warmth and humanity.

Debbie (Ramoth)

I was depressed for ten years because I didn't know how to express my grief when my big brother died. It was like, I was soo sad, and I would write poetry about sadness and loneliness, but for some incredible reason, I did not know that this was related to my brother's death.

And I don't know why nobody told me! It would have made things so much clearer for me, if I understood that. Not even in counselling did they bother to tell me. 10 years later, when I tried to committ suicide, my counsellor didn't see that I was stuggling with Asperger Syndrome. And I didn't know I had it Until like, a year later.

But I have gotten that grief out of my system. As well as the anger of watching my whole family "die" as a result of my brother's death. It was a very confusing time for me. I was 13 years old, and I wasn't aware of much at all, I was in my own world.

And I must add, my parents didn't help at all! THey just made things worse.

My dad died in 1986 of cancer. We always thought he would live to be 100 as he was so healthy but there was a mix-up after a prostate operation he had and he didn'd get treatment till too late. Anyway, I don't think I cried as such at the time but even now, if I see an old man who looks kind of like him, I get a bit teary. I also hate to think how I'll react when mum goes, as we've been very close.

All that reading about death made me think: there is a number of people in my life that I care about very much, and I would be very upset if they were to die. Ironically, I have absolutely no fear whatsoever of my own death. I see it as just another biological process, like eating, sleeping, or going to the bathroom. I have no fear of it happening, period. Only it not like soldier unafriaid to die, it's more like a "eh, whatever" kind of thing. Is that common or normal for an aspie? It seems really macabre to me, but I can't change the way I feel.

When my great-great-grandmother died, I didn't feel anything, no grief, little emotion. Getting a project ready I was working on for a competion seemed more important than even her death. From the age of seven until I was 16, I had to stay every single Friday night at her home, something that I deeply resented because since my siblings seemed to misbehave more when I was home, I was being sent away so my parents could have peace and quiet.

In spite of me not wanting to spend the night at her home every single weekend, the only reason they stopped that arrangment was because I ran away twice and subsequently threatened suicide due to other issues and spent 7 weeks in a teen psychiatric in-patient program. Otherwise, they never would've listened to what I wanted nor gave a rat's tail about my feelings. Also, my great-great-grandmother purposely sabotoged my relationship with my father so he couldn't be a competitor for weekend visits and that made me so angry I never forgave her. To this day, I still feel, enormously guilty for not being able to mourn her passing.

I know I'm entitled to grieve in whatever way suits me but not only don't I regret her passing, I was glad that she died so my family couldn't use her as an excuse to dump me on weekends. Yes, that's horrible and I know she had a lot of love for me, albeit flawed, but I can't even make myself miss her regardless of how much she cared for me.

One part of me loves her and is extremely thankful for the knowledge she passed down to me but another wishes our relationship was built upon free will rather than coercement and emotional blackmail from her and my parents.