Body dysmorphic disorder

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I have no idea if it's connected to Autism or not, but this is one of my official diagnoses that I almost never talk about. For me, at least, it's connected to being trans.

You're welcome!

My arms and legs are really thin, except for my thighs (they show I like cycling). This thinness (especially forearms and ankles) make me look less masculine the way I can't compensate for it by body exercise of any kind. Partly because of this, and probably other factors that may originate in my ASD, I feel comfortable in a somewhat childish body. I'm 5'11.5" tall and 163 lbs, was 154-159 lbs in my teens (I went down to 146 lbs as an experiment a few years ago). Now I think I'm dysmorphic about the shape of my belly and the fat ring around my waist. Swimming and cycling are good body maintenances after all.

I've always felt somewhat inadequate about my physical condition and appearance, no matter what other people might say to me. I guess this is what led to my bodybuilding interest, which you would THINK, would cause me to be happy with what I see in the mirror. But honestly, I don't see myself as big at all, and the only way I can prove to myself that I have done OK, is that I can't find shirts that fit arms & shoulders without being way way baggy on the torso, and much too long. I'm 6' at 185-190 lbs, and I still look at myself as "average" size for arms & chest. Other people say I look huge (muscular; not suggesting overweightness) sometimes, but I can't see it. My avatar pic is fairly recent, as I am standing holding a 500-pound siren head.

I've been told by someone who is familiar with anorexia, that this situation is comparable to anorexia; in that the eyes and mind are fooled into never seeing the body as it is.

Charles

That article is interesting. But how is it possible to count your heartbeats without taking your own pulse? Is that actually possible for most people? Because I'm not remotely aware of my heart beating unless I feel for the pulse.

I've been curious about this, because I thought I might have an issue with it. But for me it has nothing to do with weight or muscles or the size of my nose. I just don't see the same person in photos that I do in the mirror. I think I look far worse in the mirror than I do in photos. Is that the same sort of thing? I'm not sure if it is, because it seems people with BDD see the same flaws in every medium.

I often feel my heartbeat pulsing throughout my body. Right now, resting and fairly relaxed, I can count it simply by putting my attention in my chest area.

There was another interesting (perhaps relevant) article I read recently about how people who are more in tune with their heartbeat make better 'intuitive' decisions.

Maybe it's possible to become more sensitive to internal workings. Perhaps try the body scan meditation I posted on the previous page.



Yes I think so. To feel different to how you look is one thing. To have a problem with it is another.

I was very thin around the age of 17 (around 155 lbs at 6'2"). I also had quite a pronounced posture issue starting in my teens (kyphosis / scoliosis) and got told that I had a "hunch back" in middle school. It upset me so much to the point that I felt rage. Around that time I practically gorged myself and worked out obsessively for about 3-4 years until I was around 200 lbs. But then when I went away to college in my early 20s I couldn't work out obsessively anymore so I lost most of the muscle gains I had made while gaining fat instead. I've been slightly to moderately overweight ever since. My weight has been fluctuating a lot lately since I've been going between so many different medications for all my psychiatric issues. I was at an all time high of 240 lbs a few months ago. I hate being fat just as much as being skinny and even though people would tell me I look big and strong I still feel like I'm "skinny" underneath the fat. I still get upset over the issues with my back/posture as well.

Last edited by marshall on 01 May 2011, 12:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It might be a different thing, in my opinion. I'm the exact opposite. It may have to do with different lighting, angle of view, the eyes always look at you in the mirror, sharper/more vivid picture in the mirror, typically different expression on the face when you look in the mirror etc.

Oh? Do you have a link to this one?

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news ... s-science/

It makes sense to me that aspies who aren't very well connected to their bodies might become hyper systematic/logical/rational.

I was never aware of my heartbeat until I got into my mid thirties; a hurricane came through, and it was the first time I ever felt it, other than when I was exercising. I didn't like it; at the time I didn't realize it was being caused by adrenaline release. Into my mid 40's I became aware of it throughout my body, and it drove me nuts because I had never felt that before. Eventually I got used to it and don't notice it as much anymore. Sometimes I wonder if it is part of alexithymia and not understanding that what we feel in our body is part of anxiety.

Also for about a period of a year and a half, I felt like a couldn't catch a whole breath, eventually that stopped; I never attributed it to anxiety.

I never felt tension in my body, and when I did finally felt it in my forties, I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. The Doctor laughed and said, you mean your body has never told you that you were under stress before?

I thought back to college and the relaxation exercises we were taught to relieve stress. At that point I couldn't understand what benefit people got out of that; I was always seeking the next workout to feel my body.

The remark about the photos ring true for me too. It bothered me to look in the mirror when someone was cutting my hair, when I started to talk to the person cutting my hair I saw expression on my face and thought I look like a different person now. People look much different with expression as they interact with others, even in a photo, somehow I didn't make the connection with myself but could see it in others on a day to day basis.

I remember sometimes catching newscasters before they were broadcasting, and thought to myself I guess I am okay after all, those people don't always have expression when they are not engaged with someone else.

In trying to understand it objectively, I wonder if people feel their expression when they make it; I didn't really feel mine, but maybe that is part of alexithymia too. And maybe it is evidence that I used the device of cognitive mimicking of expression with others rather than expression generated by inner emotion.

But for all I know, maybe everyone experiences it like this. I never asked anyone about it. I didn't want to sound strange.

Thanks.

BTW, I can feel my heartbeat just as you described. I thought everyone could if they concentrated.

I have this about my hair - I'm obsessed with my hair, I think about it quite often and fuss about it at least once every few minutes.

I wasn't always like this, just since I saw my hair in a mirror for what felt like the first time when I was about 10.

I was diagnosed with BDD some years ago.
I have difficulty understanding what I actually look like, and have obsessions over grooming and checking mirrors, it's been that way since I was a young child and sometimes effects me enough so that I plan my days around how I look or my grooming. It wouldn't surprise me if it was associated with AS - I was VERY badly bullied for my looks as a child, but a lot of it started before then, the bullying just added to the existing problems. Of course bullying is also associated with AS, it'll happen with all kids but I think AS kids are stranger and more sensitive so easier targets and less likely to stick-up for themselves, so bullying may cause more problems for a lot of us long-term.

I also have elements of feeling like I look one way but actually looking another way.
For example my breasts, I was always flat-chested, particularly compared to the friends I had in my teens, it wasn't until a [young] kid at the local stores made a comment about the size of my breasts a month or so ago that I questioned how my breasts looked. I always thought I still had small breasts, as it turns out I'm actually quite large up top, lol.

I'm six feet tall 115 pounds. I feel like I'm not usually aware of what I look like. When I look in the mirror, I think my body looks normal, but then when I have another person to compare to, I look soooo skinny.

I think I have a realistic idea of how I look, and how attractive I am though. I used to look and feel ugly, and I worked to improve my looks in various ways. Now the only thing I'm self-conscious about is my body, but I think I'll be satisfied eventually. I'm pretty satisfied with the way my face looks after accutane, a nose job, and removing some moles from my neck.

I had very long arms (over 6'2" wingspan) even though I'm ~5'11". It made my arms look very thin. I was so self-conscious that I refused to wear short-sleeve shirts or t-shirts even in the summers. I didn't wear these until in late high-school/university after I got bigger due to strength training. To this day I don't wear shorts unless absolutely necessary (on the beach). I actually wore a cut-out sweat pants underneath my pants to make my legs look bigger. I think I've gotten better since taking Lexapro. Everything looks bigger. Unfortunately it hasn't done much for my other anxiety issues.