Aspies who don't want to change

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That was your other thread, but I don't think it was all aimed at you.

Agreed, I often have thought that in different contexts.

I do agree with what you are saying OP. But on the other hand, I have realized now that not everyone is as strong as me or has my strengths where they try and find ways. Not everyone is positive so they will let things limit them or where they never give up. My mother told me lot of people are so negative they let things stop them so they don't even try. My husband told me he has gotten comments from other people that they don't know how he does it but if their feet hurt all the time, they wouldn't be working and would be sitting at home with Social Security. He has bad feet so he deals with the pain and doesn't let it stop him but lot of people would refuse to be in pain 24/7 so they wouldn't be working.

My mom had cancer but she still tried doing everything she could like washing the floors but it take her fours days to do it. She didn't refuse to do anything because of her illness and she told me lot of people are just negative and give up and don't do things or even try.

I think it's the same with AS. Not everyone wants to deal with the stress and the anxiety so they don't work on their traits like trying to be flexible and deal with change. I remember how hell that was but I dealt with it and got through it. But I have to realize not all aspies want to deal with that so it's their road block. The tantrums you were calling them are actually meltdowns and I doubt they all enjoy having one because I sure didn't. I actually pushed myself and started ignoring my feelings and pretending they weren't there so I could deal with the change. But lot of people are against that solution. Even my own mother wasn't happy with it either when I told her that's what I did and it sure worked and now it's a lot less now because I trained myself. But me I get aggressive and tough, even with myself.

Also changing can be scary because it's like having to change your whole personality and who you are after you have found out lot of things you do is caused by the AS and you feel you can't even be yourself because it's all caused by the condition so therefore it's wrong what you are doing and have to change that.

I look at it this way, everyone has things they need to work on to be better people, there are things that need to be worked on to make our lives easier. So anything that is causing us struggles can be worked on so our lives are easier. Like how to communicate and say things so we don't come off as being bossy or condescending and there be a lot less misunderstandings. But the only way to change that is to figure out what you are doing wrong and how to say it. For one, asking people to do things instead of telling them to do it so that way you aren't sounding bossy.

And sometimes there are things I avoid because it seems overwhelming so I don't do it at all like not call my aunt on the phone to ask something because I don't want to do any chit chat or not go over there at all for something if I don't want to stay. I do the opposite.

When I was a teen when I found out that no one wants to listen to someone talk about the same stuff over and over so they reject you for it, I didn't talk to anyone then since what they talked about was boring and I would rather not talk at all nor be around them. I would rather be alone. It's still a change I did and now my brain has been trained to not talk about my obsessions over and over. Now I don't want to talk about them at all and rather keep them to myself. If I talk about it, it's only once.

Also, some did try "never giving up" and it led to long-term shutdowns, burnout, and even ruined their health. There are several people like that on this forum.

I don't understand.

Why didn't they happen to me except for in relationships only because it's 24/7, and we don't socialize 24/7 or are around lot of people 24/7. Work isn't 24/7 either.


How do kids go from severely autistic to mild and don't get all burned out and have health problems? How do kids go from severe AS to mild AS without ruining their health or having burnouts and shut downs?

Could it be because it's easier to lean as a child but when you are an adult it's hard to learn? A child's mind is still developing so when you work with the autistic child, it gets wired into their brain when they work on that skill so it gets natural for them as they get older.

But yet John Robinson changed after finding out he had AS but he also had that thing done to him that somehow rewired his brain magically. Temple Grandin somehow got so better as an adult still she doesn't even act like she has autism nor looks like it just by looking at her for a few minutes or during her speech.

So why do some get health problems or burn out or shut down? Could it be environment they were in?

Not everyone's autism is the same. I burn out pretty easily and managed to do so repeatedly. I don't really know how to prevent it except to avoid the things that trigger it, which includes but is not limited to socialization. The last time I was at a large-scale social event (a party) I was worn out for days afterward.

That's the thing about any disability. Two people with the same diagnosis may have very different impairments. One person with chronic pain may be able to tolerate it while another may find it difficult to manage the pain, and that acing without consideration of that pain exacts a cost that may put them out of commission for a time just for say one day of activity. I can function with some headaches (like I am right now) but other headaches knock me out of functioning entirely, to the point I basically spend most of the day in bed because looking at things and listening to sounds is actively painful and aggravates things. Throw in the vertigo I get with migraines and I maybe have 1-2 hours during the day that I can actually do anything more strenuous than check my e-mail. And by more strenuous, I mean say...actively participating in a forum and feeding my cats. Thankfully, those are fairly rare for me - but others get them routinely, or even have a migraine that doesn't stop for years.

Temple Grandin even talks about how some autistic people are fairly stable and not very subject to shutdown and burnout while others experience shutdowns fairly often and are subject to burnout.

Not everyone has the same number of "spoons" to work with:

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/artic ... serandino/

When I first read this, it made perfect, visceral sense to me, because it was my reality, albeit in a different way (cognitively, more than anything).

Last edited by Verdandi on 06 May 2011, 3:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Also, apparently there is a story on the NYT about children who received intervention who as teens had burnouts from the pressure of "acting NT." I've been looking for it and haven't found it yet, so I wouldn't swear to it.

Anyway, I am not sure every case of "their autism got milder" really is a matter of "their autism got milder." I think a lot of it is developing coping skills, learning how to interact socially, developing better strategies for dealing with overload, and building up a store of information and knowledge that makes it easier to navigate situations that as a child would have been fairly difficult.

Maybe for some the rest of the world just doesn't seem to be appealing enough to be worth making the effort. Trying to bridge the differences between Aspies and NTs is pretty difficult. NTs aren't "right", they are merely the majority, a majority with many unfathomable ways.

Marc Segar was the first Aspie I ever heard about ...

http://www.autismandcomputing.org.uk/marc1.en.html

... and I had read his writings at least a year before I eventually actually met an Aspie, and then it was still a few years after that before I began to begin catching on about myself.

Bottom line here?

Attitude. I cannot change who and/or whatever I am, but Marc had a tremendous influence upon me -- I was willing to try to learn to *act* differently in spite of anything -- even after his untimely death.

I love being me with my endless list neurological nad otherwise, it took a while but I found by accepting and understanding my differences as apart of uniquely me, I started having the confidance to be and I now wouldn't want to be any other way, Aspergers, bipolar, intellectual learning etc... because the combination has given me a unique insight into the world... I am not sayings its always been easy and still isn,t often, but let them try, as now I can stand up for my self

I burn out too and that is when I am by myself. But it doesn't last for days and days. Then I can go back to it after a break. I remember after my wedding, after being around people for four hours, I just wanted to relax and be home for a couple of hours before heading to the house my parents were renting for the whole family and my relatives. But then I was by myself when I was there but only went because I knew it was important for the family and then we opened our wedding gifts. That's another reason why I had to go.

If that is what you meant by burning out. I thought you meant they can't use those skills anymore, not today not ever again than just needing a break from it and then go back to it.

I find following the relationship rules exhausting. I just can't do it 24/7. Just as long as I do some of it there and there, that is good enough.

Oops, I meant that was just what socializing does to me now. If I were to do that over the long term, it would be pretty exhausting. For me, burning out was permanently having fewer spoons. At least it's been constant since 2004. In 2000, I could handle social occasions without being knocked out for days at a time (although they were still exhausting, but I could handle more of it for longer before needing to decompress), but last summer a week-long trip while constantly around people broke my sleep schedule and left me fairly exhausted for a month or so.

Some things I am better at than I used to be. Some things I am worse at, a few things I seem to be much worse at. I have lost some social skills over the winter, to the point that my coping ability and ability to manage social situations involving more than 1-2 other people is much worse than it was last summer. Part of this seems to be that thanks to things that happened over the winter, my sensitivities seem to be worse than they used to be. Unlike Apple_in_my_eye and aghogday, my physical health hasn't suffered as well.

The pretence of feeling we need to social, be on everyone else's terms is exhausting and we shouldn't, I simply tell people if things do not work for me and try and explain, not sure many understand, but they get the concept now I am a little more different and there ways do not always suit me. There are times when I feel lonely, but I also like my own space and order.

Relationships I must admit have never been easy for me, but the more I communicate and explain the easier my life has become, my husband use to think me needing alone time, to desensitize, needing less sleep bipolar wise etc... was me rejecting him, now he understands it helps a lot. I really think its time we all allowed ourselves to be ourselves, as long term people then will have to get use to us and at least understand many varied differences and in term make it easier for the next generation.

Good point. I'm one of those who don't want to change. I know enough about my undesirable traits to be able to change them but, for some reason, I can't do it. I still avoid eye contact, don't greet people, avoid small talk, etc, even though I know I shouldn't.

Maybe subconsciously I don't want to change. Or maybe it's the result of 20 years of bad habits: it will take time to learn to do the right things. Or maybe I should work my way to the top and become an Evil Corporate Businessman, the only job where my attributes would be useful.

Magnus 20 is young, with age comes confidence to not worry about our differences, but like everyone we do need to adapt at times, I know frustrating its called the game of life, I think I should of been an actor... but to be honest at my age to exhausting to play that part any more... I guess key is finding something or some where that you don,t lose yourselves totally, that's not easy in reality, but I have found the more I am self, the more others get use to me and that enables me to be me, in a way playing too much of a part, we become a false idenity and that I feel is what holds us back... but often with self belief we are more capable than many give us credit for, time to show the world.

I don't do small talk either nor greet people but however I do answer. I will say hi back and answer to how are you and how's the weather. So in that case I do do small talk. But if I ask about the weather, I mean it, not that small talk nonsense I am doing. I say something like "It's nasty out there" but it depends on my mood.

I think these things are nothing so no need to do it but to answer is something to do.