Asperger's and lack of empathy and ethics?

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I can sympathize with people but not truly empathize unless I have actually shared the experience. Now that I'm older and have expanded my repetoire I find I can empathize much easier yet I'm not really sure how this makes me a 'better' person. I can sympathize and still feel the need to help and comfort and offer an honest shoulder to cry on. People don't always needs words of comfort - sometimes a quiet sympathic listener can be even more valuable.

Many people just say 'I know how you feel' as a reflex and I have found that people genuinely dislike this when it isn't sincere or true in some way. Many times it is outright offensive yet it is done in the name of 'empathy'. I have a friend that has suffered repeated miscarriages and she is suffering over this. I have seen people offer 'words of comfort' - supposedly in empathy - and have done nothing but made her feel worse about the situation, her losses and herself. It was fairly brutal how UNempathic people were towards her. I did empathize with her, shared my story with her and just let her talk. That was alot more comforting than family members telling her 'it's better this way...'

And when I don't know how someone else feels I say - 'I can't say I know what you're feeling but I'd be glad to listen if you want talk.' That goes alot further than trying to 'empathize' falsely as many people seem to do.

I spend much time and money on charity work. Most NT's I know outside of my congregation do not. I know of several others on the autism spectrum who do the same thing. However, for most NT's I know, it is apathy rather than empathy that rules the roost. They are great at faking it, but the older I get, the more I believe that most NT's are phonies. and that it is every man (person) for himself. I do know that my nation is rotting from that very apathy.

You know, it's interesting. This strategy has worked for me with people in the past. Even if I'm not emotionally invested or reactive to the situation, I may still be emotionally invested in the person, and that is a good enough reason to try to be sympathetic.

I also don't usually ask people anything but "What do you want?" or "would you like a hug?" or "do you want to talk?"

But I often just don't feel it about the situation. I am rarely emotionally involved - and when I am, it's pretty much totally involved.

I don't really know what empathy is supposed to be, though. If NTs are faking it and don't really know what they're doing, then I don't even know why this is mentioned in reference to us.

This is what I don't understand about empathy. It's supposed to be 'putting yourself in someone elses shoes'. Someone who has experienced the same situation will have a clearer understanding of the dynamics of an emotional situation than someone who hasn't. Other people imagine what they might feel in the same situation if they have no practical experience. The big problem with this is that imagination is a highly variable and unreliable thing. People try to imagine what others feel and often get it very wrong. It just seems to me that those with AS don't try and guess. And, perhaps, no one SHOULD try and guess.

I think the whole 'trick' to learning empathy is learning how to recognise expressions and body language in other people and teach the expected reactions. You brought up the perfect point - if you are emotionally invested in someone - a good friend, a family member - you will have the natural inclination to want to help them even if you don't understand what they are feeling. I think some people are intimidated by other peoples feelings - not just in AS either. I think its that inability to 'fix' the situation that scares people off. Maybe just teaching those on the spectrum that they are not expected to 'fix' an emotional situation, that just sitting there and listening is valuable to others, that it would be a bit easier to navigate what is considered the 'big minefield' in AS.

I can feel empathy and sympathy legitamitely for animals and even innamate objects... but I just can't feel it that way twoards other people.

I have empathy. I can't be near a crying person without wanting to cry ESPECIALLY if I know what they're crying about.

I've replied before about a couple of things, and one thing that I forgot to mention, breaking rules, regulations, and some "laws" are at times ETHICAL and morally right. This is true especially when one lives under an evil government. In my country, "justice" is not about right or wrong so much as whether one has the money to follow all of the policies and procedures of the court. A guilty murder will oftentimes go free just because he or she can buy the right lawyer's services while a totally innocent person will go to prison or be punished because he or she could not.

I had to look up sympathy and empathy and I'm still not sure I really get what the difference between the two is... I mean I guess I understand the concept but... yeah. I can certainly feel bad or happy for someone when they tell me good/bad news to some extent, but I'm pretty terrible at actually relaying that back to them. Even when I feel bad or happy for someone I still can't really imagine how they feel all that well, except 'they most feel bad' or 'they must feel happy'... I can't really dig into how they feel too well I guess. So I'm sympathetic but not as empathetic? Or is it the other way around? Or neither? Or both?

I'm not really sure how sympathy/empathy ties into ethics though. Ethics is more about applying rules to what is right and wrong, not applying emotions to what is right and wrong. For example stealing, I can consider that unethical because as a rule it makes sense, if everyone was allowed to steal things then no one could really have their own stuff, because someone would just steal it.

I am a very empathetic person but I find it almost impossible to show it or communicate it. I come across as a curmudgeon because I am so inept at emotional communication.

I am also highly ethical, almost obsessively so. It think it has to do with black and white thinking and literalness.

With sympathy, I lack it, even with things I have experienced. Though with those I'm close too, I am more sympathetic. As for empathy, I have problems with people I don't know and sometimes with those I do. I never know if people are crying because they are happy or they are sad. Smiles are confusing and have many meanings.

Empathy is overrated, I'd rather have great compassion and great ethics rather than great empathy. Empathy merely means that you understand what a person is going through, not that you necessarily care about the person or moved to take action to help the person. Psychopaths have a great deal of empathy, for crissake.

I have very low empathy, and can't connect to people. Emotions make me feel weird inside. I hate watching most drama movies, think there a waste of time. Unlesse I see on-screen suffering, I won't cry. I can't detect emotional or psychological pain. I'm lousy at comforting people, and avoid other people's problems like the plague, one of the reasons why I prefer solitude. However, I have a great deal of compassion, and if I see someone in obvious suffering I won't hesitate to help them. If you tell me directly what is going on, i will try to comfort you. Still I can sense other people's emotions for some wierd reason, like fear,sorrow,anger,guilt, and it will be too much for me, that I have to get away from the person. I wish I had better empathy.

Last edited by Markmagnum on 22 Jun 2011, 11:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I would have to agree with you 100% here.

I have empathy and sympathy and have very deep emotions. When I've heard something really sad, I can think about it for days. At the moment, a friend from primary school is dying and the end is very near. I can't get her out of my head and I continually put myself in her shoes and those of her family.

But there's a limit to my empathy and sympathy. If the person is in a situation of their own making, I'm unable to feel sorry for them and wouldn't even try to put myself in their shoes. For example, people who complain about their work situation, but don't try to do anything about it or apply for other jobs. I've lots of empathy/sympathy for people who complain whilst trying to do something about it, even if those attempts are unsuccessful. Or, mothers in the playground who complain about their lazy husbands and say that people like me are lucky. I've told them that I wouldn't have married a man like that, I'm not lucky, just selective. Or, people who complain about their health problems, which can be directly attributed to their lifestyle. In situations like that, I've heard others saying that they sympathise or know what the person is going through (I doubt they're being honest a lot of the time). I would never feel compelled to say anything like that, as it would be a lie. I prefer not to say anything at all. Maybe I sound callous, but I'm honest.

I can do empathy if its something I have experienced - fear, anxiety, frustration - or perhaps feeling isolated in a group or hurt by something someone else has done, but I'm not sure its true empathy, as in "putting myself in their shoes", or just an good ability to apply past logic and learned understanding of the situation to benefit the other person. Sympathy I am terrible at - especially if its sometimes I wouldn't want sympathy for, eg pain, ill-health.

When it comes to morals I have very black-and-white morals, and a bit like the original poster, I do find myself breaking some rules when I find that I can't justify the purpose of that rule. I am much more likely to break the letter of the law, rather than the spirit of it.
- its kind of a bad example, but say, I would talk in an empty cinema, because I'm still not disturbing anyone. But I would be embarrassed at doing anything that disturbed someone in a cinema, not just talking.

I lack empathy, sympathy and I'm amoral. Besides having trouble understanding other people's emotions, I can't express my own feelings. I've been told that people can't really discern between when I'm being serious and when I'm joking, which, given my dark sense of humor, could become a problem. Also, while I have emotions, they seem to be very limited and temporary.

If you are black it is really hard to get diagnosed with ASD and are diagnosed as having ADD/ADHD or some other neurological disorder.