I Hate Myself

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It's the stupid things I do what makes me hate myself, like when people ask me to pass them an object in front of me and I can't see it there, or when somebody on the bus asks me to open the window near me but having difficulties opening it even though bus windows are made to be simple to open, or not knowing how to be bothered of what clothes I am wearing and what environments match what clothes I wear, or always standing in other people's way where ever I go even in the most unlikely places, or my physical clumsiness like when I move and knock stuff out of other people's hands. All of these make me feel awkward, and because I suffer from social phobia, I don't like uncontrollable things showing me up. I can't seem to change my slow thinking or forgetful thinking. I just can't. It's the way my brain is wired. There are things that are possible to improve, but some things are not possible to improve, and all what is mentioned above is difficult to improve, (unless I avoid them), and it makes me hate myself for it. I never seem to do anything right, and everything I'm asked to do never goes smoothly, and I can't attend a social situation without doing something stupid out of clumsiness. I'm becoming sick of it.

I'm starting to avoid these things from happening, like observing my surroundings in a workplace before I start any work with other people so that I already get a rough idea where small objects are placed, avoiding sitting near openable windows on the bus so that people don't ask me to open a window, try to stand in the most widest spaces in shops like in the middle of the aisle so that I don't keep getting in everyone's way, and trying to look behind me before moving where there are a lot of people near me so that I don't accidentally knock things out of other people's hands, for example, drinks. It's hard having to go out of my way to avoid doing these things. I just wish I never done these things to begin with, and just had a different intuition to what I have.

This is how its been for me too - compliments were actually painful like really painful - but i guess i just learned that its possible to respond differently than the way i aways had. I wish i had have realised earlier how much easier it is to smile and say thankyou. It doesnt feel at all easy at first but in the long run it is easier. Keep investigating and youll eventually figure out how to reduce your suffering.

I guess it's an occupational hazard when dealing with people, mostly they think we're NTs and then every so often there's a demand we can't quite meet. Though I've got a feeling that we judge ourselves at such times is sometimes harsher than the NTs are judging us. You know the perfectionism thing, if we get 99 social things right, all we'll notice is the one thing we got wrong.


I think the vigilance thing becomes semi-automatic eventually. When I was diagnosed with AS, I thought I was one of the non-clumsy ones, until I realised that I'd unknowingly been rearranging my environment to avoid accidents. And it's been said to me that I have a strange slow-start way of moving around, which could be taken for laziness. That's probably evolved to keep me from walking into things and people.

I absolutely despise myself. If there was any way in which I could change and become a better daughter, sister, a better person in general, I would.

That is the best advice. Ever since I've started working, that's just what I've done. I would be fine spending the rest of my life doing the same job I do now, and just keep collecting my books, dvds, and cat figures.

Speaking of money, there's something else you can do with it: donate it to charities (not all of it, of course), or become a member of charity organizations.
Think about how bad life is for amputees, severely scarred people, diabetic people, etc. You can rebel against the things that make life
horrible by either helping or becoming a horrible person yourself.

That depends on the individual, I guess.

Eggreguyous, you sound like a good person.

That is good. I wish more people did. I'm the same. Shouting at the TV is bad - it shows irrationality, insensitivity, lack of self control and a willingness to be manipulated.


Good. I wish more people did.


That's rational, if you are the only sensitive person surrounded by insensitive people.


Sensitive is good. I wish more people were. Just practice counting to ten when someone upsets you so you don't act before thinking.


That is rational and wise if you are surrounded by people who are different. You do have to be very careful.


If you're not sure then you may simply exaggerate. Almost everyone does, it's perfectly normal.


You sound more humble than they are. Jesus taught people to be humble.

They don't sound especially moral to me.


Good. Just make sure those topics have value. Specialization is the basis of civilization - just read Adam Smith's Wealth of Nations.


Persistence is also the number one trait of successful people. If you think what you do is right, keep doing it, no matter what others say. You don't sound ignorant, you sound very willing to listen to others - that is the opposite of ignorance. Shouting at the TV is a much clearer sign to ignorance.


So is everyone.


I think you need a more objective opinion on this - you and your family could be wrong.


I can.
1. You have the ability to focus
2. You are humble
3. You are able to analyze yourself
Those are three talents that most people lack.


Embrace it. Your only problem is that the people around you are so different. Plan for the day when you leave home and can find people like yourself.
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EDIT: I just noticed that you're in Utah. With the reference to Christians, and lots of brothers, I'm guessing you're Mormon? It's probably none of my business, but I was a Mormon until age 35, and I know what you're going through. I was a missionary, married in the temple, was branch president, I had a big pro-church web site, and published a book on Bible prophecy. But I was never happy in the church - it led to me making a lot of very bad decisions. Bad for me anyway (marrying too soon, for the wrong reasons, having a family before I had a career, etc.)

Mormonism is especially hard for aspies, because the church is all about socializing. It's all meetings and activities and visiting, and everyone is expected to do the same things - go on a mission, get married, have a big family, go to meetings, etc. All I wanted to do was stay home and study, but I was supposed to organize meetings, do home teaching, genealogy, etc., etc. I hated it all. I took it all very, very seriously.

Have you tried the New Order Mormon message board? They are very good people and helped me a lot when I was going through my crisis a few years ago. They are not really "anti Mormon" (they don't allow strong criticism of the church) but they might suggest another message board for you if they don't feel right to you.
http://forum.newordermormon.org/viewfor ... 4c71f3d761

You are a lot better than you think.

Why do you think people think it's a bad thing to take things personally? I always take things personally and seriously. Like when my mom yells at me and says so many things to me, I do listen, and keep in mind what she says. She says I shouldn't take what she says when she's angry personally. She says she was mad and that I should just forget it. The problem is I can't. Especially when I know what she says is true. She says many things, but then says the opposite, that sometimes I think my mom is almost like two different people when she's mad. Once the remote gave its life for me. She threw the remote at me. If I hadn't ducked, and it crashed into the door, it would've gotten me.

That's quite interesting. My mom says I'm an evil and manipulative person and use people to my own advantage. I guess in a way I must be flattered. I never knew I understood people well enough to be able to maniupulate them in the way she says.

i feel nothing i wish i could feel so be glad it could be worse

I think the good answer is, the criticism referred to a behavior, not the whole person. 99% of the person was not criticized, and the criticized part can easily change, so the criticized person is still good.

But I think the bad answer is that people do not like criticism, so they put up barriers so they don't have to face reality.

Can it go too far though? I am so Empathic that I can actually "Live" them while I am watching them. I catch myself making faces before the character does, or thinking like the character. I am writing a story and it is actually very helpful to almost literally become who you are writing about, it is more and more easier for me to "Live" people (I embrace that).



I really do too. I have been raised to be "hard" but I am still sensitive, I just put on my Mask when I'm with my family. I could be an actor dude! My act sells everytime... oh wait, that's probably a bad thing lol.



Nailed it dude! you are talking my language trappedinhell, I always try to connect things with logic and rationality, of course it's more difficult to look at myself and determine those things.



That is an excellent idea! I am going to practice!







I exageratted again I think, I meant that my brothers picked on each other like calling each other wussies if they can't do a job or life something so they push themselves to exhaustion. Like the kind of thing where if you can't do it right the first time you are scum.









I think I am manipulative because I can mooch off other people but make them happy about it, I see myself as a negotiator, I tell them all the good things about buying me something like take-out and that they want some too, same with having them drive me somewhere. I am a Mind Ninja, it is eerie to me.


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My family isn't at all like the Mormon's portrayed on TV like living in gate communities marrying 14year olds and making out with their sisters (I know you weren't insinuating that we were). Most of my family are borderline Gangster, one of my brothers actually joined a gang but he got out a long time ago. I am the most "Classy" out of them all (Trench Coat, Fedora, Casual/Dress Shoes). Fortunately for me, we do not go to Church, even if we did I would refuse to go (Stubborness comes into play).

I want to be better and I want people, mostly my familly to notice it. Even getting a high paying job and helping out all my siblings would be the greatest thing for me, but I know they would hate me for making more money than them. There is just no pleasing them, and I have grown tired of them for it, I just want to get away before I say or do something that I'll regret.

Thank you! You freakin nailed everything! I will check out the link.

I hate myself because...

...I am too nice and let people walk all over me

...I find it extremely hard to say ''no''

...I look stupid and unconfident all the time

...I stand awkwardly

...I'm always in everyone's way in shops

...I say and do stupid things

...I overreact to things too much

...I speak in monotone if I'm shy or nervous of the person I'm speaking to

...I have no confidence in myself

...I lack motivation in taking care of myself, like grooming

...I am like a lost soul

I sympathize.

Hating myself is something I know well.

I guess the first thing is trying to not make it a fixation or obsession if you can, try and take your mind off it somehow and force yourself to do something else when it gets to mind. Go for a walk, jog, something..

Realize you are probably one out of millions who feel the same way.. support group perhaps or just like-feeling friends or people to talk to.

I'm at a.. I'm sorta ok with myself level these days.. I'm up to the fact I can say well I have this and that, X and Y good qualities, I have been a good friend, boyfriend in some cases, etc. I'm not prefect and I have to accept that. I don't have certain things, while others may not have things I have..

I still live with that feeling on a daily basis at times though, its rough.

Ditto to all of those points,

Joe90,
I think a huge factor here is the ridicule and discrimination those of us who are vulnerable have experience. The looks, the smirks and comments all go to contribute to negative self perception and self image. I think the more aware we become of how we are seen by others the more thought is given to that and the more we act in ways to fulfil that belief, a vicious cycle. I believe that self hatred is more a by-product of the accumulated hurtful experiences of being treated poorly by OTHERS.

The only thing I have found help me through this is to BELIEVE with all my heart that I can change the way I see myself by knowing my intentions are right. By knowing that you can see just how wrong others are when they criticise and judge. When others treat me poorly now I try to see it as further proof of the need to rise above them because I know full well my heart is in the right place and theirs is clearly way off.

We don't have much control over what others say to us, but we can control what we say to ourselves. Be kind! When I was a little girl, I wrote in a book, "I will never amount to anything." Today, at the age of 47, I had a "meltdown." What do you think I said to myself? 'I won't amount to anything.'