Criticism, anxiety and defensiveness.

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Holy crap, this topic describes me so much. I hate criticism, so much so that if I am walking I will try to avoid contact with anybody I dont know, that includes eye contact. I always feel that people are looking at me awkwardly. I have astronomical amounts of anxiety problems for many, many things, big or small.

I didn't know that. One more aspie trait where I score one hundred and ten percent.

I find the slightest criticism alienates me from a person. My whole life has been devoted to making the right decisions. I do what I do for deep and serious reasons. When they criticize me for some trivial thing (and it is always trivial) they show they really, really do not get it.

Here is an analogy. The Marathon race is named after the story that an ancient Greek messenger brought news of the battle of Marathon. The Greeks were vastly outnumbered by the Persians, and were about to be enslaved. it would literally be the end of western civilization. That event is arguably the most important turning point in all history. The Greeks back home in Greece were about to destroy their own cities and kill themselves rather than suffer brutal enslavement and massacre. But miraculously they beat the Persians, and a lone messenger had to get the news back in the remaining minutes before it was too late. The messenger ran the vast distance non stop, gasped out his message that saved Greece - and western civilization - just in time, and immediately died of exhaustion. That messenger was doing something important. That is how I feel about what I do.

Now imagine the messenger had run across a farmer's field along the way. Imagine the farmer had stopped him and said "didn't you read the sign? you should take the other route, you idiot!" Technically the farmer was right, and perhaps the messenger could have take a different route. But the farmer really does not get it. How would the messenger feel toward that farmer, accusing him of moral failing and delaying his mission? How would history judge that farmer if the messenger had failed in his task as a result? That is how I feel when my my boss says I should pay more attention (I actually make fewer mistakes than my boss, even at work, but that is irrelevant to the point I am making).

I know this sounds arrogant - that my priorities are so important that I should not waste brain power on other things - but I can prove it. "Arrogant" means we "arrogate" - we claim what is not justified. My claims can be demonstrated objectively to be true. But I never criticize others, and I always accept their criticism. They do not understand.

Well now you know how I feel.

Unless they are your boss. Or they decide your income or access to a place to live. Or they are in a position to affect your reputation and your income depends on that. I would so love to not have to care what others think.

I can't cope with criticism, especially when it's about my age. When I was a younger teenager, my brother criticised me for everything I did and liked. ''Oh, that's what little kids do! You're like a little kid! Why do you like doing that at your age? You sound like a little kid!'' And it got on my nerves in the end, because everything I done wasn't childish, but was actually normal. He is only 3 years older than me, so he knew what was normal and OK for my age and what wasn't.

Now I've come to hate it when people start getting onto me when it's related to my age. My uncle is the most biggest criticiser you'll ever meet. Literally every single thing my mum talks about, even if it's got the least to do with me, my uncle ends up making it boil down to me being an adult. I'm fed up with forever being reminded of my age and what I should be doing because of my age. He even says it in such a strong way, like, ''oh you're a fully-grown big grown-up adult now'', and I'm like, ''enough with all the description!'' I know that in a couple of years time, people are going to start getting onto me about moving out, I know it. I won't be able to put up with that. I am not moving out until I have found a man, and it won't take long because I give off positive vibes to older men, but I don't want to move out and live on my own because I give off negative vibes to women, and ESPECIALLY youths, and I know I will feel really vulnerable if I lived on my own around youths.